


f-f-f-founding fuckbois

by residentdogenthusiast



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Asshole!King George, Asshole!Samuel Seabury, Blatant Homophobia, Crack Fic, F/F, F/M, Group Chat Fic, Hella OOC, Homophobic Slurs, M/M, Misgendering, NSFW, Racist Slurs, Underage Drinking, accidental misgendering, google translate creole, google translate french, mentions of domestic violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 03:47:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 66
Words: 59,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12334899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/residentdogenthusiast/pseuds/residentdogenthusiast
Summary: You put the RevSet, the Schuyler Sisters, Southern Motherfucking Democratic Republicans and also George, Martha, Adrienne, Maria and others in a modern era, give them phones and memes, and watch the chaos.





	1. Hamilsquad

**Author's Note:**

> yes I know its ANOTHER group chat fic but the difference with this is
> 
> washette (NOT ENOUGH GROUP CHAT FICS WITH THIS SHIP PPL)
> 
> that's it that's the only difference pls give it a chance
> 
> also I last minute added that I wanted Laf to be MUA so if some chapters don't have that listed in his job title thingie im sorry

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Law Student  
**Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler** : margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington** : g.wash — District Attorney  
**Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison** : sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
****Adrienne de Noailles** : **dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 **a.ham** _has created a private chat  
**a.ham** _has added_ **g.laf, j.laur, h.mull** _and__ **a.burr  
**a.ham**** has renamed the chat **Hamilsquad**

 **a.ham** _has changed his name to_ **dungoofed  
**g.laf**** _has changed his name to_ ****largebaguette  
**h.mull****** _has changed his name to_ ******daughtersnhorses  
**j.laur******** _has changed his name t_ o ** ** ** **gaytortoise  
**a.burr********** _has changed his name to_ **********sigh**********

 **dungoofed:** hi guys!

 **gaytortoise** : hello Alex

 **largebaguette** : bonjour mon amies!

 **daughtersnhorses** : ‘sup!

 **sigh** : Herc what is that fucking username

 **daughtersnhorses** : excuse me

 **sigh** : its trash

 **sigh** : what does it even mean

 **daughtersnhorses** : …

 **gaytortoise** : o dear

 **dungoofed** : BURR DOESNT KNOW

 **daughtersnhorses** : omfg alex shut up

 **largebaguette** : HERCULES USED TO BE A CLOPPER

 **daughtersnhorses** : GAWDAMNIT LAF

 **sigh** : a fuckn WOT

 **sigh** _has added_ **a.schuy** , **e.schuy** , **m.schuy** , **t.jeff** _and_ **j.mad**

 **sigh** : HERCULES MULLIGAN USED TO BE A CLOPPER

 **a.schuy** _has changed her name to_ **intenseninsane  
**e.schuy** _has changed her name to_ **cinnamonroll  
**m.schuy** _has changed her name to_ **margarita  
****t.jeff** _has changed his name to_ **macaroninfrance**********

 **largebaguette** : ew tomas

 **macaroninfrance** : lick my french american ass Laf

 **largebaguette** : that is incest

 **j.mad** _has changed his name to_ **sickofurshit**

 **sickofurshit** : well well well

 **sickofurshit** : Mulligan, the annoying brother that used to troll me for my interests in anime

 **sickofurshit** : the tables have FUCKIN turned

 **daughtersnhorses** : BURR U ADDED PEGGY

 **margarita** : YUP. I KNOW ABOUT UR DIRTY LIL SECRET.

 **dungoofed** : burr why did you add these people

 **dungoofed** : my ex, my ex’s sisters, my enemy, my enemies boyfriend…

 **sickofurshit** : I AM NOT JEFFERSONS BOYFRIEND EW & WE’RE IGNORING THE PROBLEM @ HAND

 **macaroninfrance** : WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR YEARS

 **daughtersnhorses** : to be fair it was a middle school phase

 **largebaguette** : non non do not lie my dearest

 **largebaguette** : this lasted until our freshman year

 **largebaguette** : of college

 **gaytortoise** : THAT WAS FUCKIN LAST YEAR FOR YOU & HERC WASNT IT?

 **largebaguette** : oui

 **daughtersnhorses** : oh oh UOU WANNA GO THERE LAGAYETTE

 **largebaguette** : what are u doing

 **daughtersnhorses** _has added_ **g.wash**

 **largebaguette** : GEORGE!

 **largebaguette** : HERCULES D O N T I LEFT MY LAPTOP OVER AT HIS

 **daughtersnhorses** : Mr. Washington have you ever looked on the private file on Lafayette's school computer

 **g.wash** : I'm afraid I haven't. Hello, everyone. Hello, Gilbert.

 **dungoofed** : why is my boss doing here why was Laf at his place hercules what are you doing

 **sigh** : why does Laf get a special hello wtf

 **daughtersnhorses** : remember when Laf was an art major?

 **largebaguette** : Peggy hercules’ favorite one was Rainbow Dash

 **daughtersnhorses** : the password to the file is washington5617

 **daughtersnhorses** : go look

 **largebaguette** : Hercules once knitted a hat that depicted Apple Jax and Rainbow Dash fucking each other they were 69ing

 **dungoofed** : WHO ARE WE EXPOSING IM CONFUSED WHOS SIDE SHOULD I BE ON

 **intenseninsane** : I want to be on the side of the LORD

 **cinnamonroll** : LETS EXPOSE THE B I B L E

 **margarita** : I'm on Lafs side I wanna hear more cringey pony shit

 **g.wash** : I too, must be on Gilbert’s side. But Gil… what is this?

 **g.wash** : wash1.jpg

 **intenseninsane** : WHY TEH FKUC DID I JUST OPEN A DRAWING OF NAKED GEORGE WASHINGTON

 **largebaguette** : HERCULES WROTE DIRTY PONY FANFICTION

 **largebaguette** : APPLE JAX AND RAINBOW DASH IN A SUB/DOM KINK I READ IT

 **gaytortoise** : yes but why

 **macaroninfrance** : my… my fucking eyes…

 **g.wash** : wash2.jpg

 **cinnamonroll** : I fucking hate this group chat so fucking much and I've only been in it for 5 seconds

 **largebaguette** : _shared a link_

 **daughtersnhorses** : OHOH OKAY LAF TRUCE TRUCE

 **largebaguette** : TRUCE?! GEORGE HAS ALREADY SEEN THOSE DRAWINGS HERCULES

 **daughtersnhorses** : WELL PEGGY OBVIOUSLY IS GONNA READ THE FANFIC SO T R U C E

 **dungoofed** : all I wanted was a group chat to discuss the details of going out tonight

 **margarita** : *heavy breathing*

 **dungoofed** : you're only 18 siddown

 **margarita** : excuse u, George, Angie & T-Boi are the only ones in this g chat old enough to drink LEGALLY

 **macaroninfrance** : T-Boi

 **sickofurshit** : c-change your name to T-Boi

 **gaytortoise** : ohohoh there's this exclusive underground rave

 **cinnamonroll** : so we're all ignoring that Laf drew Washington's nudes & Hercules was a RainbowJax shipper?

 **intenseninsane** : WE’RE TRYING TO, YES

 **gaytortoise** : why tf does Eliza know the ship name I'm fucking weak

 **intenseninsane** : I'm fucking tired

 **sickofurshit** : Herc shouldn't get off that easy he teased me so much in middle school :/

 **macaroninfrance** : awww poor baby mads

 **macaroninfrance** : MADISON JUST FUCKN BIT ME

 **cinnamonroll** : we need a group chat mom i cannot herd u fuckin heathens

 **intenseninsane** : Eliza u have such a potty mouth today

 **cinnamonroll** : fuck you Angelica I just saw drawings of a man my father grew up with in the NUDE

 **g.wash** : Is my body that horrifying?

 **largebaguette** : NONNONNON NEVER GEORGE IT IS PERFECTION A TRUE MASTERPIECE HONESTLY A BLESSING

 **macaroninfrance** : …

 **sickofurshit** : …

 **daughtersnhorses** : …

 **cinnamonroll** : yeah I'm getting Martha in here right NEOW

 **cinnamonroll** _added_ **m.wash  
**m.wash** _has changed her name to_ **washingdone****

 **intenseninsane** : neow

 **macaroninfrance** : nya

 **sigh** : nya (҂⌣̀_⌣́)

 **cinnamonroll** : CEASE

 **washingdone** : I am already sick of you fucking brats

 **washingdone** : hey, George! Are you paying attention in here?! BC UR SURE AS HELL NOT PAYING ATTENTION IN REAL LIFE

 **g.wash** : Martha! Thank God! It’s not this big, is it?

 **g.wash** : wash3.jpg

 **intenseninsane** _has left the chat  
**dungoofed** _has added_ **intenseninsane** _to the chat__

 **dungoofed** : I've got to intern under him you better fucking believe you're going to suffer with me

 **sigh** : I am his ADA what the FUCK do you think I'm feeling

 **washingdone** : wow who drew that it's really accurate

 **g.wash** : It is not!!!!!

 **washingdone** : Lafayette drew it then

 **cinnamonroll** : whoa how did u know

 **washingdone** : George is blushing furiously.

 **g.wash** : This entire thing is so inappropriate, Martha, honestly!

 **g.wash** : Lafayette is… TOO YOUNG for someone of my likes. I would NEVER.

 **daughtersnhorses** : I just HEARD Laf’s heartbreaking

 **daughtersnhorses** _added_ **a.noa  
**a.noa** _changed her name to_ **dancingdoll****

 **dancingdoll** : Lafayette just let out an anguished cry of pain and now I'm here what did you fuckers do

 **washingdone** : WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

 **dancingdoll** : WHO THE FUCK ARE Y O U

 **daughtersnhorses** : Martha, meet Adrienne. Laf & I’s roommate and Laf’s best friend since basically birth

 **daughtersnhorses** : Adrienne meet Martha, George Washington's best friend. And you know all about George Washington.

 **dancingdoll** : George is in here?! THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING LISTEN HERE GEORGE U PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT

 **g.wash** _has left the chat_

 **washingdone** : godDAMNIT

 **dungoofed** : what the fuck is happening

 **cinnamonroll** : I dont know but are we going out I wanna get DRUNK

 **intenseninsane** : ooh ooh I want a drinkey drank

 **intenseninsane** : I didn't type that

 **macaroninfrance** : yes she did

 **sigh** : she's so cute she just won't let anyone see it

 **intenseninsane** : how do I delete myself

 **largebaguette** : YESYESYES LETS GET D R U N K   :)

 **gaytortoise** : that's a passive aggressive smiley if I've ever seen one


	2. hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're hungover. George is SALTED. Eliza & Lafayette are giving Alexander the ULTIMATE troll. And Adrienne wants a weird fucking blood oath? Lmfao I'm trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOYOYOYOYO prepare to have the shit spammed out of this fic and then it be abandoned for three weeks while I work on my OTHER fic. I've got 11 chapters of this trash lets fckn GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Law Student  
**Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — District Attorney  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

**daughtersnhorses** : I fucking hate y'all

 **daughtersnhorses** : do vodka shots, you said

 **daughtersnhorses** : it'll be fun, you said

 **daughtersnhorses** : it was NOT fun

 **gaytortoise** : rt

 **macaroninfrance** : rt

 **intenseninsane** : shh Herc you're typing too loud

 **daughtersnhorses** : I'm not even in the same part of town as you Angelica what the fkuc

 **intenseninsane** : I want to Die™ I hate Laex so much

 **macaroninfrance** : who is Laex

 **intenseninsane** : all those body shots… all those long islands… all that vodka…

 **dungoofed** : JOOOOOOOOHN

 **intenseninsane** : here's the fucking troll himself ready to ruin more lives

 **gaytortoise** : stop type-yelling you're making my headache worse

 **dungoofed** : bring me water when you come back from the kitchen pls

 **gaytortoise** : no u made me drink tequila u don't DESERVE

 **g.wash** : Well, serves you all right.

 **sigh** : Who added Washington back?!

 **daughtersnhorses** : reading up through the chat? Lafayette. Probably while drunk

 **washingdone** : dear fucking god

 **intenseninsane** : speaking of Laf (and by relation, Eliza) did anyone see who they went home with last night?

 **washingdone** : uh-oh

 **g.wash** : Lafayette went home with someone?

 **dungoofed** : Eliza left with the bartender

 **gaytortoise** : don't we know that bartender?

 **g.wash** : And none of you bothered to see who it was?

 **dungoofed** : idfk but the chick and Eliza both seemed p sober

 **cinnamonroll** : Good morning lovely people of the world I'm so happy to be alive :D

 **intenseninsane** : ugh she's HAPPY again

 **g.wash** : Lafayette could be hurt! And we're discussing trivialities!

 **washingdone** : continue ignoring him please

 **cinnamonroll** : fuck ALL the way off :D

 **margarita** : who did u go home with last night Liza?? Angel & I couldn't find you anywhere

 **macaroninfrance** : Angel?

 **sigh** : Angel…

 **sickofurshit** : Angel!

 **intenseninsane** : don't even THINK about it u three

 **cinnamonroll** : don't be mad okay guys? Alex & Angelica u two specifically u can't be mad

 **macaroninfrance** : I am preparing for Angelica to be furious

 **sigh** : rt

 **sickofurshit** : rt

 **intenseninsane** : Eliza you are the best thing in my life I could never be angry with you

 **margarita** : ouch.

 **cinnamonroll** _has added_ **m.rey  
**m.rey** **_has changed her username to_ ****shadenlibertea****

 **dungoofed** : …

 **dungoofed** : I'm going back to fucking bed its TOO EARLY

 **gaytortoise** : o no I'm staying up to watch this

 **daughtersnhorses** : Eliza. You DIDN’T. THIS IS THE ULTIMATE HAMILTON TROLL PLS TELL ME

 **sigh** : im havjnf a fkuck stroke

 **macaroninfrance** : I CANNOT B R E A T H E SEND HELP

 **sickofurshit** : oh my god

 **shadenlibertea** : why tf y'all got your panties in a twist?

 **dancingdoll** : I'm lost???

 **gaytortoise** : Alex cheated on Eliza, when they were dating, with this chick named Maria Reynolds.

 **gaytortoise** : Eliza went home with Maria last night.

 **dancingdoll** : oh… how you say? fuck.

 **gaytortoise** : oh fuck is right

 **cinnamonroll** : what's the big deal?! she's nice!

 **intenseninsane** : she. slept. with. your. boyfriend.

 **intenseninsane** : you were HEARTBROKEN

 **shadenlibertea** : To be fair I didn't know Ham was dating Lizzy until too late

 **macaroninfrance** : LIZZY?! I CAN'T DEAL

 **sigh** : THERE ARE PET NAMES A L R E A D Y

 **largebaguette** : its been going on for longer than one night

 **cinnamonroll** : THANK YOU LAFAYETTE, WHO I HAVE TRUSTED AND CONFIDED MY SECRETS IN

 **cinnamonroll** : Lafayette fucked Charles Lee last night

 **dungoofed** : TOO. EARLY.

 **gaytortoise** : IM BURIED

 **macaroninfrance** : I'm fucking CACKLING

 **daughtersnhorses** : DAMN ICE COLD LAFFY TAFFY IS THIS TROLL HAMMY DAY

 **largebaguette** : Or do you mean Charles fucked me? ;)

 **g.wash** : Hamilton, have the Weeks case reports on my desk before the end of the day.

 **dungoofed** : yessir

 **sigh** : But I'm working that case with you, sir?

 **g.wash** : I said Hamilton, didn't I?

 **sigh** : I suppose, sir.

 **washingdone** : he's so fucking jealous omg

 **g.wash** : I told you, Martha. Lafayette is a CHILD. I am an adult, I would never.

 **largebaguette** : that's not what you were saying 2 weeks ago but ok

 **largebaguette** _has left the chat_

 **intenseninsane** : oh dear fucking god GEORGE WASHINGTON JUST GOT OBLITERATED

 **cinnamonroll** : GWASH. MY MAN. WHY U DO THAT.

 **g.wash** : … I need advice, Adrienne.

 **dancingdoll** : you want me to help u after that you must be outta yo GODDAMN mind

 **dungoofed** : don't talk to the District Attorney like that

 **dancingdoll** : Ce morceau de putain de SHIT a brisé mon cœur de lafayettes et vous voulez que je sois gentil avec lui? SES-VOUS DE VOTRE MENTE HAMILTON?

 **dungoofed** : … You've made her very mad sir there's not much I can do

 **g.wash** : Please. I love Lafayette.

 **intenseninsane** : OH I DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING

 **cinnamonroll** : WHAT A PLOT TWIST

 **washingdone** : SURPRISES ABOUND EVERYWHERE

 **dancingdoll** : fuck off george

 **daughtersnhorses** : without her he's got no hope Adrienne knows Laf better than anyone

 **dungoofed** : thank you Herc for stating the obvi

 **washingdone** : what do I gotta do to get you to help him, Adri?

 **dancingdoll** : a blood oath.

 **margarita** : what the fuck

 **shadenlibertea** : OHOHOH I KNOW WHAT SHES DOING

 **shadenlibertea** : folklore says if a blood oath is broken without consent the person that broke it will die

 **cinnamonroll** : yeah but that's a myth

 **shadenlibertea** : well no one knows everyone has always been too scared to test it

 **sigh** : did I actually have a stroke what the FUCK

 **dancingdoll** : my parents took one and they took it very seriously. its like an advanced pinky promise.

 **dancingdoll** : you're not allowed to EVER tell Lafayette I helped you he has to think he attracted you on his own

 **intenseninsane** : do any of us love each other as much as Adrienne loves Laf

 **sickofurshit** : no I hate you all

 **dungoofed** : ditto

 **margarita** : I'd rather bite off my own pinky toe than do this shit for any of u srry

 **g.wash** : Private message me, Miss Adrienne. We can talk more.

 **intenseninsane** : while they work out their weird superstituous stuff. ELIZA.

 **cinnamonroll** : are those my students calling me? GTG

 **intenseninsane** : NONONO U GET BACK HERE

 **intenseninsane** : are you and Maria…?

 **margarita** : permanent?

 **shadenlibertea** : its only been a little bit…

 **cinnamonroll** : but I like her. A lot.

 **shadenlibertea** : Aww <3 I like you a lot too

 **dungoofed** : I want to die

 **cinnamonroll** : please accept her guys

 **intenseninsane** : … Fine

 **intenseninsane** : but if you cheat on my sister…

 **shadenlibertea** : what reason would I have to cheat? I've got everything I could want or need <3

 **intenseninsane** : fucking gross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> Ce morceau de putain de SHIT a brisé mon cœur de lafayettes et vous voulez que je sois gentil avec lui? SES-VOUS DE VOTRE MENTE HAMILTON? — This piece of fucking SHIT broke MY lafayettes heart and you want me to be nice to him?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND HAMILTON?


	3. gag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry that im washette trash :(

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Law Student  
**Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the  
**Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler** : margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington** : g.wash — District Attorney  
**Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies /Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison** : sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles** : dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 **washingdone** : if I'd known they'd be so disgustingly cute I would've NEVER asked Adrienne to help Washington

 **dancingdoll** : THE OATH MARTHA THE FUCKN OATH

 **washsondone** : my bad

 **washingdaddy** : Good morning, everyone!

 **washingdaddy** : What is this username?

 **washingdone** : FUCKING END ME

 **intenseninsane** : gagging

 **dungoofed** : put a bullet between my eyes

 **dancingdoll** : oh you think thats bad Laf just left his bedroom wearing George's shirt and boxers I am blinded 5ever

 **dungoofed** : speak of...

 **dungoofed** _added_ **largebaguette** _to the chat  
**largebaguette** _has changed his name to_ **washingbaby** _

**washingbaby** : (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **daughtersnhorses** : NO. LAF. NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 **washingbaby** : why not? :(

 **dancingdoll** : ugh I'm leaving

 **washingbaby** : ahfpHrTVAV..

 **washingbaby** _has changed his name to_ **largebaguette**

 **largebaguette** : Adrienne is no fun

 **intenseninsane** : I wanna fuckn marry Adrienne

 **daughtersnhorses** : three cheers for Adri

 **margarita** : HIP HIP

 **sigh** : HOORAY

 **dungoofed** : HIP HIP

 **cinnamonroll** : HOORAY

 **gaytortoise** : HIP HIP

 **washingdone** : HOORAY

 **dancingdoll** : *blushes* oui oui hon hon baguette

 **macaroninfrance** : am I the only that thinks its cute?

 **sickofurshit** : yes

 **shadenlibertea** : I think they're cute

 **macaroninfrance** : I'm a stan of legends

 **largebaguette** : it was so romantic, the way he asked! he apologized and took me to a French restaurant and we had champagne and then we went to the beach and he asked me to be his!

 **gaytortoise** : alex threw a paper airplane at me that said “I like your heckin face”

 **dungoofed** : I still like ur heckin face u rat

 **gaytortoise** : heck

 **intenseninsane** : Jefferson walked up to me and in tears begged me not to slap him again & join his poly couple

 **cinnamonroll** : … again

 **margarita** : oh yeah she made a habit of slapping bitches

 **margarita** : and Jefferson is a MYTHIC bitch

 **washingdone** : good. fuck Jefferson.

 **macaroninfrance** : BUT MARTHAAAAAAA

 **washingdone** : isaidwhatisaid.gif

 **sickofurshit** : Jeffy asked me when I was 5 & before I realized I was aro so now I'm just stuck

 **sigh** : Jemmy begged me to join the fray because T-Boi was insatiable but little did he know…

 **macaroninfrance** : I feel exposed

 **macaroninfrance** : also t-bOI IS NOT GONNA BE A THING

 **margarita** : T-BOI

 **cinnamonroll** : Maria bought me apology flowers after the incident and held me while I cried before kissing me

 **washingdone** : can I tell u how & why washington proposed

 **washingdaddy** _has changed his name to_ **g.wash**

 **g.wash** : Martha, that's unnecessary.

 **washingdone** : in high school, I got pregnant by a boy and he wouldn't stick around so George married me in order to soften the blow to my highly religious parents & it put off his studies for two years while we raised our son, Jacky

 **g.wash** : I

 **largebaguette** : MON DIEU HE'S BLUSHING

 **largebaguette** : does this mean I'm a stepparent

 **dungoofed** : Laf should not be trusted to influence a child

 **washingdone** : our child is hardly so. he's 16.

 **margarita** : I'm 2 years older than gwash’s kid I'm a beb

 **g.wash** : I'm so old

 **largebaguette** : I'm so young

 **intenseninsane** : so lemme get this family tree straight

 **intenseninsane** : Lafayette is Thomas’ cousin & Adrienne’s adopted brother. Lafayette is dating George, who is Martha's ex-husband and who has a son that is 2 years younger than Peggy, dating Hercules and related to me & Eliza. Im with Thomas, Aaron and James, who is Hercules’ twin brother. Eliza is with Maria, who slept with Alex who is with John.

 **daughtersnhorses** : what a cute family

 **sickofurshit** : stop associating me & my brother as relatives

 **largebaguette** : I don't want to be related to the shitstain that is Thomas Jefferson

 **macaroninfrance** : TOO FCKN BAD

 **largebaguette** : GEORGEY HE CURSED AT ME

 **g.wash** : Now Jefferson...

 **macaroninfrance** : o no my cousin now has my potential future job over my head with the cock he's riding send help

 **largebaguette** : yeah Tommy so don't be annoying

 **dungoofed** : I love Lafayette

 **largebaguette** : I love you too bb

 **gaytortoise** : I love Laf!

 **largebaguette** : I have enough love for all my children come come

 **daughtersnhorses** : YAY STEP GROUP CHAT MOM

 **washingdone** : excuse

 **cinnamonroll** : can we have sweets after midnight

 **largebaguette** : oui oui

 **dancingdoll** : I wanna be the drunk aro ace aunt

 **cinnamonroll** : I like our step-group chat mom better :P

 **washingdone** : I am attacked what tek fuck is happening

 **margarita** : I HAVE NEWS

 **margarita** : I have gotten the proper alcohols and stolen the keys to GWash’s place

 **g.wash** : You've done, what?

 **intenseninsane** : do I wanna know how my 18 year old sister got her hands on alcohol

 ** **margarita** : **we’re playing t or d tonight bitches


	4. t or d

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They play truth or dare. 
> 
> [Long suffering sigh]

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Law Student  
 **Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney   
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training   
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher   
**Margarite Schuyler** : margarita — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington** : g.wash — District Attorney  
 **Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison** : sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 ** **Adrienne de Noailles** : **dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

**margarita** : so since SOMEONE lost their voice 

**dancingdoll** : first of all fuck u it was bc I had to train 3-year-olds for a recital 

**margarita** : and SOMEONE ELSE LOST THEIR HEARING

**dungoofed** : it was worth waking up Burr, Mads & Jeffs with firecrackers if it meant going temporarily deaf

**margarita** : we’re doing t or d here but taking shots irl

**largebaguette** : mon dieu

**margarita** : rules. spin the bottle. whoever it lands on, you present with a truth & a dare. if they do both, its fine. but for every one they don't do, they gotta take a shot

**margarita** : g.wash, it's your house. Spin that fuckn bottle

**g.wash** : Oh, dear.

**g.wash** : Eliza. 

**cinnamonroll** : Yea?

**g.wash** : Truth: are you still in love with Hamilton? Dare: play a round of duck duck goose, making the ugliest person in the room goose

**cinnamonroll** : I'll do the dare and no I'm not in love with Hamilton

**g.wash** : I'm sorry. Lafayette and Martha told me to ask these questions.

**daughtersnhorses** : I'm a duck, phew!

**margarita** : rt

**intenseninsane** : so am I!

**sigh** : aww Eliza

**sickofurshit** : she's truly an angel

**largebaguette** : I'm a dick! 

**largebaguette** : fuck I meant duck

**dancingdoll** : no u said it right you're a dick

**dancingdoll** : you may be a fucking olympic level runner but if I catch you I'll snap ur fucking neck don't point ur middle finger at me

**largebaguette** : ily Adri

**dancingdoll** : ily2 <3

**washingdone** : oh dear god

**dungoofed** : I FUCKING LOVE ELIZA

**macaroninfrance** : I'm the goose. 

**largebaguette** : WAIT BUT HE LOOKS LIKE ME MON DIEU 

**sickofurshit** : aww… Jeffy… 

**sigh** : yikes.jpg

**intenseninsane** : THAT WAS MEAN ELIZA

**cinnamonroll** : it was either Jeffs or Maria and I would never do that to Maria

**shadenlibertea** : awww <3

**cinnamonroll** : ok spinning the bottle 

**cinnamonroll** : MISS WASHINGTON

**washingdone** : gtg

**g.wash** : Get back here, Martha.

**washingdone** : what.

**cinnamonroll** : Truth: if you could have George back, would you? Dare: I dare you to kiss who you think is the hottest person in this room

**washingdone** : SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS ERRRRRRYBODY 

**washingdone** : okay as for the truth

**washingdone** : if I could, I would. He's an amazing man, an even better father. I adore him and he's my best friend. But he was unhappy with me & I wouldn't force him to abandon his happiness for my selfish needs. Plus, Lafayette is good for him. I'm glad he's got someone like Laf in his life.

**intenseninsane** : that was so fucking pure

**dungoofed** : is Herc crying

**daughtersnhorses** : GO AWAY

**gaytortoise** : guise thats so fuckin cute

**g.wash** : Martha, you're the closest friend I've got.

**washingdone** : George, do not throw away your shot.

**washingdone** : can someone get Laf off of me

**washingdone** : I'm being strangled

**dancingdoll** : he's a very emotional person

**washingdone** : HIS ARMS ARE VERY STRONG

**washingdone** : okay thank you George. Alex. Its on you, kid.

**dungoofed** : o boi

**washingdone** : Alexandre, truth: save John or Eliza in a fire Dare: twerk on Hunkules Mudergen

**daughtersnhorses** : Hunkules Murdergen 

**dungoofed** : I love them both in different ways I could never pick so shots shots shots

**dungoofed** : alright

**dungoofed** : come get this booty hunkules

**daughtersnhorses** : I am STRAIGHT. I am a STRAIGHT MAN. Please do nOT.

**largebaguette** : defending ur sexuality awfully hard there Herc (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**daughtersnhorses** : u defend the fact that you're cis & not nonbinary like EVERYDAY Laf

**largebaguette** : shit u rite

**daughtersnhorses** : Alex your butt is so bony get offfff

**margarita** : he's actually in pain is Alex that skeletal

**gaytortoise** : he's been preparing for the skeleton war

**gaytortoise** : when will my husband return from the skeleton war

**dungoofed** : I'm THICC BIH

**dungoofed** : check out these cakes pow pow pow

**largebaguette** : I can do better

**dancingdoll** : no me

**intenseninsane** : only way to answer this is a twerk off

**g.wash** : May I terk? 

**cinnamonroll** : George, Dad, friend: its twerk

**dungoofed** : oh dear god no

**largebaguette** : oh dear god yes

**margarita** : gwash up first bc I gotta see this

**dancingdoll** : oh my god

**largebaguette** : DADDY GOT CAKE FOR DAAAAAAAYZ 

**largebaguette** : i wanna twerk with him!

**dungoofed** : fuCk iT

**dancingdoll** : ayeee pop that don't stop

**sigh** : this is kind of hot

**intenseninsane** : theyre all so good at it?

**intenseninsane** : Lafs shorts are so short and you can just see the thigh movement o dear I am S T R A I G H T

**cinnamonroll** : Adri has dancers body and its just

**macaroninfrance** : Hamilton is disgusting but look at that ass MOVE 

**sigh** : AND GEORGE. GEORGE CAN TWERK. 

**largebaguette** : phew! what a fun exercise! Alexandre, spin the bottle

**dungoofed** : Maria. Truth: where is James Reynolds? Dare: Take body shots off of… Jefferson. He's the hairiest here. 

**cinnamonroll** : I'm just gonna hand Maria a shot for that dare bc she not doing it

**macaroninfrance** : o thank god

**shadenlibertea** : as for James…

**shadenlibertea** : i dunno. after that incident when SOMEONES JUMPED HIM

**largebaguette** : im not even sorry that I'm not sorry

**dungoofed** : rt

**daughtersnhorses** : rt

**gaytortoise** : rt

**shadenlibertea** : he dropped off the face of the earth so???

**shadenlibertea** : Lafayette!

**largebaguette** : oui oui mon amie

**shadenlibertea** : Truth: is it true you were a stripper cause I've heard rumors Dare: sit in the middle of the circle and pretend to be the bottle

**largebaguette** : oui it is true. Adri’s & my family had a large amount of debt for a long time and we both had to find work. I worked as a male dancer for several years until my trust kicked in and I was able to pull both of our families from debt

**largebaguette** : also OK

**largebaguette** : I'm going to spin myself

**largebaguette** : Angelica! 

**largebaguette** : truth: is it hard being in a relationship with a nympho, an asexual and an aromantic? Dare: …  Hmm… demonstrate your karate lessons 

**intenseninsane** : lemme see a cutting board 

**dungoofed** : WITH HER BARE HANDS LADIES AND GENTS

**dancingdoll** : SHE DESTROYED THAT CUTTING BOARD

**macaroninfrance** : that was lowkey kind of hot????? shook

**g.wash** : That was my favorite board.

**intenseninsane** : as for the question? ofc it is but every relationship struggles

**intenseninsane** : spinning Lafayette

**largebaguette** : WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! 

**g.wash** : Adorable.

**intenseninsane** : Laf u did this on purpose. Margarite Schuyler! 

**margarita** : what betch

**intenseninsane** : Truth: is it true you're in love with Herc? Dare: I dare you to confess your love to Herc

**margarita** : SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTS

**daughtersnhorses** : oh

**margarita** : spinnin the Laf

**margarita** : LAF PUT DOWN THOSE SHOTS THEY'RE FOR CHICKENS

**largebaguette** : but I'll get extra drunk if I drink and spin

**largebaguette** : ADrI

**margarita** : (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**dancingdoll** : o dear

**margarita** : Truth: Have you ever been in love with Lafayette? Dare: Take ten shots without your hands 

**dancingdoll** : Nope. Never. He's always been like a brother to me.

**dancingdoll** : NOW THE PARTYS STARTING ITS BEEN A SNOOZE FEST

**largebaguette** : your moves are weak I bet I can do 12

**dancingdoll** : I CAN DO 15

**largebaguette** : WELL I CAN DO 20

**dungoofed** : oh dear u all have made a mistake

**macaroninfrance** : the French are very competitive drinkers

**g.wash** : LAF DO NOT DRINK 20 SHOTS DEAR CHRIST

**washingdone** : ohohohoho this is gonna be hilarious 

**daughtersnhorses** : GO LAF HE'S ACTUALLY DOING IT GOGOGOGOGOGOGO

**margarita** : IM VOTIN FOR ADRIENNE CMON BB GIRL U GOT THIS 

**gaytortoise** : LAF LAF LAF LAF

**dungoofed** : LAFFY TAFFFFFFAAAAAAY

**macaroninfrance** : ADRIENNE U GOT THIS BB

**g.wash** : CEASE THIS BEHAVIOR IMMEDIATELY 

**g.wash** : OH MY GOD LAFAYETTE

**washingdone** : ADRI WON WHOOOO

**intenseninsane** : is Laf alive 

**sickofurshit** : hes gonna be so sick in the morning jesus Christmas 

**g.wash** : I'm going upstairs to prepare aspirin and water for him & put him to sleep. 

**g.wash** : You all should get some rest. Tomorrow is Monday.

**dungoofed** : BUT WE’RE NOT DRUNK YET

**g.wash** : Alexander. Enough.

**dungoofed** : OOOOH SOMEONES IN TROUBLE

****dungoofed** : ** idk why I said that it's me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idek if its true that the French are competitive drinkers im a RED BLOODED MURICAN but I thought it was funny so


	5. marriage

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Law Student  
**Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — District Attorney  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Medical Student  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 

 **sigh** : but what do we have in common?

 **sigh** : WE’RE RELIABLE WITH THE LADIES

 **gaytortoise** : hey (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **largebaguette** : hey (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **dungoofed** : hey (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **intenseninsane** : ur all in homosexual relationships

 **gaytortoise** : OK FIRST OF ALL—

 **largebaguette** : DRAG ME MOM

 **intenseninsane** : don't

 **dungoofed** : Eliza & I got a puppy

 **cinnamonroll** : yes.

 **gaytortoise** : BETRAYAL

 **shadenlibertea** : AFFAIRS

 **shadenlibertea** : LAURENS WHATEVER WILL WE DO

 **gaytortoise** : get a tort together?

 **shadenlibertea** : I'm DOWN

 **dungoofed** : We didn't intend to to be fair

 **cinnamonroll** : yes we found him on our way to get coffee and he was cold and shiverin and sick and hungry and we took him in

 **dungoofed** : his name is Pip.

 **cinnamonroll** : he's a yorkie

 **dungoofed** : he looks like a dog version of Laurens

 **gaytortoise** : your new son looks like your boyfriend…. Alex…

 **cinnamonroll** : we're gonna have split custody Alex gets him some two weeks & I get him the other two

 **largebaguette** : this is disgusting

 **macaroninfrance** : AGREED GROSS RATS

 **dancingdoll** : they're both crying and holding each other they think Alex & Eliza are perfect smols

 **largebaguette** : BLASPHEMOUS

 **macaroninfrance** : you know the word blasphemous but you called a platypus an otter-duck

 **lagebaguette** : BLASEPHEMOUS

 **macaroninfrance** : ಠ_ಠ

 **dancingdoll** : yo does ANYONE ELSE WANT TO COME SAY GDBYE BEFORE WE LEAVE FOR CHAVANIAC.

 **intenseninsane** : Jeffy & I already said goodbye this morning <3

 **largebaguette** : BLASPHEMOUS

 **intenseninsane** : NOT LIKE THAT. WE CUDDLED.

 **sigh** : Mads & I were there. it was strictly cuddling

 **largebaguette** : well George and I said goodbye LIKE THAT (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and Eliza was the only one that wished to see me off

 **cinnamonroll** : love you fellow baked good

 **largebaguette** : <3

 **dancingdoll** : alright we're outtie america

 **largebaguette** : I am an innie u know this Adri

 **intenseninsane** : its like one day his grasp on the English is firm and strong and he UNDERSTANDS

 **intenseninsane** : and the next day its otter-ducks & innies

 **largebaguette** : BLASPHEMOUS

 **g.wash** : why again are you leaving?

 **largebaguette** : my grandmother has fallen deathly ill, and we as her grandchildren are going to take care of her my love <3

 **macaroninfrance** : yeah Grandma Laf is hella sick

 **dancingdoll** : she's really old but still... she's like been all we've known all our lives so we've gotta look after her

 **sigh** : it will be so nonsexual without Jefferson

 **dancingdoll** : our dying grandmother and you're worried about the lack of sex there will be in ur home

 **macaroninfrance** : HEY

 **sickofurshit** : tru

 **g.wash** : So quiet without Lafayette…

 **dancingdoll** : no one here will miss me I can't wait to see Johnny Boi

 **gaytortoise** : huh?

 **dancingdoll** : John Barker Church. Another cousin.

 **intenseninsane** : THE ONE THAT RUNS CHURCH INDUSTRIES?!?! AND STARED IN THAT INDIE RAP MUSICAL?!

 **dancingdoll** : yes

 **dungoofed** : your whole family is fucking rich. Jeff and his parents booming agriculture business, Lafayette and his ties to FRENCH ROYALTY and his rich dead parents royal inheritance, Adrienne and her rich CEO parents of Apple, Inc. And now John Barker Church. THE OWNER OF CHURCH INDUSTRIES.

 **gaytortoise** : Phillip Schuyler is also mega rich isn't he in congress?

 **intenseninsane** : yes but ur dad is hella rich too Laurens he's the SC representative isn't he?

 **shadenlibertea** : I need to get in on the Noailles—Jefferson—Barker—Lafayette slash Schuyler slash Laurens bloodline tbh

 **washingdone** : RIGHT?!

 **sickofurshit** : how do we become legally related to you

 **largebaguette** : mon dieu

 **dancingdoll** : LAUGHING

 **macaroninfrance** : y-you… Madison…

 **sickofurshit** : what?

 **g.wash** : Lafayette is French royalty, and Jefferson & Noailles are inheritants to large sums of money. The only way to do that is through marriage or through birthing their heirs, Mr. Madison.

 **sickofurshit** : omgomgomg

 **intenseninsane** : I thought you knew this omg

 **intenseninsane** : whichever one of you marries & impregnates me has immediate access to the business I'm supposed to inherit

 **cinnamonroll** : yup. Same for you Maria. If you marry me, you can be hella rich

 **margarita** : & you Herc

 **shadenlibertea** : I don't want you for you money

 **shadenlibertea** : but Wash is planning to run for President eventually, yes?

 **g.wash** : Yes, once I've built my career.

 **shadenlibertea** : if he marries Laf it'll be a royal wedding

 **largebaguette** : MON DIEU WE ARE BOARDING THE PLANE

 **largebaguette** : GOODBYE

 **dancingdoll** : she's right though. Same with Jeffy. Anyone who marries him would be distant French royalty. Boarding the plane, guys bye <3

 **macaroninfrance** : see y'all in France!

 **dungoofed** : Jefferson is gone finally

 **dungoofed** : immediately the chat is cleaner

 **sickofurshit** : o dear god

 **g.wash** : So quiet… I didn't realize how quiet uptown is…

 **dungoofed** : do you want to meet your grandson sir

 **cinnamonroll** : S PIts

 **intenseninsane** : SCREAMING

 **intenseninsane** : U HAVE INVENTED

 **dungoofed** : I dun goofed

 **gaytortoise** : did u just acknowledge Wash as ur dad

 **dungoofed** : no!

 **sickofurshit** : screenshot.jpg

 **dungoofed** : GO TAKE UR FKCN MEDICINE MADISON

 **sickofurshit** : huehuehuehue

 **intenseninsane** : wtf is a ‘hue’

 **g.wash** : I'd love to meet my grandson, son.

 **dungoofed** : I!!!!

 **cinnamonroll** : HE'S SO RED WHAT DO I DO

 **gaytortoise** : nothing you can do just watch

 **g.wash** : I cannot wait to meet little Pip.

 **shadenlibertea** : this means Laf is Alex's step-mom

 **intenseninsane** : Laf is probably a wine mom lbr

 **shadenlibertea** : and Miss Wash is his Mom

 **cinnamonroll** : SCREMs

 **dungoofed** : SIR I AM NOT YOUR SON

 **g.wash** : Oh. :(

 **largebaguette** : GEORGE IS SAD O NO

 **intenseninsane** : Laf how…

 **dancingdoll** : we bought airplane WiFi bc Laf had a tingle

 **largebaguette** : ALEXANDRE TAKE IT BACK

 **dungoofed** : Laf—

 **largebaguette** : Alexander. Do you remember what I told you before I left?

 **dungoofed** : I'm sorry, Mr. Washington. I'd love to be your son.

 **g.wash** : Lovely! :)

 **largebaguette** : alright we are off again!

 **dancingdoll** : bye bye!

 **intenseninsane** : wait what did he tell u

 **dungoofed** : NOTHING

 **gaytortoise** : ????

 **cinnamonroll** : I know (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **shadenlibertea** : and bc she my gf I know :)

 **sickofurshit** : WHATTEHKFUC ISNGOIN ON

 **sigh** : same Mads

 ** **intenseninsane** : **goodnight y'all I'm d o ne


	6. filler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't think of a chapter name for this. It's exactly what it says.
> 
> However, Thomas asks Alex for advice, Lafayette only speaks French when he's stressed, and the Schuyler Sisters are less than sympathetic. 
> 
> Its hella short my bad

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Law Student  
**Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student  
**Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler** : intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler** : margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington** : g.wash — District Attorney  
**Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
****Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — **Gender Studies Student, Bartender **  
**James Madison** : sickofurshit — **Flower Shop Owner **  
**Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — **Political Sciences Major **  
****Adrienne de Noailles****** : dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 

**Private Messages — t.jeff, a.ham**

**t.jeff** : Say hypothetically… HYPOTHETICALLY, Hamilton, I wanted to propose to Angelica.

 **a.ham** : OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGIMG

 **t.jeff** : HYPOTHETICALLY!

 **a.ham** : okay okay continue

 **t.jeff** : how would I go about it?

 **a.ham** : invite her to France & do it in front of the Eiffel Tower. somewhere you love.

 **t.jeff** : but we're in Chavaniac not Paris

 **a.ham** : Chavaniac cannot be far from Paris

 **t.jeff** : true. I don't want to leave Grandma. And Gil & Adri. They're so distressed I don't wanna be selfish

 **a.ham** : Listen Jefferson, they'll understand. And if they don't, they'll come to. But can I ask a question?

 **t.jeff** : sure.

 **a.ham** : why not Madison? Or Burr?

 **t.jeff** : I… I think Burr & Madison are planning to just be by themselves. Which I won't mind. I love them both, but their happiness is most important. Plus, as much as I love them,  I'm not allowed to marry a man. My dad is Republican… and if I want to provide the good life for them that I have, I will stay in his good graces until I'm making my own money.

 **a.ham** : Oh. And why'd you come to me?

 **t.jeff** : you're the only one i trust not to tell anyone…

 **a.ham** : awwww… t-boi

 **t.jeff** : GOODBYE HAMILTON.

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**largebaguette** : Elle est si malade, mon dieu, les médecins disent qu'elle ne vivra pas la semaine, qu'est-ce que je ferai, c'est sa seule famille immédiate

 **shadenlibertea** : whoa laf chill a lil? English?

 **largebaguette** : MY GRANDMA IS GOING TO DIE AND I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE LEFT TO CONTINUE THE LAFAYETTE NAME HOW AM I TO CHILL U AIRHEADED IDIOT

 **dancingdoll** : Respirez, Gilbert. Faites une promenade dans le domaine, prenez du thé. Vous savez que madame Chavaniac n'aime pas vous voir dans un tel état.

 **macaroninfrance** : Je vais demander à Sally de vous apporter du thé dans les jardins. Aller.

 **largebaguette** : d’accord

 **largebaguette** : I shall return my apologies

 **intenseninsane** : is he okay?

 **dancingdoll** : His last tie to the Lafayette immediate family is dying wtf do you think

 **intenseninsane** : excuse me

 **cinnamonroll** : Lafayette is the last… Lafayette? That's so sad…

 **intenseninsane** : Imagine if I didn't have my fellow Schuyler girls

 **margarita** : <3

 **cinnamonroll** : <3

 **dancingdoll** : yeah now is a good time to show off your ability to continue on your family name good fucking job with the sensitivity u fucking headasses

 **largebaguette** : Adri… enough. Join me.

 **dancingdoll** : Yeah. Whatever.

 ** ** **macaroninfrance** : ****See ya, guys. I gotta look after Grandma.


	7. sad baguette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A li'l depressing.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Law Student  
**Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler** : margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington** : g.wash — District Attorney  
**Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison** : sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
****Adrienne de Noailles** : dancingdoll — **Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 **dancingdoll** : Thomas & I are on our way back to the Americas

 **dungoofed** : I'll meet you at the airport! When will you all arrive?

 **dancingdoll** : a few days. We're gonna stay with Laf a lil longer & Jeff wants to take Angie to see some Paris sights

 **intenseninsane** : my flight leaves in an hour!

 **dungoofed** : laf isn't coming?

 **macaroninfrance** : he has to settle the estate. bury grandma. learn of his new inheritance. and he's grieving severely with bouts of suicidal ideas, anxiety and depression, and the gardens are the only things that soothe him

 **dancingdoll** : if Jefferson and I didn't have to return to work we’d stay but…

 **g.wash** : I'm coming, immediately.

 **dancingdoll** : no. under no circumstances are you to contact Lafayette. he needs isolation.

 **cinnamonroll** : that's unfair…

 **dancingdoll** : trust me. Laf can't be healed, he must heal himself.

 _Time Skip_ — Two Days ••

 **intenseninsane** : SVREMS

 **cinnamonroll** : ANGELICA WHAT'S WRONG

 **intenseninsane** : Jefferzon PROPOZEX

 **margarita** : ENGLISH

 **intenseninsane** : PROPOSED JEFFERSON PROPOSED

 **sigh** : aw <3

 **sickofurshit** : im so happy signifs!!

 **macaroninfrance** :  those sound sarcastic please understand you two

 **sickofurshit** : you could never marry Burr or I. We understand, Jeffy.

 **macaroninfrance** : love y'all <3

 **dancingdoll** : CONGRATS.

 **g.wash** : Lovely to hear!

 **washingdone** : GEORGE THERE IS GONNA BE A WEDDING ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE THERE'S BEEN A WEDDING

 **g.wash** : Yes, Martha.

 **gaytortoise** : I hate jeffershit BUT HOLY AHIT CONGRATS ANGIE SCHUY

 **gaytortoise** : Angelica Schuyler—Jefferson

 **cinnamonroll** : SCHUYLER JEFFERSON WHAT A POWER COUPLE <333

 **dancingdoll** : some good news for this family, finally

 **daughtersnhorses** : CAN I BE FLOWER GIRL

 **daughtersnhorses** : LEMME BE FLOWER GIRL

 **daughtersnhorses** : BRAH

 **macaroninfrance** : idk Herc… I got a little cousin… and ofc, there are Angie’s little siblings…. and Adri’s kid

 **daughtersnhorses** : IM A FLOWER GIRL WHEEEEEEEEE

 **intenseninsane** : herc no we have to see

 **daughtersnhorses** : I

 **dancingdoll** : UM excuse u my son lives with his Dad he will NOT be attending

 **daughtersnhorses** : AM

 **margarita** : yeah i don't wanna be ur dumb flower girl I wanna be a heckin bridesmaid

 **daughtersnhorses** : A

 **dancingdoll** : & neither will Martha tommy honest to god

 ******daughtersnhorses** : ****FLOWER GIRL


	8. rehearsal (kind of not really)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything Thomas does is cringe.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Law Student  
**Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler** : margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington** : g.wash — District Attorney  
**Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison** : sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
****Adrienne de Noailles** : **dancingdoll **—** Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

  **dungoofed** : I'm just saying fuck 12

 **sigh** : Hamilton we ARE 12

 **g.wash** : Burr is right, Hamilton.

 **dungoofed** : isaidwhatisaid.gif

 **sigh** : so u want to fuck me & Mr. Wash

 **dungoofed** : WHAT TEK FKCU NO GET TF OUTTA HERE BURRRR

 **sigh** : then no fuck 12?

 **dungoofed** : STOP TWISTING MY DAMN WORDS FUCK U

 **macaroninfrance** : please don't be like this at the wedding rehearsal today Jesus

 **cinnamonroll** : why are we doing wedding rehearsals if they're just having a courthouse marriage

 **margarita** : they just want to the after party

 **intenseninsane** : an excuse to get drunk on champagne tbh

 **shadenlibertea** : I can't believe jeff & ang have ALL THAT MONEY and they're having such a lame wedding

 **intenseninsane** : we don't need a big wedding to define our love

 **washingdone** : she's right Maria

 **shadenlibertea** : if I was balling like that my wedding would be princess level

 **cinnamonroll** : marry me & it will be

 **shadenlibertea** : oh

 **margarita** : SHE'S BLUSHING HOW CUTE

 **macaroninfrance** : I'll have a hookah bar at the afterparty for anyone interested

 **gaytortoise** : with tobacco

 **macaroninfrance** : non (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **gaytortoise** : aYyE???

 **shadenlibertea** : AYEAYEAYE

 **g.wash** : Though I detest Lafayette's joy in cigarettes and marijuana, I believe he'd say ‘aye’.

 **dungoofed** : ARE. Y'ALL TALKIN BOUT THE WE Ds

 **dungoofed** : THAT'S ILEGHAL IM CALLIN 911

 **sigh** : FIVE MINUTES AGO IT WAS ‘FUCK 12’

 **gaytortoise** : I'll Fuck 12 (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **shadenlibertea** : doesn't Alex smoke

 **dungoofed** : 5 MINUTED AGO THERE WAS NO ILLEHAL AVTIVES IN MY G R O U P

 **sigh** : I… give up honestly…  

 **gaytortoise** : yeah he smokes but me, Laf,  and Tommy are s t o n e r s

 **dungoofed** : TOMMY?!?!!! HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND NO NEED TO BE SO FRIENDLY AND I AM A CHILD OF GOD I WOULD NEVER

 **washingdone** : no illegal fuckn substances on MY WATCH

 **macaroninfrance** : yes Mom

 **macaroninfrance** : *whispers* aye

 **shadenlibertea** : aye

 **gaytortoise** : aye

 **dungoofed** : JohnATHBA U WILL N O T

 **gaytortoise** : that's… that's not on my birth certificate pls don't

 **dungoofed** : NONE OF THIS FOOLERY NONE OF IT

 **gaytortoise** : yes daddy

 **dungoofed** : I—!

 **daughtersnhorses** : kfc he's turning red so fast

 **cinnamonroll** : KFC.

 **cinnamonroll** : daddy!

 **cinnamonroll** : THIS IS SO ENTERTAINING

 **dungoofed** : nottodaysatan.gif

 **dungoofed** : FIRST KF ALL JOHN I AM N I T

 **dungoofed** : NOR SILL I EVER BE

 **dungoofed** : ANYONE EXVEPY PIPS DAD

 **dungoofed** : THIRD OF UFKCINH ALL

 **intenseninsane** : he skipped 2

 **dungoofed** : ZfkuciNG HRFCULRS

 **dungoofed** : IT'S J. F. C. AS IN JESUS. CHRIST.

 **dungoofed** : our lord abd SAVUOR CME TO DELIVER US FROM JOHNS SINS

 **daughtersnhorses** : I'm shaking with laughter

 **gaytortoise** : ok daddy alex ;) sorry daddy i've been bad ik

 **g.wash** : WHAT KIND OF WILD ANIMAL WAS THAT?

 **g.wash** : The most horrifying anguished wail just came from a few blocks down!

 **g.wash** : Oh, it was just Hamilton.

 **sickofurshit** : GUISE HERC IS ON THE FLOOR ROLLING

 **sickofurshit** : HE'S JUST CRYING OUT “ANIMAL”

 **sigh** : wait are you actually bonding with your brother

 **sickofurshit** : SHUT UR FUCK

 **sickofurshit** : ANYWAYS HES TURNIN PURPLE WHAYBDO I DO

 **margarita** : oh oh oh remind him of “Lenny the deg deg king”

 **sickofurshit** : okay?

 **sickofurshit** : WHAT DID U DO THAT MADE IT WORSE

 **margarita** : I KNOW !!!!!

 **daughtersnhorses** : Im wbdzING

 **dungoofed** : yuk it up all you WAnT Hercules

 **g.wash** : Enough of this, everybody. James. What flowers say ‘I'm sorry for your loss’ and ‘I love you’?

 **dancingdoll** : I told you George …

 **g.wash** : THIS IS RIDICULOUS, ADRIENNE.

 **g.wash** : Pardon me but it's been MONTHS.

 **intenseninsane** : it's been A month Wash I'm hollering

 **sickofurshit** : Roses. Black ones. Roses symbolize the love but black symbolizes grieving

 **macaroninfrance** : still find it funny that James has a pollen allergy and owns a flower shop

 **sickofurshit** : it was my mom's Tommy and she wouldn't have wanted me to sell

 **intenseninsane** : WE ARE OFF THE IMPORTANT TOPIC HERE

 **intenseninsane** : ME AND MY KICK ASS WEDDING

 **washingdone** : George why is Adrienne pulling up your driveway?

 **dungoofed** : O SHIT ELIZA WE'VE GOT TO GET TO GWASH’S HOUSE

 **daughtersnhorses** : JEMMY JAM AND I R SPR J N TING

 **sickofurshit** : I'VE GOT THICK THIGHS AND MY JEANS ARE GIVING ME CHUB RUB TELL HIM TO STOP MAKING ME RUN

 **dungoofed** : TMI JEMMY JAM

 **g.wash** : We can speak civilly kids, do not worry.

 **cinnamonroll** : “““kids””” OMG

 **dungoofed** : nah wash Laf loves you but he'll always put Adrienne first you don't wanna get on her bad side.

 **g.wash** : Oh.

 **macaroninfrance** : BUT. OUR. WEDDING.

 **margarita** : they'll handle the washette problem where are we having the rehearsal dinner tonight?

 **intenseninsane** : you're gonna laugh

 **margarita** : yes I probably am

 **intenseninsane** : Thomas wanted this

 **shadenlibertea** : I'm already ready for this

 **intenseninsane** : … golden corral

 **margarita** : SPITS

 **intenseninsane** : SEE

 **intenseninsane** : Thomas PLEASE choose ANYWHERE ELSE

 **macaroninfrance** : but Golden Corral has my favorite macaroni n cheese

 **intenseninsane** : THOMAS THIS IS SO TACKY S T O P

 **sigh** : how is he not afraid of her

 **macaroninfrance** : No Angelica. The next dinner u can pick but it's MY TURN and I'm picking GOLDEN CORRAL

 **sigh** : this is the rest of ur life Angelica

 ** ** **intenseninsane** : ****oh i know ಠ_ಠ


	9. a moment alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GWash is tired. So, so, so tired. Someone let him take a nap somewhere, jfc.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Law Student  
 **Aaron Burr** : sigh — Assistant District Attorney   
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training   
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student  
 **Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher   
**Margarite Schuyler** : margarita — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington** : g.wash — District Attorney  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles** : dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 

**g.wash** : I want to sit under my own vine… 

**dungoofed** : sir I'm SORRY

**g.wash** : ...and fig tree… 

**sigh** : RIP Aaron Burr Gone too Soon

**dancingdoll** : not soon enough

**sigh** : honestly I don't EVEN KNOW U dont drag me

**margarita** : DRAG HIM I LOVE ME A GOOD DRAGGING

**g.wash** : A moment alone in the shade. At home in this nation we've made.

**intenseninsane** : oh dear what happened

**intenseninsane** : will this explain why Thomas came home crying and covered in mac? 

**dungoofed** : HE WAS CRYING? NICE.

**shadenlibertea** : is Eliza around? no? 

**shadenlibertea** : NICE

**cinnamonroll** : WHAT HAVE I TOLD U ABOUT ENCOURAGING HIM

**g.wash** : Ask. Hamilton. Angelica.

**largebaguette** : is now a bad time? 

**g.wash** : Gilbert! How happy I am to hear from you again! 

**largebaguette** : George! I have missed you! I am coming home. Are you alright? 

**g.wash** : 

**largebaguette** : that message is empty George

**dancingdoll** : his eye twitched omg

**largebaguette** : Adri u and my georgey are hanging out! How lovely! 

**g.wash** : His Georgey… 

**dancingdoll** : EW GEORGE WASHINGTON IS RLLY SMOL & CUTE WHEN HE BLUSHES IT MAKES IT SO HARD FOR ME TO NOT LIKE HIM EVEN THO NO 1 IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LAFFY TAFFY

**daughtersnhorses** : our dad

**gaytortoise** : GC Dad! <3

**cinnamonroll** : 3 cheers for our dad <3

**macaroninfrance** : HIP HIP HOORAY we love u gwash

**largebaguette** : daddy (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**washingdone** : IGNORING THIS DISGUSTING DISPLAY OF DADDY KINK WHY IS THE DA’S OFFICE COVERED IN MACARONI 

**dungoofed** : YES BACK TO THE IMPORTANT HAPPENINGS AKA ME HUMILIATING JEFFERSON

**washingdone** : oh my god

**dancingdoll** : alex you dIDN’T

**dungoofed** : O BUT I DID

**intenseninsane** : HOW DID U EVEN GET IN

**sigh** : I… I may have gotten distracted

**intenseninsane** : YOU'RE FUCKING HAMILTON?!?!

**gaytortoise** : yo??? step the fuck down???? frfrfr

**sigh** : What?! No! I… when you & Jefferson broke up with us, and then Mads broke up with me and I…  I'm slightly heartbroken, okay??? 

**sigh** : I needed to vent, so I turned to my old RevSet 

**intenseninsane** : you did NOT go and vent to Hamilton & his INSANE crew

**largebaguette** : excuse me we are not insane and I was not there I would've talked them out of this and your un is actually intenseninsane

**daughtersnhorses** : yeah our insanity mostly stems from Alex & John being assholes and Laf’s reputation of being a slut we're not that bad

**sigh** : I'm sorry Thomas

**macaroninfrance** : I'm not mad with you Aaron you are hurting I am angry with HAMILTON

**g.wash** : For a little background for those uninvolved in these office shenanigans: I have moved up to the Judge's position, which means that I'm also climbing politically. I invited my political counterparts and their interns to the going away party that Martha had organized in my honor.

**dungoofed** : I got the keys to the office from Burr while he was crying on John's lap

**sigh** : I feel manipulated

**dungoofed** : and I rigged a macaroni explosive with the help of Maria that would explode when a PARTICULAR shoe crosses the wire

**cinnamonroll** : I AM GOING TO BEAT U WITH A CROISSANT ALEX

**largebaguette** : why not a baguette ;)

**cinnamonroll** : ew um I don't touch the nasty peni k thx get that diddly dong away from my fiddly face

**dungoofed** : we literally have had sex Eliza what the FUCK

**intenseninsane** : … I'm acreaming you made a MACARONI EXPLOSIVE

**g.wash** : My own vine… and fig tree… a moment alone in the shade… at home in this nation we've made… 

**largebaguette** : My poor sweet Georgey

**margarita** : CACKLING

**gaytortoise** : oh my g

**g.wash** : I need to retire.

**largebaguette** : oui oui pls do we can go to my summer home in Auvergne it will be lovely

**intenseninsane** : youre dead to me HamMan 

**gaytortoise** : HamMan

**margarita** : HamMan

**cinnamonroll** _has changed_ **dungoofed** _to_ **HamMan**

**HamMan** : no this will not be a thing

**HamMan** _has changed his username to_ **dungoofed**

**dungoofed** : I dun goofed boi

**daughtersnhorses** : yo has anyone SEEN Jemmy? he is weirdly enough missing in the GC he hasn't insulted Thomas in a hot minute

**macaroninfrance** : oh good a change of subject 

**cinnamonroll:** he's with Dolley & Cato? Idk who they are but I texted him hella worried and he is ok :) 

**daughtersnhorses** : Dolley is his BEST HECKIN FRIEND & Cato is our adopted brother but lets talk about the purest person in this bizatch s/o to MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND Eliza

**largebaguette** : bizatch

**largebaguette** : also Hercules EXCUZEZ—MOI

**intenseninsane** : how do u misspell ur own native tongue I don't understand

**cinnamonroll** : aww best friend ily!

**dungoofed** : huh. Herc and Eliza. who saw that friendship coming

**margarita** : well he is my bf and my sisters are my best friends soooo…

**daughtersnhorses** : yeah Angie is my bestie too

**intenseninsane** : love u Herc <3

**macaroninfrance** : she doesnt even tell me she loves me

**intenseninsane** : maybe I don't

****dungoofed** : **GET WRIGITTY WRI-WRIGGITY WRECKED SON 


	10. filler 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JMads will never be satisfied, ANGIE & THOMAS ARE GETTIN MARRIED WHOOP, and Laf is actin a little weird.
> 
> This is actually a sad chapter you can skip if needed

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student  
**Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler** : margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington** : g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
****Adrienne de Noailles:**** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 **largebaguette** : HAMILTON

 **dungoofed** : LAFAYETTE

 **largebaguette** : in command where you belong I see

 **dungoofed** : how you say, no sweat

 **largebaguette** : congratulations on the promotion mister ADA

 **dungoofed** : thanks Laffy Taffy <3

 **dungoofed:** ily bro

 **largebaguette** : ily2

 **cinnamonroll** : YAY FRIENDSHIP

 **largebaguette** : and so with that said I bring an update on the wedding

 **dungoofed** : I am conflicted bc this Jeffershit’s wedding but also literal goddess???? Angelica Schuyler????

 **margarita** : ditto

 **g.wash** : You've been in town for a day? How have you ALREADY taken control?

 **dancingdoll** : that's our Laffy Taffy for ya

 **washingdone** : his eye twitched at the word ‘our’ lmfao george u are so far gone

 **intenseninsane** : Laf helped me pick my bridesmaids & maid of honor

 **intenseninsane** : Laf, Eliza, Peggy and Martha will be bridesmaids and

 **intenseninsane** : Adrienne…? Would you…?

 **dancingdoll** : me?

 **largebaguette** : she just choked on her drink how CUTE

 **cinnamonroll** : WHAT

 **margarita** : THIS IS AN OUTRAGE no offense Adri

 **intenseninsane** : so you and Eliza wouldn't argue over who got to be maid of honor & Adri is pretty neutral on all terms

 **dancingdoll** : of course I will Angelica aww

 **largebaguette** : AND THOMAS TELL THEM

 **macaroninfrance** : …

 **sickofurshit** : its ok Tommy go on

 **macaroninfrance** : Burr, Hamilton, Laurens and Mr. Washington as my groomsmen

 **dungoofed** : EW WHAT A RAT

 **gaytortoise** : he will be honoured

 **macaroninfrance** : and Mads… would you… be my best man?

 **sickofurshit** : I'd love to, Tommy <3

**Private Messages — j.mad, m.wash**

**j.mad** : how do you deal with forever being just Washington's “friend”

 **j.mad** : I cannot imagine a life this turmoiled

 **m.wash** : James…

 **j.mad** : how are you satisfied being the love of your lifes second best. just a friend, never as GOOD as Lafayette NEVER GOOD ENOUGH

 **m.wash** : I'm not… I will never be satisfied

 **j.mad** : I know he'll be happy as her groom

 **j.mad** : but I will never be satisfied…

 **m.wash** : do you need me to come to yours?

 **j.mad** : please

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**largebaguette** : Herc will be the flower girl!

 **largebaguette** : imsorry i cannot contain myself

**Private Messages — a.noa, g.wash**

**a.noa** : I'm worried that Laf is immersing himself in this wedding to not finish mourning

 **g.wash** : I will make sure that is not the case

 **g.wash** : you are a good friend, Adrienne

 **a.noa** : yeah ig

 **a.noa** : take care of our boy wash

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**margarita** : IM SPITTING

 **dungoofed** : HERC

 **dungoofed** : FLOWER GIRL

 **gaytortoise** : lmfao Laf why that was just supposed to be a joke

 **daughtersnhorses** : I changed my mind actually I'd rather not be involved in this wedding

 **largebaguette** : … oh

 **sickofurshit** : Hercules. You'd be a lovely flower girl.

**Private Messages — brah, jmedicine**

**jmedicine** : do it. really, its okay

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**daughtersnhorses** : u think so?

**Private Messages — brah, jmedicine**

**brah** : are u sure?

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**sickofurshit** : I know so <3

**Private Messages — brah, jmedicine**

**jmedicine** : positive

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**daughtersnhorses** : then I'll do it

 **macaroninfrance** : thank you all for being involved

 **macaroninfrance** : really from the bottom of my heart

 **intenseninsane** : it means a lot to us guys I stg

 **macaroninfrance** : don't know what I would do without u guys

 **dungoofed** : yeah u need us to be likable

 **macaroninfrance** : except u hamilton

 **macaroninfrance** : I STILL SMELL LIKE MACARONI

 **dungoofed** : lmfao hi five maria

 **shadenlibertea** : eliza said not to high five u bc it encourages you

**Private Messages — m.rey, a.ham**

**m.rey** : *high-five*

 **a.ham** : yis

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**g.wash** : When is the next rehearsal dinner?

 **g.wash** : I could host it at my home, if you'd like.

 **intenseninsane** : awe george

 **macaroninfrance** : sir…

 **g.wash** : It'll be my pleasure, really. Angelica and Thomas are like children to me.

 **sickofurshit** : I'm disgusted Thomas is CRYING how GROSS

 **daughtersnhorses** : Laf is the wine mom

 **intenseninsane** : this has been established HERCULES

 **largebaguette** : what an amazing man amirite

 **washingdone** : u rite

 ** **intenseninsane** : **this weekend then. see y'all there <3


	11. sally & theodosia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing two of my faves (NOT MENTIONED ENOUGH FAVES) and a lil tension.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison** : sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles** : dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 **cinnamonroll** : whats my sin? never quit I follow through

 **cinnamonroll** : I hate mess but ily

 **cinnamonroll** : what to do with my impromptu baby?

 **shadenlibertea** : did u just call me a mess

 **gaytortoise** : same Liza but @ Alex

 **cinnamonroll** : hmm what is that lil Tommy? Sally is eating paste again I'm omw

 **macaroninfrance** : whoa we have a maid at Chavaniac named Sally and I'm Tommy

 **largebaguette** : a maid that Thomas fucked while vacationing there every summer

 **macaroninfrance** : nO

 **intenseninsane** : oh?

 **dancingdoll** : fucked? they were practically married

 **macaroninfrance** : guise

 **intenseninsane** : what happened?

 **largebaguette** : Uncle Jefferson found out & banned him from seeing her again. It was either that or be written out of the will. And we know what he chose.

 **dancingdoll** : Laf & I were furious with him bc they were so damn in love

 **macaroninfrance** : THEY WONT LET ME LIVE IT DOWN

 **largebaguette** : akchually

 **macaroninfrance** : LAFAYETTE NO

 **largebaguette** _added_ **s.hem  
**s.hem** **_changed her username to_ ****beourguest****

 **daughtersnhorses** : AYYYE

 **beourguest** : AYYYE but fuck this apps gender binary tho I am 100% nb tyvm

 **daughtersnhorses** _changed his name to_ **gothedistance**

 **gothedistance** : DISNEY NERDS SQUAD UP

 **beourguest** : YOYOYOYO

 **largebaguette** : SALLY! How are your siblings loving the estate?

 **beourguest** : they love having their own rooms! the place is so beautiful, too, a great place for them to grow up! thanks Mr. Lafayette

 **largebaguette** : please call me Laf

 **dancingdoll** : YOU GAVE THE HOUSE TO SALLY. LAF THAT'S SO CUTE.

 **gothedistance** : uh-oh Liza getting some comp for the purest person in here

 **cinnamonroll** : Laf once pushed Charles Lee down the stairs when he found out they shared a birthday I'm sure my rep is secure

 **largebaguette** : its practically theirs anyways. they know it back to front

 **beourguest** : Laf has been hella nice to my family dunno how I'm ever gonna repay him

 **beourguest** : also forgive me if I'm not familiar with anyone but Adrienne and Lafayette

 **dancingdoll** : no need to be so formal, Sally! _@gothedistance_ is Hercules

 **gothedistance** : BRAH BRAH I NEED NO INTRODUCTION

 **beourguest** : how cute

 **margarita** : yo step tf down Sally

 **dancingdoll** : that's Peggy she's just rlly protective of Herc don't mind her

 **beourguest** : I understand. Hi!

 **dancingdoll** : _@intenseninsane_ & _@cinnamonroll_ are her sisters, Angelica  & Eliza

 **beourguest** : wouldn't happen to be Angelica Schuyler, no?

 **intenseninsane** : that would be me

 **beourguest** : Oh. Hi.

 **dancingdoll** : and you remember _@macaroninfrance_

**Private Messages — a.schuy, a.noa**

**a.schuy** : yo back down frfrfr

 **a.noa** : oh no worries Thomas loves you and Sally is all the way in France calm down I'm just stirring the pot

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**largebaguette** : U WERE SUPPOSED TO MENTION HIM LAST ADRI U WALNUT

 **dancingdoll** : come here and fight me bitch right now

 **beourguest** : how could I forget…  hello Thomas

 **macaroninfrance** : Sally.

 **beourguest** : nice to hear from you

 **macaroninfrance** : And you.

 **beourguest** : well… I think hear the kids coming in from school. Goodbye, everyone

 **beourguest** _has left the chat_

 **macaroninfrance** : LAFAYETTE I AM GOING TO KILL YOU

 **largebaguette** : MON DIEU

 **largebaguette** : _@g.wash @g.wash_

 **g.wash** : What do you need, honey?

 **g.wash** : Step down, Thomas.

 **largebaguette** : MY HERO <3

 **macaroninfrance** : I fucking hate you Laf so so so so much

 **largebaguette** : no u don't I am the sassy gay cousin

 **dancingdoll** : I thought that was me?

 **largebaguette** : you are not gay and you do not even have sex p l e a s e Adrienne

 **dancingdoll** : what does having SEX have to do with SASS

 **largebaguette** : SASS REVOLVES AROUND SEXUAL KNOWLEDGE ADRIENNE

 **dancingdoll** : WHOS SAYS

 **largebaguette** : ME

 **dancingdoll** : NO SOMEONE RELEVANT

 **cinnamonroll** : me?

 **dancingdoll** : shit u rite my bad

 **largebaguette** : ELIZA MY HEROINE HOWEVER COULD I REPAY U?

 **cinnamonroll** : remember those chocolate drizzled croissants you made? hook me up?

 **largebaguette** : yes ofc ofc

 **shadenlibertea** : make enough for me too!

 **cinnamonroll** : PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS

 **shadenlibertea** : but its Greene's class and he's booooooooooring

 **cinnamonroll** : YOU GOTTA GRADUATE AND FIND A JOB IN SOCIAL WORK MARIA PAY ATTENTION

 **shadenlibertea** : gay

 **cinnamonroll** : u kno it

 **sigh** : some of us are trying to work so

 **largebaguette** : MUTE THE CHAT & LET ME ENJOY MY BISEXUAL ICONS™

 **dungoofed** : ahEM?

 **macaroninfrance** : fuck u Alex AHEM LAFAYETTE UR WHOLE ASS RELATIVE

 **margarita** : how do u half ass being a relative

 **dancingdoll** : somehow, Thomas always finds a way

 **macaroninfrance** : fuck you!

 **dancingdoll** : not interested

 **largebaguette** : nvm the fact that its INCEST

 **largebaguette** : also Maria & Eliza are better than all of you

 **g.wash** : I believe I am bisexual, no?

 **largebaguette** : I retract my previous statement

 **cinnamonroll** : jk Adri u don't need a sex life to be sassy

 **dancingdoll** : obviously amirite Burr?

 **g.wash** : How do you youngins say? Yikes™.

 **dungoofed** : 911 COME QUICK

 **largebaguette** : hello officers I've witnessed a MURDER

 **margarita** : O SHIT

 **gaytortoise** : SHOTS FCKN FIRED

 **gothedistance** : GAHDAMN

 **gothedistance** _has changed his name to_ **daughtersnhorses**

 **sigh** : why the FUCK do you keep shading me when I HAVE DONE NOTHING to you i don't fucking UNDERSTAND

 **dancingdoll** : easy target that won't fight back nor has anyone to fight back for him

 **sigh** : ya know what

 **sigh** _has added_ **t.bar  
t **.bar** **_has changed her name_ ****slimthicc****

 **sigh** : WITCHO CUTE ASS

 **slimthicc** : AYYYE

 **largebaguette** : I'm stalking this persons FB hollup

 **intenseninsane** : ditto

 **intenseninsane** : wait… Theodosia? Theodosia BARTOW?

 **slimthicc** : that me

 **slimthicc** : do you happen to know a lot of Theodosia’s or…?

 **intenseninsane** : HI ITS ME ANG

 **slimthicc** : SCHUYLER? HOLY FRICK

 **slimthicc** :  haven't seen you since GRADE SCHOOL

 **slimthicc** : no offense but you're so fricking GORGEOUS HOLY

 **daughtersnhorses** : look I know you're excited but lets watch the fucking language here

 **dancingdoll** : wait why would that be offensive

 **slimthicc** : … I don't talk to a lot of people besides Ronnie I'm not well versed in this whole conversation stuff

 **dungoofed** : RO nN I e

 **sigh** : goddamnit Theo

 **dungoofed** : RONJIE

 **gaytortoise** : Alex everyone has nicknames why are you surprised @ this

 **dungoofed** : IT MAKES BURR SO…… SO……

 **slimthicc** : human?

 **dungoofed** : YES OUI SÍ

 **slimthicc** : we get that a lot

 **sigh** : goodbye I'm going back to work

 **g.wash** : You asked me to look over your arguments for the Levi Weeks case, Ronnie?

 ** **sigh** : **SIGH


	12. seabury & king

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Racist & Homophobic slurs abound.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
****Adrienne de Noailles:**** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

 

 **dungoofed** : petition to formally fucking OBLITERATE Samuel Seabury with my new fucking ANONYMOUS NEWSLETTER THAT WILL DRAG HIS NAME THROUGH THE FUCKING MUD

 **g.wash** : Signed, Sealed, Delivered.

 **shadenlibertea** : fucking signed

 **daughtersnhorses** : fuck obliterating him verbally i will fucking KILL him

 **daughtersnhorses** : Im going to beat the SHIT out of him

 **dancingdoll** : THAT'S THE TALK I LIKE HEARING

 **margarita** : omg Herc told me what happened I'm so fucking MAD what the FUCK

 **macaroninfrance** : fucking Seabury he's gonna have so many lawsuits crawling up his ass I'll OWN him I swear on it HE WILL SPEND THE RESR OF HIS MISERABLE LIFE WITH NOTHING

 **cinnamonroll** : whoa what happened?

 **shadenlibertea** : Eliza you wouldn't believe the fucking AUDACITY of this TRUMP ASS KISSER

 **dancingdoll** : Maria, Laf, Herc & I were leaving the offices after Laf had dropped off lunch to Thomas, Alex & George. Laf being the KIND SWEET SOUL that he is had skipped class so he could MAKE THEM A HEALTHY LUNCH I ONLY STAN A LEGEND

 **shadenlibertea** : and Laf was wearing these fishnets beneath ripped jeans, high ass latex heeled boots, a crop top underneath a leather jacket and his makeup WAS FLEEKED TO THE GODS OK

 **daughtersnhorses** : my best friend snatched me so fkcn bald this morning had me wanting to get my makeup done by him and I don't even wear that shit

 **dancingdoll** : eyeliner was so sharp he could blink at someone's neck and kill them

 **shadenlibertea** : Lips were as BLACK AS MY SOUL and fucking shimmerin and shit I was ENVIOUS bitch

 **dancingdoll** : MY SKIN WAS CLEARED I WAS HYDRATED

 **daughtersnhorses** : MY CROPS WERE PROSPEROUS

 **shadenlibertea** : I WAS WELL-RESTED AND MY SOUL WAS NOURISHED

 **largebaguette** : oh guys you're too kind

 **daughtersnhorses** : and some bitch ASS TRUMP SUPPORTER had to show his UGLY FUCKING SNAKE SKIN and ruin our GOOD ASS DAY THAT WAS GOING TO END IN LASER TAG

 **daughtersnhorses** : tripped Laf and ruined his makeup and tore his top and made him cry. literally our sweet angel Laf was sitting in the middle of the lobby just sobbing

 **sigh** : I remain neutral on all sides and even I wanted to pummel Seabury into the ground

 **dancingdoll** : and then he

 **shadenlibertea** : …

 **largebaguette** : its okay I'm not ashamed

 **dungoofed** : called him an “aids riddled f*ggot that would never be more than Georges fuck hole”

 **dungoofed** : and he called Herc a n*gger when he stepped in and broke his goddamn nose :)

 **dungoofed** : :) @ Herc breaking his nose not at the slur

 **daughtersnhorses** : idgaf about that i don't gaf about what some pos privileged dickwad thinks about me its what he said & did to Laf

 **macaroninfrance** : the sweetest, gentlest, kindest man that anyone would ever come across

 **macaroninfrance** : the person that helped Dolley when she first started tucking and taught Cato his ABCs and always did my hair when I didn't know what to do with my kinks and gave Sally his fucking mansion

 **macaroninfrance** : Lafayette I promise Seabury will PAY

 **largebaguette** : Non. His penance will be his shame. You guys, seriously, don't do anything to him. I’m truly unaffected, mon amies. This happens quite frequently.

 **dancingdoll** : yes Laf but never so publicly and you've never cried

 **largebaguette** : its just what he said about George that's all it just got to me in the moment

**Private Messages — moncœur, sunshine**

**moncœur** : Gil, I'm coming home immediately. I will pick up some Cookie Dough ice cream, purchase a Mean Girlz DVD from Redbox and grab some of those nuggets from Burger King you adore.

 **sunshine** : george, you don't have to i will be fine

 **moncœur** : Did I ask whether or not you'd be fine?

 **sunshine** : I love you so much, baby <3  can we invite everyone else later & have a pillow fort & a sleepover too?

 **moncœr** : You only needed to say the word.

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**cinnamonroll** : Oh my God! I //know// Seabury!

 **cinnamonroll** : he's the older brother of one of my students

 **cinnamonroll** : I always thought he was so quiet and kind!

 **cinnamonroll** : well I don't tolerate bigotry and he won't be allowed to pick his brother up anymore. I'd been letting it slide bc he was nice but from now on only people with CUSTODY can get the kids hmph

 **washingdone** : im not making excuses for this homophobic prick believe me I will make sure George has his job and puts the most flamboyant human being in his position but

 **washingdone** : he reeked of liquor

 **dungoofed** : alcohol only enables us to say what we wouldn't sober Martha don't give me that shit

 **g.wash** : Enough. Everyone will report to my home tonight at six. There'll be pizza, wine, and a Disney movie marathon. Bring clothes—it’s the weekend and you'll be spending the night.

 **g.wash** : For Gilbert.

 **dungoofed** : My schedule is fucking CLEARED.

 **margarita** : I'm already SPRINTING

 **dancingdoll** : IM ALREADY HERE

 **gaytortoise** : bitch I'm in the driveway let me in

 **largebaguette** : omg he is

 **largebaguette** : I love you all! <3 <3

**Private Messages — m.wash, g.king**

**m.wash** : I don't think this is gonna work out…

 **g.king** : What??? What are you talking about???

 **m.wash** : I should've known you were too young & immature and that I shouldn't involve myself but i was looking for love and…

 **m.wash** : delete my number

 **g.king** : This isn't over that faggot, is it? You're leaving me over some queer? Honestly, I didn't even do anything!

 **m.wash** : you encouraged Sam to do it, I saw you!

 **m.wash** : His name is Lafayette. He likes the smell of lavender and he knows all the words to Mean Girlz. He loves the Heathers, RENT and crop tops. He doesn't know how to dance but he can twerk his ass off and he loves to exercise. He dumps half a canister of sugar in his tea, coffee & sweet tea. He is rich but not spoiled and does nothing but give. His favorite color is metallic gold & his favorite song is Candy Store from the Heathers.

 **g.king** : …? I don't care Martha

 **m.wash** : The point is, he's a person, George. Just like you and me.

 **m.wash** : And until you mature, until you understand that…

 **m.wash** : I can't be with you.

 **g.king** _is now blocked from sending messages to_ **m.wash**

**Group Chat — Hamilsquad**

**dungoofed** : Marliza I can't hear the sound Moana being a badass over the sound of you sucking tongue

 **shadenlibertea** : 1) Marliza <3 2) Fuck off Alex I heard what u whispered in Johns ear earlier nasty ass

 **gaytortoise** : EXPOSE ME MOM

 **margarita** : fuck hearing I can't even SEE over Thomas’ fucking afro

 **macaroninfrance** : my bad lemme put it into a ponytail

 **g.wash** : NO.

 **intenseninsane** : ABSOLUTELY NOT.

 **macaroninfrance** : ????

 **gaytortoise** : u look like Laf with your hair back

 **macaroninfrance** : oh ew how fkcn gross

 **largebaguette** : how you say? lick every inch of the crack of my ass? u wish u looked this damn good?

 **intenseninsane** : ew Laf stop doing that gross back arch u aint fuckin

 **g.wash** : I need a glass of water.

 **dancingdoll** : can y'all stop fucking typing some of us are ACTUALLY WATCHING THE MOVIE

 **daughtersnhorses** : guys… Peggy fell asleep in my lap… she's so cute…

 **intenseninsane** : AWWWW IM TAKIN A PIC

 **g.wash** : There are spare bedrooms upstairs, Hercules. Just find one to sleep in.

 **daughtersnhorses** : … there are only 8 rooms & 3 of those are for James, Martha & Adri

 **daughtersnhorses** : & then all the other couples and stuff…

 **sigh:** PS thanks guys for letting me bring Theo along she doesn't have many friends

 **g.wash** : So?

 **slimthicc** : did u just expose me Ronnie honestly wtf

 **gaytortoise** : OMG

 **gaytortoise** : HERC IS BLUSHING FURIOUSLY

 **dungoofed** : u mean to tell me

 **dungoofed** : u two haven't slept in the same bed together before

 **daughtersnhorses** : no we're afraid we'll be too tempted & Peggy wants to wait until marriage

 **largebaguette** : I'll pull the couch out into a bed but can we PLEASE watch the movie its getting to my favorite part!

 **g.wash** : Laf’s favorite part is when the grandma appears as a manatee for those who are wondering

 **washingdone** : SPOILERS

 **slimthicc** : I had literally never seen this movie before thx

 **largebaguette** : HOW?!?! THIS IS MY 50TH TIME

 **daughtersnhorses** : he's not lying he's watched it & RENT every weekend ever since they came out

 **slimthicc** : my little sister is a fan of the older Disney movies and I don't watch movies unless w/ her so

 **dancingdoll** : next person to send a message in this GC will get my entire bowl of Cheez-Its dumped on them watch the DAMN movie

 **largebaguette:** Read, 8:32 PM √

 **largebaguette** : ADRIENNE I JUST WASHED MY HAIR FOR THE WEEK WTF

 _Time Skip_ — Following Morning ••

 **dungoofed** : there is something so sweet about how domestic it is that Laf, John, Eliza, Theo & Peggy are making breakfast together

 **dungoofed** : its cute

 **daughtersnhorses** : aww Peggy looks so smol in my sweater look at her

 **shadenlibertea** : holy shit I could get used to waking up to my wife fix me a plate of pancakes

 **intenseninsane** : I'm sorry your what

 **shadenlibertea** : I…

 **shadenlibertea** : gotta dash

 **shadenlibertea** _has left the chat  
_**dungoofed** __has added_ _**shadenlibertea** __to the chat__

 **dungoofed** : NO GET BACK HERE

 **dungoofed** : u wanna marry Eliza?

 **shadenlibertea** : one day… maybe… yeah

 **shadenlibertea** : I think about her and us and our future so much but I'm just tryna go at her pace

 **shadenlibertea** : can someone steal her phone & delete this tho? her password is 6739

 **g.wash** : Does that spell ‘mrey’? Mine is 4523. It spells ‘glaf’.

 **shadenlibertea** : huh I never spelled it out to notice

 **dungoofed** : mine spells ‘tort’. John picked it for me.

 **intenseninsane** : mine is literally just my birth year wtf y'all?

 **intenseninsane** : nasty ass over affectionate pos

 **macaroninfrance:** she's lying it spells Jeff

******macaroninfrance** **** _is now blocked from sending messages to_ ******intenseninsane** ** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay confession: I haven't actually decided if I want Burr & Theo to be best friends or to date. So... can y'all tell me in the comments?


	13. *x-files theme song*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RIP John Laurens' sanity ????-2017.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** margarita — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
****Adrienne de Noailles:** ** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

  **largebaguette** : guise im so gay

 **gaytortoise** : SAME

 **sickofurshit** : AYEAYEAYE

 **largebaguette** : really is that all?? we are the only homosexuals??

 **gaytortoise** : everyone else is bi or pan or aro or ace or straight so ye

 **largebaguette** : oh

 **largebaguette** : WELL ANYWAYS

 **largebaguette** : wow.jpg

 **gaytortoise** : omg is that george washington shirtless

 **largebaguette** : oui

 **largebaguette** : AND HE’S BAKING HE IS B A K I N G

 **g.wash** : Well, I was bored and unlike someone, I know how to take a break from work.

 **dungoofed** : DRAG ME SIR

 **dungoofed** : TAKE MY EDGES

 **dancingdoll** : IS HE MAKING THE MUFFINS™

 **largebaguette** : OUIOUI

 **dancingdoll** : IM OMW TO GEORGE'S RIGHT NEOW

 **daughtersnhorses** : nya Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ

 **dungoofed** : LET IT DIE

 **daughtersnhorses** : s-senpai… i would never let you die senpai uwu

 **dungoofed** : THIS IS BIPHOBIA

 **gaytortoise** : GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **cinnamonroll** : John no they will not encourage this please stop

 **intenseninsane** : omfg JOHN STOP

 **gaytortoise** : IM JS

 **gaytortoise** : we've never seen Peggy & Maria in the same room

 **gaytortoise** : coincidence? I think not

 **cinnamonroll** : john I am NOT dating my sister STOP

 **washingdone** : u literally have??? at the sleepover???

 **gaytortoise** : or was that memory beamed into our mind by the aliens?

 **gaytortoise** : IJSIJSIJS

 **dungoofed** : omg Jack what is WRONG honey

 **daughtersnhorses** : are we witnessing John’s break in sanity

 **daughtersnhorses** : TOLD U IF HE DATED ALEX HE WOULDNT BE SANE FOR LONG LAF U OWE ME $20

 **largebaguette** : GODDAMMIT

 **dancingdoll** : *sweats*

 **cinnamonroll** : Adrienne???

 **cinnamonroll** : Adrienne o NO WHAT DID U DO

 **sickofurshit** : *SWEATS*

 **intenseninsane** : JAMES U 2 OMG JAMES

 **macaroninfrance** : …

 **macaroninfrance** : *sweats?*

 **dungoofed** : WILL SOMEONE PLS EXPLAIN

 **dancingdoll** : OK so

 **dancingdoll** : a little context: we were hella stoned

 **dancingdoll** : and I pointed out that Peggy & Maria look similar

 **sickofurshit** : which is true the only difference is that Maria cut her hair

 **macaroninfrance** : I didn't encourage this line of thinking but I didn't NOT encourage it, ya feel?

 **sickofurshit** : so we came up with a conspiracy theory

 **cinnamonroll** : THAT MY SISTER AND MY GIRLFRIEND ARE THE SAME PERSON?!?!?!?!

 **shadenlibertea** : shit me we've been sniffed out

 **margarita** : yeah me lets blow this town

 **intenseninsane** : do N O T encourage this shit u two

 **gaytortoise** : HMMMMMM.

 **gaytortoise** : HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

 **dungoofed** : ya know, now that I think of it

 **dungoofed** : Laf & Thomas… Herc & James…

 **gaytortoise** : THE PLOT THICKENS

 **largebaguette** : oh non I am nothing like that pretentious asshole

 **macaroninfrance** : OH SUCK MY TOE LAF

 **largebaguette** : ew

 **sickofurshit** : excuse u Herc & and I dO NOT

 **daughtersnhorses** : Jemmy is 5’2 & chubby??? I am 6’3 and nothing but PURE MUSCLE???

 **sickofurshit** : excuse u did u have to mention the chubby fact

 **daughtersnhorses** : yeah ur like a cute lil raccoon

 **sickofurshit** : shit u rite

 **cinnamonroll** : I'm changing the subject now before y'all make me vomit ok

 **cinnamonroll** : someones birthday is comin up

 **margarita** _has left the chat  
_**intenseninsane** _has added_ **margarita** _to the chat_

 **intenseninsane** : oh no no no last year you ran away from home before we could celebrate we're celebrating this year

 **largebaguette** : im sorry she did what

 **cinnamonroll** : the night before her birthday she ran away and stayed gone until the day after

 **dungoofed** : why don't u like your birthday?

 **margarita** : its stupid??? like what the fuck???? its always over dramatic and filled with dad's rich friends and their snobby asshole kids that act like 12 so I just don't celebrate

 **dancingdoll** : Peggy is SO mature GUISE put RESPEK ON HER NAME

 **gaytortoise** : hey Alex & I have mortal kombat. we can get some Dominos pizza and some lemon cake and spend the night destroying each other in mortal kombat, pegs

 **margarita** : …

 **daughtersnhorses** : please?

 **margarita** : ok

 **largebaguette** : NO ONE PLAY ADRIENNE IN MKX

 **dancingdoll** : NO NO NO PLS DO

 **macaroninfrance** : she'll obliterate u she's the best player I know

 **intenseninsane** : then u must not know me

 **cinnamonroll** : ANGIE IS A BEAST

 **margarita** : she once flawless victoried me within 10 seconds of the match

 **daughtersnhorses** : YO IWAS THERE

 **daughtersnhorses** : Peggy's rage quit is so cute

 **margarita** : k fuck u

 **daughtersnhorses** : ;);););););)

 **daughtersnhorses** _is now blocked from sending messages to_ **margarita**

 **largebaguette** : cmon pegs

 **largebaguette** : let him back

 **daughtersnhorses** _has been unblocked from sending messages to_ **margarita**

 **dancingdoll** : yo I kinda wanna battle Angelica

 **intenseninsane** : pls don't kid yourself into thinking you're on my level

 **dancingdoll** : oh it's like that?

 **intenseninsane** : yeah I don't fool around I'm not your little schoolyard friends

 **dancingdoll** : I'll see u on the dueling ground

 **dancingdoll** : that is unless u wanna get online and go now

 **sigh** : yeah ok but not to interrupt this heated exchange but Theo had a realization and she wants to share

 **slimthicc** : thanks Ronnie

 **slimthicc** : yo so Hercules & Hercules from the movie right

 **slimthicc** : And Peggy's full name is Margarite

 **slimthicc** : sometimes people call people with a ‘Marg’ beginning name get nicknamed “Meg”

 **sigh** : Hercules & Peggy are the real life Hercules & Megara

 **margarita** : I—

 **largebaguette** : THAT IS SO CUTE MON DIEU

 **macaroninfrance** : AWWWWW I STAN LEGENDS

 **cinnamonroll** : RT THOMAS RTRTRT

 **intenseninsane** : she's blushing so hard this is so cute my little pegster

 **g.wash** : That is adorable.

 **daughtersnhorses** : have I ever told y'all how much i hate u

 **daughtersnhorses** : like deadass so much

 **dancingdoll** : hush Hunkules u love us

 ** **washingdone** : **I WAS TIPSY LET IT DIE


	14. HAPPY BIRTHDAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't actually know when the fuck Peggy's birthday is and I'm too lazy to google it.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler** : poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
****Adrienne de Noailles** : **dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher

* * *

  **Private Messages — jack, lexi**

 **jack** : yo Alex where are you with the snacks & shit? they're arriving

 **lexi** : u wouldn't guess who I just saw at the grocery store

 **jack** : ???

 **lexi** : James Reynolds.

 **jack** : … fuck. Don't tell Maria. We'll tell the RevSet but not her

 **lexi** : o shit my bad

 **jack** : GAHDAMNIT ALEX

**Group Chat — RevSet™**

**nonstop** _has added_ **m.rey  
**m.rey** **_has changed her name to_ ****saynotothis****

 **lancelot** : Maria are you okay?

 **saynotothis** : yes he knows to stay away from me so I'm fine but…

 **saynotothis** : can this stay between us? I don't want Eliza to worry

 **tailor** : ofcofc absolutely

 **threepints** : hey it'll be okay

 **saynotothis** : I know it will, thanks John :)

 **Group Chat — Hamilsquad  
**cinnamonroll** **_has changed the group chat name to_ ****Poogle’s Day****

 **margarita** : who tf is Poogle

 **cinnamonroll** : AUTOCORRECT SORRY

 **dungoofed** : no leave it

 **margarita** : this is already starting off so great

 **margarita** _has changed her name to_ **poogle**

 **largebaguette** : all hail poogle

 **daughtersnhorses** : all hail poogle

 **gaytortoise** : all hail poogle

 **dungoofed** : all hail poogle

 **dancingdoll** : ALL H A I L

 **g.wash** : What is this?

 **washingdone** : I have an headache ALREADY

 **sickofurshit** : ALL HAIL POOGLE

 **macaroninfrance** : ALL H A I L

 **washingdone** : Stop

 **g.wash** : I am confused?

 **sigh** : H A I L

 **intenseninsane** : A L L H A I L

 **cinnamonroll** : B O W F O R P O O G L E

 **washingdone** : PLS STOP THIS

 **shadenlibertea** : A L L H A I L P O O G L E

 **g.wash** : All hail Poogle.

 **washingdone** : GEORGE NOT U TOO

 **dungoofed** : john us Martha

 **gaytortoise** : sounds kinky

 **gaytortoise** : john us Martha

 **cinnamonroll** : john us

 **largebaguette** : john us

 **dancingdoll** : john us john us

 **sickofurshit** : john us

 **poogle** : john our cult Martha john us

 **macaroninfrance** : JOHN US

 **sigh** : *violently ‘johns us’*

 **slimthicc** : *slamming hands on the table* JOHNUSJOHNUSJOHNUSJOHNUSJOHNUSJOHNUS

 **washingdone** : …

 **washingdone** : all hail poogle

 **slimthicc** : AYEYEYAYEEYA

 **sigh** : Theo wtf was that babe

 **macaroninfrance** : BAEBE

 **sickofurshit** : SPITS

 **intenseninsane** : OOOH AARON

 **sigh** : ALL HAIL POOGLE ALL HAIL POOGLE

 **macaroninfrance** : nah u ain't getting out of this one

 **poogle** : excuse u it is Poogle’s day

 **macaroninfrance** : shit u rite

 **gaytortoise** : SPEAKING OF

 **gaytortoise** : PEGGY UR CAKE

 **dungoofed** : cake time already?

 **gaytortoise** : NO SOMEONE TOOK A HUGE SLICE

 **daughtersnhorses** : *sweats*

 **gaytortoise** : HERC.

 **largebaguette** : GODDAMNIT HERCULES

 **poogle** : Oh I knew this would happen there's an extra cake in the oven

 **cinnamonroll** : my sister shouldn't have to come in clutch on her own birthday HERCULES

 **dancingdoll** : he's not paying attention he's getting more cake

 **poogle** : yo John come join Laf, Jeff & Maria and me in the upstairs bathroom on the right

 **gaytortoise** : omw

 **g.wash** : Whats happening?

 **largebaguette** : u gotta be in the club george ;)

 **g.wash** : What club?

 **shadenlibertea** : can't tell u you're not in the club

 **g.wash** : That makes no sense.

 **gaytortoise** : only makes sense to club members bro sorry

 **dungoofed** : TGE WEDS IN TBIS HOUSE

 **largebaguette** : well there goes that high

 **macaroninfrance** : nah fuck that we're finishing this bowl

 **washingdone** : I KNEW IT SMELY NASTY

 **poogle** : Smely Nasty

 **poogle** _has changed the group chat name to_ **Smely Nasty**

 **intenseninsane** : WHO IS PROVIDING MY SISTER WITH DRUGS

 **macaroninfrance** : *looks @ Laf*

 **shadenlibertea** : sorry Laf I ain't gonna die by Angelicas fury

 **gaytortoise** : wow Laf how dare u provide a minor with weed

 **poogle** : he says as he passes me the pipe

 **largebaguette** : Peggy and I are only a year apart now John wtf

 **intenseninsane** : Marie Paul Yves-Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette

 **slimthicc** : wow she didn't even copy & paste that

 **largebaguette** : GOTTA DASH

 **intenseninsane** : IM ABOUT TO KICK SOME FRENCH ASS

 **cinnamonroll** : TEAR THIS DUDE APART ANGEL

 **dancingdoll** : lmfao gotta catch him first

 **shadenlibertea** : && good luck with that — even in heels, Laf is hella fast

 **sigh** : whoa what the fuck was that BIG ASS BLUR that just sped past me into the yard?

 **macaroninfrance** : that would be my cousin

 **intenseninsane** : I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S SO FAST WTF?

 **largebaguette** : it's sonic up in this bitch

 **dancingdoll** : Laf is a gay crossdressing black man that grew up in the racist homophobic part of France AND took track & cross country

 **dancingdoll** : he's got experience running Angelica u can't catch him sorry

 **dancingdoll** : what u can catch is these hands in mortal kombat

 **poogle** : Y'ALL ARE DOING IT NOW

 **dancingdoll** : as soon as Madison finishes whooping Hamiltons ass

 **intenseninsane** : cmon HAMMAN you're letting us down

 **gaytortoise** : YO HAM IS GETTING OBLITERATED

 **washingdone** : LOOK AT MADISON'S CONCENTRATED FACE HOLY FUCK IM SCARED

 **macaroninfrance** : oh yeah if you're battling Mads don't let him pick Mileena. He fucks it up with Mileena.

 **dancingdoll** : ANGELICA R U THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING

 **intenseninsane** : MADISON YOU'VE GOT TO GET IN ON THIS FEUD

 **gaytortoise** : HOW IS HE STILL WHOOPING ALEX'S ASS WITH ONE HAND HO L Y

 **sickofurshit** : sure I'm down to battle you guys

 **cinnamonroll** : ALEXANDER WHAT TGE FUCK

 **largebaguette** : oh it doesn't look anyone will be battling anyone

 **g.wash** : Alexander.

 **washingdone** : WHAT A FUCKING RAGE QUIT

 **gaytortoise** : ALEX WHYY THE FUCK DID U BREAK OUR CONTROLLER IN HALF

 **dungoofed** : if I can't win no one else can

 ******poogle** : ****this is the best birthday ever


	15. dolley payne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "She just finger gunned. She just finger gunned my fucking girlfriend."

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
****Theodosia Bartow:** ** slimthicc — Psychology Student

* * *

  **sickofurshit** _has added_ **d.pay** _to the group chat_

 **sickofurshit** : tell them what u did right now I want other people to shame u

 **sigh** : omg hi Dolley long time no see

 **d.pay** : hey hoe

 **d.pay** : also I literally saw u thirty minutes ago aaron you fucking garbage hyena

 **d.pay** : what is this NASTY ASS username

 **d.pay** _has changed her username to_ **lavieenrose**

 **intenseninsane** : what did she do?

 **dungoofed** : G A R B A G E H Y E N A

 **slimthicc** : omg I'm still cackling

 **lavieenrose** : I met Theo & Burr & Jemmy for a lunch date and I forgot how hecking cute Theo is and I

 **sigh** : she finger gunned she just fucking finger gunned at my girlfriend I

 **gaytortoise** : wait no this reminds me

 **gaytortoise** : _@dungoofed_ remember when I first met u and u got all flustered and I said hi and you screamed “THIS IS BIPHOBIA” and ran

 **intenseninsane** : are we sharing awkward first meeting stories because *rubs hands together*

 **macaroninfrance** _has left the group chat  
_**intenseninsane** _has added_ **macaroninfrance** _to the group chat_

 **intenseninsane** : get back here and face ur humiliation

 **macaroninfrance** : DISCLAIMER: I WAS 18 AND STILL LEARNING

 **intenseninsane** : he smacked my ass and told me an ass like that didn't belong in jeans so baggy and when I slapped him he fell on the floor dramatically and cried in the middle of the hallway

 **intenseninsane** : until like our Sophomore year of college, he'd always leave when I entered the room out of fear

 **macaroninfrance** : I got a headache for 2 days after that encounter btw

 **intenseninsane** : good

 **largebaguette** : OH MON DIEU

 **largebaguette** : Georgey remember

 **g.wash** : Gilbert, please.

 **largebaguette** : it was back when I was dancing when we met and some of George’s coworkers accidentally came to the Club on the night when the men were dancing

 **largebaguette** : and when trying to tip me, George's hands got stuck in my fishnets and he pulled me off the stage

 **dungoofed** : UM U TWO SAID U MET WHEN I INTRODUCED GEORGE AT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

 **g.wash** : I didn't want to embarrass you, son.

 **dungoofed** : IM NOTCHA SON

 **cinnamonroll** : I dont think a first meeting gets more awkward than walking in on them fucking your boyfriend

 **shadenlibertea** : u fuck someones boyfriend ONE TIME and you NEVER LIVE IT DOWN

 **intenseninsane** : WHY SHOULD U

 **dancingdoll** : oh you don't Eliza?

 **dancingdoll** : *grins @ gaytortoise*

 **gaytortoise** : MY PATIENTS ARE CALLING ME GOTTA DASH

 **dancingdoll** : bring that ass here boi

 **dancingdoll** : when Laf first introduced me to the RevSet John didn't think I was with him and he knocked me over on rollerskates screaming “MOVE STRAIGHTS GAY COMING THROUGH”

 **gaytortoise** : I

 **daughtersnhorses** : all of this is child's play

 **daughtersnhorses** : sit the fuck down and listen the fuck up bitches and bastards

 **largebaguette** : YAY DADDY HERC IS GIVING STORYTIME

 **dungoofed** : Daddy Hunk (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **largebaguette** : OH HON HON HON (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **daughtersnhorses** : LET

 **daughtersnhorses** : IT

 **daughtersnhorses** : DIE

 **daughtersnhorses** : anyways poogle, when she first met me got really red in the face and when I asked what was wrong she screamed, at the top of her lungs,

 **intenseninsane** : “I DONT NEED UR DIRTY DICK FUCKN DICK NASTY ASS MAN PENI DICK DIRTY GET THAT AWAY FROM ME U DIRTY BOI”

 **poogle** _has left the group chat  
_**dungoofed** _has added_ **poogle** _to the group chat_

 **poogle** : HAMILTON

 **poogle** : I DONT NEED UR DIRTY DICK FUCKN DICK NASTY ASS MAN PENI DICK DIRTY GET THAT AWAY FROM ME U DIRTY BOI

 **poogle** _has left the group chat_

 **lavieenrose** : *finger gunz*

 **intenseninsane** _has added_ **poogle** _back to the chat_

 **intenseninsane** : I understand u dont need my dirty dick but what's everyone doing for Halloween???

 **largebaguette** : George and I will be Batman & Catwoman!

 **dancingdoll** : AWWW REALLY CAUSE MARTHA & I ARE HARLEY QUINN AND POISON IVY

 **largebaguette** : WE HAVE TO DOUBLE DATE TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY ITS A MUST TBH

 **washingdone** : but we’re not together…?

 **g.wash** : Shh, Martha. He said what he said.

 **intenseninsane** : well I was gonna be a Powerpuff Girl with my sisters but now I wanna do DC /Marvel

 **cinnamonroll** : NO WE HAVE TO BE THE POWERPUFF GIRLS I JUST COMMISSIONED HERC FOR OUR COSTUMES

 **intenseninsane** : fine :/

 **peggy** : I can't wait to be Buttercup and kick some ASS

 **dungoofed** : Jack, Burr, Hercules and I are going as Teen Titans. Hercules is Cyborg, Burr is Beast Boy, I'm Starfire and Jack is Robin.

 **gaytortoise** : issa gonna be lit

 **largebaguette** : YOURE GONNA BE STARFIRE BUT

 **largebaguette** : STARFIRE IS LIKE 6'8 AND U ARE LIKE 4'2

 **dungoofed** : shUT THE F u cK LAF

 **macaroninfrance** : I'm gonna be the Professor!

 **sickofurshit** : I'm gonna be at home

 **largebaguette** : GASP

 **dancingdoll** : G A S P

 **cinnamonroll** : GASP

 **largebaguette** : That won't do!

 **lavieenrose** : he's lying to you. I'm gonna be Dorothy, he's gonna be the TinMan and Theo is gonna be the Good Witch.

 **cinnamonroll** : Maria…?

 **shadenlibertea** : you're doing the thing with your sisters so I figured I'd just be the Wicked Witch with Dolley & stuff

 **intenseninsane** : wow we’re all gonna look so fucking good

 **dungoofed** : bitch i always look good

 ******gaytortoise** : ****shit u rite

 **cinnamonroll** : I still think Maria & I had the awkwardest meeting

 **largebaguette** : let it go mon amie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: that whole "THIS IS BIPHOBIA" thing actually happened to be irl and every day I lie awake & hate myself for it
> 
> also: notice how Theodosia is in the UN list? YEA THATS RIGHT KIDS SHE'S STICKIN AROUND


	16. who fckn knows anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly what the title says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listen to Hamilton Soundtrack and got all inspired so have more of this trash

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
****Theodosia Bartow:** ** slimthicc — Psychology Student

* * *

  **gaytortoise** : can someone come contain alexander

**cinnamonroll** : that's ur job now

**gaytortoise** : since when did my job become babysitting

**gaytortoise** : oh my god

**gaytortoise** : that's exactly my job

**cinnamonroll** : it’s the job of anyone dating the Troll™

**shadenlibertea** : rly good luck my dude my guy my bro fam

**gaytortoise** : :/

**daughtersnhorses** : what is he doing?

**gaytortoise** : fightin

**largebaguette** : he is always fighting tho, is he not?

**gaytortoise** : yeah but this time is hella loud

**gaytortoise** : I went to the bathroom and I can still hear him yelling at Jefferson and the bathroom is three hallways away from the office they're in

**g.wash** : the office in my home. I have acquired hella headaches

**largebaguette** : omg baby u used slang

**cinnamonroll** : I am here for George Washington saying “hella” it is my second reason to live now

**shadenlibertea** : what's the first

**cinnamonroll** : u & my sisters <3

**poogle** : those are 2 different reasons tho

**shadenlibertea** : shhhh let her be cute

**daughtersnhorses** : wait y'all why is Alex yellin at Jefferson

**gaytortoise** : why does Alexander do anything he does

**daughtersnhorses** : o tru

**cinnamonroll** : send him this — :( @ Alex from Eliza

**gaytortoise** : k

**dungoofed** : DAMN. RIP ME.

**cinnamonroll** : one more and you get a :’(

**macaroninfrance** : thANK YOU ELIZA HE WAS YELLING AT ME BC I WORE A MAGENTA SUIT TO MR. WASHINGTONS HOME AND HE DIDN'T LIKE IT

**dungoofed** : You look like shit no joke and our fucking county judge shouldn't have to look at your ugly purple suit, you fucking grape.

**macaroninfrance** : firstly, its magenta get it right u fucking kiwi. secondly, says u, the one wearing sweatpants and an old JROTC sweater

**dungoofed** : First of all, how dare you

**intenseninsane** : read him for filth lmfao

**shadenlibertea** : hey we haven't dragged Alex in this group chat yet

**poogle** : drag?! I heard the word drag who are we fucking roasting I'm in it

**dungoofed** _has left the group chat  
_**gaytortoise** _added_ **dungoofed** _to the group chat_

**gaytortoise** : guys b nice

**poogle** : ITS ALEX

**poogle** : BRING THAT HEADASS HERE BOI

**dungoofed** _has left the group chat  
_**gaytortoise** _has added_ **dungoofed** _to the group chat_

**gaytortoise** : poogle no pls

**dungoofed** : I'm sensitive

**dungoofed** : GROUP CHAT MOM PROTECT ME

**washingdone** : poogle be fckn nice u fckn hear me

**poogle** : this is so gay :/

**gaytortoise** : u kno it (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**cinnamonroll** : um this is plagiarism??? list me as your source you piece of shit

**intenseninsane** : guys Peggy still plays Pokémom Go pass it on

**poogle** : UM??????? BETRAYAL I TOLD U THAT IN CONFIDENCE

**sigh** : wait really?? there's a lure by the cafe that Alex always gets his quadruple shot espressos from. I caught I fucking rattata

**slimthicc** : fun fact: he names all his rattata’s ‘gratatta’

**sigh** : wow fucking drag my life & soul

**dungoofed** : OMG BURR

**dungoofed** : THATS SO EMBARASSING FOR LIKE

**dungoofed** : your life and soul

**shadenlibertea** : so… we're skimming over ‘quadruple shot espressos’

**shadenlibertea** : how do u not see satan crawl from beneath the carpet and lick ur kneecaps

**dungoofed** : talent bitch

**poogle** : yo Laf you speak creole right?

**largebaguette** : yes my mother taught me why

**poogle** : How do I ask someone on a coffee date?

**intenseninsane** : _@daughtersnhorses_?!?!?! EXPLAIN

**daughtersnhorses** : nah listen its cool i will also be on this coffee date we will be on this coffee date as a t h r e e s o m e

**intenseninsane** : o thank god

**largebaguette:** “Èske ou ta renmen ale nan yon dat kafe?”

**poogle** : THX

**cinnamonroll** : wait who is she asking out?

**daughtersnhorses** : … Elizabeth Sanders.

**sigh** : THE Elizabeth Sanders? Her dad is LOADED.

**gaytortoise** : yeah he sells engagement rings to celebrities or some shit right?

**slimthicc** : THAT'S MY BEST FRIEND

**slimthicc** : LIZZY MCBEAN that's what I call her Lizzy McBean

**dancingdoll** : you are so cute

**slimthicc** : thx <3

**slimthicc** : wait she's fluent in English why do u have to ask in Creole

**cinnamonroll** : why does she have the same name as me I don't l i k e

**daughtersnhorses** : romantic gesture & shhh Eliza

**daughtersnhorses** _has added_ **e.san  
**e.san** **_has changed her username to_ ****elizaBABE****

**cinnamonroll** : I'm uncomfortable

**elizaBABE** : Hercules, Peggy! I would love to go on a date with you both <3 I thought youd never ask but please stop absolutely //butchering// my language

**poogle** : LAF.

**largebaguette** : “Èske ou ta renmen ale nan yon dat kafe?” is correct idk what she's talking about

**elizaBABE** : it is but the way Peggy said it… yikes™

**elizaBABE** : where are my manners? I'm Elizabeth.

**cinnamonroll** : so am I

**elizaBABE** : her sister! how lovely it is finally to meet you

**cinnamonroll** : finally???

**elizaBABE** : she talks about you so much!!! you and Angelica of course

**lavieenrose** : wtf am I still doing here

**lavieenrose** _has left the group chat_

**sickofurshit** : That was Dolley. If she finger guns you, she thinks you're cute.

**sickofurshit** : I'm James Madison.

**sigh** : I'm Aaron, but call me Burr.

**elizaBABE** : as in ‘Burr its cold’?

**slimthicc** : *whispers softly* dont

**elizaBABE** : THEO!!!! AHHHHHH!

**slimthicc** : HEY BABY GIRL <3

**shadenlibertea** : im Maria, Eliza's girlfriend

**dancingdoll** : I'm Adrienne! Laf’s long lost lover

**largebaguette** : shut your fuck ew

**dancingdoll** : just kidding I'm his ///adopted/// sister

**largebaguette** : I'm Laf! I've seen you around school! When I actually go lmfao

**largebaguette** : _@g.wash_ is working but that's my boyfriend  <3

**macaroninfrance** : out of my way piece of shit peasants I'm Thomas

**washingdone** : gross (btw im Martha Wash) 

**elizaBABE** : holy fuck Thomas Jefferson?!?!?!???!?

**macaroninfrance** : wait you actually know me

**elizaBABE** : YOU FUCKING FUCK STICK IM GONNA FUCKING STRANGLE U

**macaroninfrance** : WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN SO OFTEN

******dungoofed** : ** ** I LOVE HER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you actually speak haitain creole or French Im sorry if I butchered im using fucking google translate


	17. sircle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm running out of ideas to put in these Chapter Summary thingies so here have a joke:
> 
> A horse walks into the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey, why the long face?"
> 
> The horse says, "I'm here to shut your bar down for Safety Code Violations."
> 
> The bartender snorts and asks, "Then why the hell are you sad?"
> 
> And with the tired eyes, the horse replies, "Because I've been drinking here for the past six months."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Elizabeth isn't an OC. Elizabeth Sanders was Hercules Mulligan's wife and I feel like she deserves to be in this story so.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
****Theodosia Bartow:**** slimthicc — Psychology Student

* * *

  **largebaguette** : I know have known English for 3 years and I still

 **largebaguette** : I STILL am pissed that circle doesn't start with ‘s’

 **dungoofed** : I can't believe ///I'm/// saying this but

 **dungoofed** : Laf its 3AM

 **largebaguette** : not in France it isn't

 **dancingdoll** : WHEN THE FUCK DID U GO BACK TO FRANCE

 **largebaguette** : I took George to the summer house in Auvergne <3

 **dancingdoll** : W HE N?!?!?!

 **g.wash** : Last night.

 **daughtersnhorses** : and you didn't think to… idk… TELL SOMEONE

 **largebaguette** : non

 **g.wash** : It was a spur of the moment thing for Thanksgiving Break

 **shadenlibertea** : only rich people can SPUR OF THE MOMENT leave the fucking COUNTRY

 **dancingdoll** : I cant believe for the first time in like 18 years, Laf & I will be spending Thanksgiving apart

 **largebaguette** : sorry Adri <3

 **gaytortoise** : GO.

 **gaytortoise** : THE.

 **gaytortoise** : FUCK.

 **gaytortoise** : TO.

 **gaytortoise** : SLEEP.

 _Time Skip_ — Following Afternoon

 **shadenlibertea** : can we talk about thanksgiving break plans now

 **gaytortoise** : yes you may

 **shadenlibertea** : Im js I can't wait to bother Mr. Schuyler with my & Herc’s bullshittery

 **daughtersnhorses** : RTRTRT

 **elizaBABE** : I'm so excited to be spending Thanksgiving with your family, Pegs!!! Thanks for inviting me!

 **poogle** : Thomas is gonna be there, I needed two someones awesomes to balance out his ew

 **elizaBABE** : I

 **daughtersnhorses** : PEGGY PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS AND STOP MAKING HER BLUSH

 **poogle** : *finger gunz*

 **macaroninfrance** : honestly I'm just gonna stay home

 **intenseninsane** : like shit you are

 **intenseninsane** : dad would throw a FIT if you stayed home he's been pestering me about meeting you for WEEKS

 **cinnamonroll** : I will be uncomfortable with two Lizzy’s under one roof

 **elizaBABE** : if it makes u feel better you can call me Beth

 **macaroninfrance** : oh well then, hi, beth. hopefully we'll be able to get along this week :)

 **elizaBABE** : eat dirt & die trash :)

 **dungoofed** : I love her so much PEGGY & HERC KEEP HER

 **gaytortoise** : did you just use a fkcn GOLDEN GIRLS QUOTE

 **macaroninfrance** : I don't have to stand for this

 **elizaBABE** : oh but you'll lay down for it

 **macaroninfrance** : let it go it was SIXTH GRADE

 **elizaBABE** : THE ONLY THING IM LETTING GO IS YOUR HAND WHEN YOU'RE HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF A CLIFF

 **daughtersnhorses** : what the fuck is going on

 **gaytortoise** : Anyways, Alex & I are going back to South Carolina

 **washingdone** : isn't your dad homophobic?

 **gaytortoise** : ever since Martha brought home her poly girlfriends, he's kind of just given up on having straight kids

 **dungoofed** : not to mention when I kicked him into a punch bowl during spring break after he called John a f*g

 **sigh:** Well, Dolley, Theo, James  & I are staying behind here. James doesn't wanna go to Ireland without Hercules and Theo's family disowned her when she broke up with her rich British boyfriend and Dolley goes everywhere James goes so

 **sigh:** we'll be here

 **largebaguette** : can someone please tell George to stop playing BTS

 **sickofurshit** : WHAT

 **sickofurshit** : KPOP BTS?!?!?!?!

 **largebaguette** : oh mon dieu

 **sigh** : good luck hearing the end of it

 **g.wash** : You too listen to BTS, Mr. Madison?! This is lovely news!

 **sickofurshit** : A.R.M.Y UNITE <3

 **largebaguette** : this why I'm wine mom

 **cinnamonroll** : HOLY SSLIT GUYS

 **shadenlibertea** : ELIZA NO

 **cinnamonroll** : WE WERE BUYING SNACKS AT THE STORE AND

 **cinnamonroll** : for the road trip

 **cinnamonroll** : AND GUESS WHO THE FUKC WE SAW

 **shadenlibertea** : honestly its not a big deal

 ****cinnamonroll** : ** James flucn Reynolds


	18. james reynolds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get a glimpse of the Walking TrashCan that is James Reynolds™. RIP.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so remember when I said there were like only 3 of age people in this story
> 
> im changing that bc in the future there will be more marriages and babies and all that shit and they gotta be adult and shit so here are their ages:
> 
> Alexander Hamilton: 24  
> Aaron Burr: 26  
> John Laurens: 25  
> Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette: 20  
> Hercules Mulligan: 26  
> Angelica Schuyler: 30  
> Elizabeth Schuyler: 25  
> Margarite Schuyler: 19  
> George Washington: 45  
> Martha Washington: 45  
> Maria Reynolds: 23  
> James Madison: 26  
> Thomas Jefferson: 29  
> Adrienne de Noailles: 21  
> Theodosia Bartow: 20  
> Elizabeth Sanders: 25

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
****Adrienne de Noailles** : **dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher **  
**Theodosia Bartow:** ** slimthicc — Psychology Student ****  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  **a.ham** _has made a group chat  
_**a.ham** _has named the group chat_ **Maria Protection Squad  
**a.ham** **_has added_ ****g.laf** , **h.mull** , **j.laur** , **e.schuy** , **m.schuy** **_and_ ****a.burr****

 **a.ham** : gang all here?

 **g.laf** : everyone except the really important one

 **a.ham** : bet

 **a.ham** _has added_ **j.rey**

 **j.rey** : what the fuck is this

 **e.schuy** : this is your formal warning

 **j.rey** : ???

 **g.laf** : you remember me, Alex, John & Herc right

 **g.laf** : or rather, you remember our fists?

 **j.rey** : oh shit

 **a.ham** : that's right.

 **h.mull** : you so much as DREAM about getting back into Maria’s life

 **m.schuy** : we will DESTROY you

 **e.schuy** : what Laf, Alex, Jack & Herc did was CHILDS PLAY compared to what we'll do to you

 **a.ham** : are we clear?

 **j.rey** : Crystal. I'll stay away.

 **h.mull** : good.

**Private Messages — rihrih, jamie**

**jamie** : your ““““friends”””” just fucking threatened me

 **rihrih** : why are you surprised

 **jamie** : tell them to back the fuck off or face the consequences, Maria

 **jamie** : I know where you work

 **jamie** : and I know where Susan lives

**Group Chat — Smely Nasty**

**washingdone** : why won't you all let me live down my mistakes

 **slimthicc** : you're so perfect that the rare times you make any must be captured 5ever

 **gaytortoise** : sorry to offend but how come its ok to succ tiddies but not succ dick

 **dancingdoll** : how is this offensive omg

 **gaytortoise** : end #succshame promote #SUCCess

 **poogle** _has changed the group chat name to_ **#stopsuccshame**

 **elizaBABE** : U WERE IN CHARGE OF TAKING AWAY HER MEME ACCESS HERC

 **daughtersnhorses** : I'm sorry I got distracted by Peggy's moms cooking

 **daughtersnhorses** : like YUM FUCKING MY

 **largebaguette** : I read that as “yum fucking my” and was like “yum fucking my what?”

 **largebaguette** : I need to go back to sleep

 **g.wash** : Please, do. Your bed is freezing.

 **largebaguette** : oh there's an electric blanket

 **g.wash** : I don't want an electric blanket, I want you.

 **largebaguette** : S P R I N T I N G

 **cinnamonroll** : so has anyone in this group chat ever heard of the private messages function or…

 **dungoofed** : Eliza didn't u accidentally sext the group chat last week

 **intenseninsane** : don't remind me

 **shadenlibertea** : I dunno guys I don't think “hey Maria wanna fckn frick frack *finger guns*” counts as sexting

 **cinnamonroll** : I GOT CHAMPAGNE WASTED OKAY

 **poogle** : our lil lightweight

 **dungoofed** : yo I'm gonna fucking fight

 **gaytortoise** : Alex no

 **dungoofed** : Alex yESs

 **gaytortoise** : A L E X A N D E R

 **sigh** : what's going on?

 **gaytortoise** : y'all know Marie Antoinette?

 **sickofurshit** : Laf’s old beard that purposefully outed him when he wouldn't go to prom with her?

 **gaytortoise** : That would be the one.

 **gaytortoise** : she's visiting family here in SC and Alex is getting angry about it all over again

 **dungoofed** : THAT FUCKING BITCH

 **dungoofed** : I OUGHTTA PUNT HER

 **slimthicc** : l-like… like a football…

 **largebaguette** : Marie! I miss her!

 **largebaguette** : I'm going to text her.

 **g.wash** : No, you're not. Not now, at least.

 **largebaguette** : I'm not gonna text her now goodbye :)

 **cinnamonroll** : yo John how is it going in SC anyways

 **gaytortoise** : so far Dads only made one homophobic comment, and Mom keeps feeding Alexander bc he's “far too skinny” and complaining about my tattoos

 **gaytortoise** : Martha’s girlfriend, the really tall one,likes to lift Alex in the air like Simba

 **intenseninsane** : OMFG

 **macaroninfrance** : whY DID WE NEVER THINK OF THAT

 **daughtersnhorses** : THAT'S SO CUTE

 **dungoofed** : I A m No T THt mUC h S ho RTe r tHA n u St o P

 **cinnamonroll** : a smol bean

 **dungoofed** : ELIZA IM TALLER THAN U CEASE THIS BEHAVIOR

 **cinnamonroll** : a smol bean™

 **poogle** : well @ the Schuyler residence, mom is obsessed with Bethy, so that's good news

 **elizaBABE** : she likes me <3

 **macaroninfrance** : she doesn't like me:/

 **intenseninsane** : babe u insulted her choice of decor for her parlor and then complained when she didn't have white wine

 **elizaBABE** : I honestly don't blame her I wouldn't like you either ThomASS

 **elizaBABE** : o wait

 **elizaBABE** : I don't

 **poogle** : god I love my gf <3

 **macaroninfrance** : are u ever gonna let it go

 **elizaBABE** : fuck u

 **macaroninfrance** : so that's a strong no?

 **elizaBABE** : casse-toi

 **largebaguette** : um THAT'S COPYRIGHTED k thx

 **macaroninfrance** : how come no one is defending my honor against this fucking S T R A N GE R

 **washingdone** : probably bc she's right

 **shadenlibertea** : yeah I dunno what happened but u prolly fucked up real bad

 **sickofurshit** : rt

 **slimthicc** : rt

 **sigh** : rt

 **largebaguette** : rt

 **dancingdoll** : rt

 **intenseninsane** : rt

 **macaroninfrance** : aNgElIcA? WTHA TEH FKUC

 **intenseninsane** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **elizaBABE** : NOICE

 **elizaBABE** : *finger gunz*


	19. children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow???? They actually have kids??? And are functioning adults??? Shook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm going to start a posting schedule so that I don't overwhelm you guys with posts and then go on hiatus for 8 months.
> 
> My new RENT inspired fiction, 'time & its gentle reprieve' will be posted every Monday at 1830 Mountain Time (after I post the first chapter tonight).
> 
> This story will be posted Wednesdays, Saturdays and Sundays at 1700 Mountain time (starting after I post this chapter right now). Its like 0000 here, on Sunday, so I figured I'd update now and also today at 1700 before I start the new schedule.
> 
> The A-Z series will be posted whenever I have muse for it/can post it. Sometimes I may post three in a day and it may go abandoned for months at a time, it depends on my inspiration.
> 
> Also, for my fellow washette shippers: I WILL be doing Washette Week (if you're curious about what it is, if you want more information or if you would like to add your own material to the week you can find them on tumblr under 'washette week'), which is starting Nov. 5. I have to motivate my ass, but I'll do it. At least one of the prompts, I owe it to my gay lil Frenchman.
> 
> Okay, that's all. Have fun reading this fckn trash.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
****Theodosia Bartow:** ** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
****Elizabeth Sanders:** ** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  **dancingdoll** : I'm so sad :(

 **daughtersnhorses** : yeah like this is the worst thing that has happened in the history of things

 **largebaguette** : you're being overdramatic mon amies

 **dancingdoll** : we're never gonna see you again :( :( :(

 **largebaguette** : that’s a lie

 **dungoofed** : what's going on

 **g.wash** : Gilbert is moving in with me, and Hercules and Adrienne don't like it.

 **gaytortoise** : lmfao Laf you're such a hypocrite when I moved in with Alex you threw a temper tantrum and replaced me with Adri

 **largebaguette** : THAT WAS DIFFERENT

 **gaytortoise** : HOE

 **gaytortoise** : I meant how but hoe will work too

 **largebaguette** : BC U LEFT ME AND I'M ACTUALLY IMPORTANT

 **dungoofed** : ouch

 **dancingdoll** : ouch

 **daughtersnhorses** : ouch

 **shadenlibertea** : wait Laf now that you're moving can I have my fishnets back

 **cinnamonroll** : yes

 **g.wash** : No.

 **cinnamonroll** : Ex cUSe?

 **g.wash** : He looks really good in them.

 **cinnamonroll** : tHeN BUY HIM SOME

 **poogle** : wait Maria shares clothes with u Laf

 **poogle** : I'm her actual fucking doppelganger and I asked to borrow one of her crop tops and she laughed in my face

 **shadenlibertea** : *jumps out the window*

 **largebaguette** : it is because… and don't be offended here… Maria and I dress like walking sex

 **cinnamonroll** : TRU

 **g.wash** : Very true.

 **largebaguette** : and you are… how you say… like 4?

 **dungoofed** : GET REKT

 **gaytortoise** : LAFAYETTE WAS THAT FUCKING S H A D E

 **daughtersnhorses** : ouch

 **poogle** : I'M ONLY A YEAR YOUNGER THAN U WHAT THE SHIT

 **shadenlibertea** : its not your style Pegs

 **shadenlibertea** : stick to Hercs sweaters, skinny jeans and hot topic mk

 **poogle** : I swear to fUCKINg

 **slimthicc** : AYE-AYE-RON CAN I TELL THEM

 **sigh** : bye

 **slimthicc** : GET BACK HERE AYE-AYE-RON

 **slimthicc** : GUYS GUESS WHAT

 **sigh** : Theo pls… they're gonna freak out

 **slimthicc** : AARON AND I ARE HAVING A CHILD

 **dungoofed** : s PiT s

 **gaytortoise** : IM SORRY WHAT

 **largebaguette** : ADRIENNE

 **largebaguette** : GEORGES CAN HAVE A PLAYMATE

 **dancingdoll** : Laf we've talked about this my son is staying where he is

**Private Messages — laffy, adri**

**laffy** : he's not your son yanno. hes mine.

 **laffy** : he deserves to know who his fucking father is

 **adri** : you want me to rip him away from the only  family he knows

 **laffy** : he's 4… its not like he'll remember them

 **adri** : John & Martha are taking care of him

 **adri** : besides you only want to be in your sons life because you've got George and Martha to pawn him off on

 **laffy** : you know what? fuck you

**Group Chat — #endsuccshame**

**sickofurshit** : isn't this moving a lil fast guys?

 **slimthicc** : biscuit.jpg

 **slimthicc** : what, why would you say that?

 **intenseninsane** : ITS A FUCKING CAT

 **largebaguette** : I GOT SO EXCITED GODAMMNIT THEODOSIA

 **slimthicc** : YOU GUYS THOUGHT I WAS ACTUALLY PREGNANT IM SPITTING

 **poogle** : I think my soul left my fucking body

 **cinnamonroll** : I HAD A FUCKING STROKE DONT FKCIN

**Private Messages — ronnie, dosia**

**dosia** : don't worry… I won't tell your friends until you're ready, Aaron.

 **ronnie** : they'll kick my ass when they find out I got you pregnant so soon

 **dosia** : shh we'll cross that bridge when you're ready

**Group Chat — #endsuccshame**

**gaytortoise** : YO LIL PIP AND BISCUIT CAN HAVE PLAYDATES

 **cinnamonroll** : AWWWWW YIS

 **dungoofed** : MY BODY IS READY

 **shadenlibertea** : YES YES YES IM HERE FOR BISCUIT & PIP BEIN BEST PALS

 **slimthicc** : BISCUIT AND I ARE S P R I N T I N G TO THE LAURENS/HAMILTON RESIDENCE

 **sigh** : Biscuit is makin cute little mewing noises and Theodosia is just quietly sobbing they are so pure

 **elizaBABE** : WHATS UP BISHES

 **sickofurshit** : o dear god

 **macaroninfrance** : YOYOYOYO DADDY JEFFY IN THE HOUSE

 **daughtersnhorses** : so as I was saying, if you could like end my fucking existence

 **elizaBABE** : SHHHH HERC U HUNK OF A MAN

 **elizaBABE** : HA

 **elizaBABE** : HERC = HUNK

 **elizaBABE** : HUNKULES

 **washingdone** : its like whenever I think can tolerate you people, shit like this happens

 **dancingdoll** : WHAT IS HA PPENING

 **macaroninfrance** : lmfao beth and I just got HELLA CRUNK on box wine that's what's happening

 **elizaBABE** : *finger gubs*

 **elizaBABE** : GUBS

 **macaroninfrance** : LMFAO IMMA SHOOT U WITH MY GUB

 **elizaBABE** : “how did he die?” “death by finger gubs”

 **poogle** : well look on the bright side

 **intenseninsane** : ??? what bright side this is hell

 **poogle** : at least they dont hate each other anymore

 **elizaBABE** : O SHIT THATS RITE

 **elizaBABE** : I HATE U TOMMY BOI

 **macaroninfrance** : #wounded #rip #ouch #savemysoil

 **gaytortoise** : HIS SOIL

 **gaytortoise** : SKGSLSJDJDK DRUNK!THOMAS IS MY FAVORITE THING

****dungoofed** ** _has changed the group chat name to_ ****#savethesoil2k17** **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before u think I completely disregarded Laf & Adri’s sexualities & sibling relationship and kill me: Georges was a product of drunken sexual confusion Lafayette experienced with a girl. When the girl had the baby, Laf gave the baby to Adrienne to claim as her own and Adrienne left him with their cousin John Barker Church okay


	20. charles lee

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds** : shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
****Theodosia Bartow:** ** slimthicc — Psychology Student **  
****Elizabeth Sanders:** **** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  **macaroninfrance** : GUISE

**macaroninfrance** : IM SCREAMING SKSJSKSKSK

**gaytortoise** : what the fuck its one in the morning Thomas

**macaroninfrance** : yes and I'm sorry but yOU WOULDNT BELIEVE WHO JAMES IS FLIRTING WITH

**gaytortoise** : IM SUDDENLY V V V AWAKE WHO IS MY FELLOW GAY™ FLIRTING WITH

**macaroninfrance** : guess

**gaytortoise** : just fucking tell me you fucking headass before I go back to hating you

**macaroninfrance** : OKOKOK

**macaroninfrance** : CHARLES HECKIN LEE

**dungoofed** : WHAT

**dungoofed** : NO ME DIGA

**macaroninfrance** : ITS TRU ITS TRU

**gaytortoise** : imma kill that sick little fucker

**daughtersnhorses** : UM I THINK THE FUCK NOT U TRICK ASS BITCH

**daughtersnhorses** _has added_ **c.lee** _to the group chat_

**daughtersnhorses** : we know what we know lee

**c.lee** : wtf who are you people

**c.lee** : wait is _@gaytortoise_ John Laurens??? the dude that punched me in the dick on the last day of high school?

**gaytortoise** : YEA BITCH ITS ME U GOT BEEF

**c.lee** : YEAH I GOT BEEF

**c.lee** : wait pause this exchange

**gaytortoise** : k take your time

**c.lee** _has changed his username to_ **ayyelmao**

**ayyelmao** : OK YEAH I GOT BEEF U GOT BEEF

**gaytortoise** : YEAH I GOT BEEF

**ayyelmao** : WELL IM A FUCKIN VEGETARIAN AND I AINT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

**sickofurshit** : oh my fucking god I want to die

**ayyelmao** : wait… James?

**sickofurshit** : yes hi Charles

**ayyelmao** : … hi

**macaroninfrance** : THEYRE BOTH BLUSHING I SGJSKSHRK IM A STAN

**dungoofed** : I SHIP IT

**macaroninfrance** : RTRTRTRTRT

**sickofurshit** : calm down guys we're just chatting

**ayyelmao** : yeah guys

**gaytortoise** : I'm not ur fucking guy, ok guy

**ayyelmao** : then I'm not UR fucking guy, guy

**gaytortoise** : U WANNA FUCKN BOX

**ayyelmao** : LETS FKCN GO M8

**gaytortoise** : ALRIGHT M8 LETS GO THEN

**washingdone** : The only GO y'all need to be doing is ‘-ING THE FUCK TO SLEEP’

**gaytortoise** : shit u rite

**gaytortoise** : this isn't over Lee

**ayyelmao** : not until your mom sings

**sickofurshit** : hello yes 911 I've witnessed a fucking murder come quick

**macaroninfrance** : THAT WAS A MEDIOCRE UR MOM JOKE CMON JAMES

**dungoofed** : omg james you've roasted better in your SLEEP

**washingdone** : SPEAKING OF SLEEP

**Private Messages — laffy, adri**

**adri:** I've been thinking…  
_Read at 5:45 AM √_

**adri:** what I said was out of line Laf I know and I also know that you deserve to have the chance to be a father  
_Read at 5:50 AM √_

**adri** : you were young when you had Georges and I shouldn't hold your young mistakes against you because you were just as scared as she was

**adri** : I just want what's best for my son

**laffy** : and you think I don't? but I also know that IM what's best for my son

**laffy** : let me try being a father please Adrienne

**laffy:** let me make it up to him

**adri:** I do miss him…

**laffy:** so…?

**adri** : I'll see if John can get on the next flight from London to bring him back

**Group Chat — #savethesoil2017**

**intenseninsane** : wait Charles Lee is fucking James?

**ayyelmao** : im sorry WHAT

**poogle** : omg omg angelica

**intenseninsane** : IS THAT NOT WHATS GOING ON

**cinnamonroll** : NO ANGELICA JAMES WAS JUST FLIRTING

**ayyelmao** : I M S O R R Y W H A T

**gaytortoise** : omg guys this is so bad

**ayyelmao** : he was flirting?!?!?!?! WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?

**ayyelmao** : omgomgomg

**sickofurshit** : RIP chances u were gone too soon

**slimthicc** : I think i might be sleep deprived but

**slimthicc** : Charles Lee? More like Charles Pee amirite

**gaytortoise** : u rite

**sigh** : I asked her I asked her not to share that stupid fucking joke with the stupid fucking group chat I asked so nicely Theo what the fuck

**slimthicc** : Aaron Burr? More like Aaron Burrn amirite bc OUCH

**sigh** : gr8 now she's crying into Biscuits fur I SWEAR

**elizaBABE** : she's been crying a lot more lately…

**elizaBABE** : maybe being in Thomas’ presence so much is starting to wear on her mental health

**macaroninfrance** : WHAT THE FUCK WE BONDED OVER BOX WINE

**elizaBABE** : correction: I used you for box wine

**macaroninfrance** : WOW WTF THIS IS WHY I HAVE TRUST ISSUES

**daughtersnhorses** : the things Beth will do for boxed wine I stfg why not just BUY it

**elizaBABE** : I can't destroy Thomas’ self-esteem and trust by just BUYING wine babe

**poogle** : MY WIFE IS SUCH A SAVAGE

**elizaBABE** : I GET IT FROM MY WIFE

**cinnamonroll** : im sorry whAt

**daughtersnhorses** : that's just what they call each other calm down

**macaroninfrance** : can we get back to the Schuyler sisters accidentally exposing James

**sickofurshit** : no I like this topic better

**ayyelmao** : wait James were u flirting with me tho

**sickofurshit** : …

**sickofurshit** : *jumps out a window*

**ayyelmao** : 50th story window amirite

**sickofurshit** : u rite

**largebaguette** : jesus fucking christ do u two need a fucking hug

**ayyelmao** : wait arent you Washington's boyfriend now?

**largebaguette** : oui oui why

**ayyelmao** : its just ur hot and he's just… not…

**largebaguette** : FIRST OF ALL

**g.wash** : It’s fine, Gilbert. Charles is just mad because he lost his internship with me after fucking up a very crucial case.

**largebaguette** : OOP

**slimthicc** : YIKES™

**gaytortoise** : DRAG HIM GWASH

**macaroninfrance** : IM QUAKING THAT WAS SUCH A READ

**poogle** : LIKE A FUCKING CHILDREN'S BOOK HNGJNNGNN

**dancingdoll** : HE'S LEARNING SO WELL OMGOMG

**dungoofed** : omg Charles this is so embarrassing for your life and your soul

**ayyelmao** : gahdamn ive been fucking roasted by an old man

**ayyelmao** : time to end it all lol

**sickofurshit** : awww dont leave me here alone

**ayyelmao** : oh well

**ayyelmao** : I'll stay for you…

**sigh** : MADISONS BURYING HIS FACE IN HIS SWEATER AND FUCKING GI  G G LING

**sickofurshit** : shit expose me Aaron

**dungoofed:** yo guys wait didn’t Laf  & Lee sleep together

**largebaguette:** GOTTA DASH

**ayyelmao:** yikes Alex thx for the reminder

**sickofurshit:** honestly im not even mad id fuck laf too

**gaytortoise:** hella rts

**daughtersnhorses:** if i had to pick a guy? definite rt

**sigh:** lmao same

**intenseninsane:** is there anyone here who WOULDN'T if given the chance?

**dancingdoll:** *raises hand*

**macaroninfrance:** *raises hand*

**intenseninsane:** that isn’t related to him

**slimthicc:** no i think we all agree that Laf is very fuckable material

**washingdone:** tru tru tru

**ayyelmao:** AYYYE LMAO

**dungoofed:** permission to name Laf the most fuckable in the group chat?

**g.wash:** granted

**largebaguette:** oh im blushing

**cinnamonroll** : this praise of laf disgustingly cute and slightly nasty & all but

********cinnamonroll** : ****** has anyone seen maria?


	21. weddings, babies & sin o my!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Reynolds is a dick, shotgun weddings and YOU GET A BABY, YOU GET A BABY, EVERYONE GETS A BABY.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this piece of shit story actually… gaining… plot…? holee shit.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
****Elizabeth Sanders:** ** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  **slimthicc:** GUYS I FOUND MARIA

**slimthicc:** or well, she found me  & Beth

**cinnamonroll:** WAIT SERIOUSLY WHERE IS SHE

**slimthicc:** she just showed up at my house, and right now she’s in the bathroom. she’s got a black eye and a busted lip but she otherwise looks alright. she asked me not to invite anyone over just yet, she wants to talk with me bc she knows i don’t know you guys well enough to tell you everything.

**slimthicc:** she’s right, but I owed Laf a favor so

**largebaguette:** thx mon amie

**cinnamonroll:** take care of her please please please i love her so much i don’t want her to be hurt

**dungoofed:** im gonna kill James with my bare hands

**largebaguette:** you’ll have to beat me to it

**g.wash:** No. It’ll just muddle the waters of Maria’s case.

**sigh:** case, sir?

**g.wash:** Eliza, you’re going to report an assault to the police. The case will travel up to Aaron, seeing as he specializes in Special Victims. If all goes well, you’ll get me for a judge and I’ll convict this piece of shit. Put him behind bars.

**largebaguette:** anyone else a lil turned on by georgey taking charge???

**sickofurshit:** not to defend James but how can we be so sure it was him

**sickofurshit:** anyone could’ve done this and we can’t start making plans without all the facts

**cinnamonroll:** James do I look like BooBoo the fucking Fool?! We all know who did it!

**sickofurshit:** i’m just saying, if this wasn’t James and we convict him of this, we’ll be putting an innocent man behind bars and can we really live with ourselves if we do that

**macaroninfrance:** he’s far from “““innocent””” james, please

**sickofurshit:** you’re right, but i mean in THIS specific situation

**sickofurshit:** i know you guys are mad—i am too. maria has shown me a kindness and understanding that most can’t fathom and i want justice for her as much as anyone

**sickofurshit:** but we need the facts first and foremost

**elizaBABE:** James is right. We can’t go around pointing fingers willy nilly until we know for sure who did this. You want the person who hurt Maria behind bars? You can’t do anything or say anything that might tamper with your credibility. Besides, we don’t even know what ///Maria/// wants to do. If she doesn’t wish to pursue charges, can we really betray her trust by doing so anyways?

**cinnamonroll:** i hate that you’re right

**elizaBABE:** us Elizabeth’s are smart girls

**intenseninsane:** so what do we do Miss Know-It-All? Let him get away with it?

**elizaBABE:** well, its really all on Maria. give her time to sort out her thoughts  & figure out what ///she/// wants. then we can move forward with whatever her wishes are

**shadenlibertea:** the only wish I have is to see James Reynolds behind bars

**shadenlibertea:** and to have my baby with me

_Time Skip_ — The Next Day

**cinnamonroll** : so i love being a mom? wtf susan is just the sweetest, cutest baby why didn’t i know about her before this

**intenseninsane** : I've never seen eliza so happy which is saying something because she's a literal ball of sunshine

**shadenlibertea** : and i love watching you be a mom

**shadenlibertea** : because up until now, i thought if she wasn’t with me James couldn’t get to her

**shadenlibertea** : i thought wrong but i’ve learned my lesson to keep my child close

**largebaguette** : so did I, which is why my son is coming to America! maybe he and susan can play! how old is she?

**shadenlibertea** : 3.

**largebaguette** : my georges is 4 and the chubbiest little beb

**shadenlibertea:** so is Susan! and it's like she’s always hungry!

**g.wash** : You have a son, Gilbert? I thought you have always been gay?

**largebaguette** : it's ah… it's a long story that involves a path of self-destruction and sexual confusion but Adrienne’s son that she mentions? he's not hers, he’s actually mine

**dancingdoll** : i’m his adopted mother, and our cousin John Church has guardianship but Lafayette is apparently ///finally/// ready to be a dad

**largebaguette** : you can’t see me but i'm sticking my tongue out at you

**washingdone:** you don’t have to explain anything to us u two. Jacky will love a little brother—he’s been pestering George about it for //years//

**largebaguette:** have I ever told you how much i loved you, Martha?

**poogle** : YAY THERE ARE SO MANY BABIES I CAN BE AN AUNT TO

**elizaBABE** : RTRTRT I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SUSAN IS OLDER SHE’LL BE SO SASSY

**gaytortoise** : susan and georges and little baby theo i can’t wait to be an uncle to all these smol children I'M GOING TO TEACH THEM ABOUT SO MANY LIL ANIMALS AND SHIT

**elizaBABE** : im sorry little baby who

**sigh** : FUCKING JAWN

**slimthicc** : RIP John Laurens, Gone Too Soon

**gaytortoise** : oops?

**dungoofed** : u done goofed boi

**elizaBABE** : whY THE FUCK DID JOHN KNOW BEFORE ME IM UR ACTUAL FUCKIN BEST FRIEND WOW IM SHOOKETH

**Group Chat — The Schuyler Sisters**

**angelica** : eliza, i have a question

**eliza** : yes, Ang?

**angelica** : are you sure you’re ready for this? you’re only 25, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you and i don’t want you wasting it trying to parent a child out of sympathy

**peggy** : angelica thats a little cold dontcha think

**eliza** : it is but i understand

**eliza** : i love her, ang. so much. and im already a teacher, i already know how to deal with babies. and you said it yourself: you've never seen me so happy. maria & susan are my world now, and i'm not """wasting""" anything

**eliza** : i have always wanted to be a mother. its why i became a teacher, its why i took all those babysitting jobs in high school… and if i can be a mother with the literal love of my life im not passing up on that opportunity

**angelica** : okay, Liza. as long as you are happy, sis <3

**peggy** : you know what i just remembered?

**Group Chat — #endsuccshame**

**poogle** : Y'ALL ANGELICA’S WEDDING

**gaytortoise** : lmfao Herc's southern speak is wearing off on u its cute

**poogle** : sHUT UR FUCK

**macaroninfrance** : only Angelica’s yikes

**cinnamonroll** : HOW HAVE WE ALL FORGOTTEN

**dungoofed** : WE DUN GOOFED BOI

**elizaBABE** : theo we’ll come back to you not telling ME ur actual BEST FUCKING FRIEND that you were pregnant in a moment

**slimthicc** : k

**elizaBABE** : your sister is engaged?! to THOMAS JEFFERSON?!?!??!!

**elizaBABE** : _@intenseninsane_ honey no need to settle

**macaroninfrance** : can u say something nice about me for once

**elizaBABE** : something nice about me for once

**macaroninfrance** : i hope you choke on Hercs massive fucking dong and die

**daughtersnhorses** : whoa tommy a lil salty there bud?

**intenseninsane** : i mean my vows are written, thomas’ vows are written, we both have our suit & dress

**intenseninsane** : why not have it now?

**shadenlibertea** : this is an oddly good day considering what happened yesterday

**washingdone** : WE’RE DOING THE WEDDING? OMGOMGOMOMG I GOTTA GET READY

**daughtersnhorses** : YOYOYOYOYOYO LETS GET SOME PEOPLE MARRIED YO

**dungoofed** : I call dibs on being your priest

**intenseninsane** : you’re ordained?

**dungoofed** : i ran out of things to study when i was 19 leave me alone

**gaytortoise** : forgive me father for i have sinned and sorry daddy i’ve been bad are the same thing guys

**gaytortoise** : alex

**gaytortoise** : forgive me father for i have sinned

**dungoofed** : i am going to hang myself with your intestines babe im fuckn serious

**gaytortoise** : sorry daddy i’ve been bad

******dungoofed** : **** GODDAMNIT


	22. draggings of epic proportions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am actual shit at roasting so by proxy, they are shit at roasting. Here you go, tho.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler-Jefferson:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
****Elizabeth Sanders:** ** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  **intenseninsane** : so i investigated who put fireworks in Thomas’ cigarettes

 **macaroninfrance** : all i wanted to do was a have a spoke with my cousin to calm my nerves of being ACTUALLY FUCKING MARRIED

 **poogle** : and what does the evidence say, Angie?

 **intenseninsane** : well all evidence points to the fact that Alexander Hamilton is a fucking idiot

 **dungoofed** : how the FUCK did u figure it out i had beth help me cover everything

 **intenseninsane** : i didn’t you just gave yourself away

 **gaytortoise** : wow that’s my boyfriend

 **gaytortoise** : the alpha idiot™

 **cinnamonroll** _changed_ **dungoofed** _username to_ **alphaidiot**

 **alphaidiot** : this isn’t gonna be a thing

 **intenseninsane** : no your punishment is that username for at LEAST 24 hours

 **alphaidiot** : do i get a defense attorney

 **intenseninsane** : fine ok burr you’re his defense

 **sigh** : lock him up and throw away the key he is a guilty man and i can’t with good conscience defend him

 **alphaidiot** : INCOMPETENT BIASED DEFENSE

 **intenseninsane** : o well thats the only guy we’ve got

 **intenseninsane** : this is ur sentence alpha idiot™ mr. wash bang the gavel

 **g.wash** : Gavel has been banged.

 **intenseninsane** : court is adjourned

 **alphaidiot** : this is so unfair IT WAS ONE PRANK

 **cinnamonroll** : alexander did u forget the macaroni explosive

 **sickofurshit** : or that time you put nair in his shampoo

 **largebaguette** : or the laxative brownies

 **elizaBABE** : alexander is my hero omg

 **slimthicc** : yo seriously tho alex wtf is wrong with you

 **alphaidiot** : u want the list chronologically or alphabetically

 **ayyelmao** : same

 **alphaidiot** : ew why are you still here no wants you here

 **ayyelmao** : shit u rite

 **sickofurshit** : be nice omg

 **sickofurshit** : i want you here charles

 **ayyelmao** : DAMN

 **ayyelmao** : DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN

 **largebaguette** : lol he’s blushing

 **g.wash** : Lafayette? You are hanging out with Charles? After… your encounter?

 **washingdone** : uh oh here comes Jealous George™

 **largebaguette** : it is cute that you are possessive my love but don’t worry

 **largebaguette** : i was drunk & heartbroken that night and i would never touch charles sober

 **largebaguette** : never again, my george, unless you & tequila are involved

 **ayyelmao** : lmao ow ok

 **ayyelmao** : RIP self esteem gone but not forgotten

 **elizaBABE** : im crying charles you are a walking meme omg

 **ayyelmao** : u kno it *finger guns*

 **gaytortoise** : i have an hour long lunch who wants to take me to chipotle

 **largebaguette** : sorry charles i gotta go fill up on those thicc ass burritos

 **slimthicc** : those burritos ARE thicc as hell mmm i’m coming too i want chipotle now

 **cinnamonroll** : i luh chipotle… chipotle is muh life

 **cinnamonroll** : can’t go tho, i got to teach munchkins about our first president

 **g.wash** : …

 **g.wash** : ….

 **g.wash** : ….. *coughs*

 **g.wash** : Anyways, bring me some chipotle, babe?

 **largebaguette** : ofcofc

 **alphaidiot** : firstly fuck chipotle and its fake ass mexican food for disgracing half of my boyfriend's culture k

 **alphaidiot** : SECOND OF ALL WHAT THE FUCK IS A LUNCH

 **gaytortoise** : alex that meal that i usually try to make you take a break to eat around noon

 **alphaidiot** : idontknowher.gif

 **shadenlibertea** : god alex you are such a mess™

 **alphaidiot** : u kno it *finger guns*

 **ayyelmao** : yo wtf this is plagiarism

 **alphaidiot** : FIRSTLY DOLLEY STARTED THE FINGER GUNS THING SECONDLY ELIZA STARTED THE U KNO IT THING SO DON'T BRING YOUR UGLY ASS FUCKBOI ASS HALF SHAVE IN HERE TRYNA CLAIM SHIT U DONT OWN OKAY BITCH LIKE WTF YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE A SQUASHED FUCKING DIRTY ANUS FOH WITH THAT BULLSHIT DON'T COME FOR ME I WILL SNATCH YOUR EDGES AND WEAR THEM AS EXTENSIONS BITCH U DONT KNOW ME

 **largebaguette** : whT TH FCK WS THt

 **cinnamonroll** : yikes™

 **gaytortoise** : DRAG HIM BABY

 **slimthicc** : damn charles do you need a burn care unit u ok man

 **ayyelmao** : rip me

 **sickofurshit** : ALEX WHY THE FUCK

 **macaroninfrance** : omg charles this is so embarrassing for you

 **macaroninfrance** : completely obliterated by a literal mess™

 **poogle** : wow all this tension isn't good for the baby

 **intenseninsane** : WHAT BABY?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

 **poogle** : me lmfao

 **elizaBABE** : BITCHMETOOTHEFUCK.gif

 **g.wash** : alex come here and have a snickers

 **alphaidiot** : yes sir

 **sigh** : im crine

 **sigh** : did mr.washington just pull a ‘you’re not you when you’re hungry’

 **washingdone** : i leave you all alone for 5 MINUTES and Alex is DESTROYING LIVES

 **washingdone** : why the fuck do i have to be group chat mom to you heathens

 **cinnamonroll** : bc youre ex-military and you can say no to our cute lil faces

 **washingdone** : cute lil faces where?

 **gaytortoise** : SHIT EVERYONE IS GETTING DRAGGED TODAY

 **cinnamonroll** : yikes lemme just fall back

 **poogle** : Martha Washington just obliterated my sister. If I didn’t have a crying Susan in my lap, this would be the best day of my life.

 **macaroninfrance** : yes all 2 years of it

 **dancingdoll** : SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT

 **daughtersnhorses** : you all are so pathetic these ‘roasts’ are mediocre at best

 **largebaguette** : i mean we all obviously have low standards, herc

 **largebaguette** : we’re friends with you

 **dancingdoll** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAF DON'T DO IT TO HIM HENNY

 **intenseninsane** : hercules you can’t possibly come back for that you might as well change names and move towns tbh

 **ayyelmao** : ouch this softens my own roast

 **sickofurshit** : yikes™ fuck him up laf

 **g.wash:** Even I have to slow clap that one, Mr. Mulligan.

 **shadenlibertea** : does everyone need a nap? lmfao, a juice box some animal crackers goddamn

 **dancingdoll** : laf guess who just arrived?

 **dancingdoll** _has added_ **j.chur**

 **largebaguette** : MY SON IS HERE

 **j.chur** : hello to you too, cuz

**Group Chat — Washette²**

**marty** : shit shit shit you didnt warn me that John was cute?!?!?!

 **adri** : lol we didn’t think we needed to?

 **marty** : how old is he?

 **laffytaffy** : just turned 39

 ** **marty** : **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	23. o shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to put here so have another joke:
> 
> Q: What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices?
> 
> A: They’re always raisinet.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
****Elizabeth Sanders:**** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  **poogle** : *stares at my piles of internship forms*

**poogle** : *vague noises of fear*

**intenseninsane** : rip poogle gone but not forgotten

**poogle** : ANGIE HELP ME

**intenseninsane** : I'm in London on my honeymoon how the fuck am I supposed to help you

**poogle** : listen up macaroni fucker

**largebaguette** : that implies that Thomas is a macaroni

**macaroninfrance** : shit I think just came

**elizaBABE** : noodle headass

**intenseninsane** : i changed my mind I want a divorce

**macaroninfrance** : fine I'll just marry the mac

**macaroninfrance** : maybe the mac will let me do anal

**intenseninsane** : how do I delete someone else's life

**cinnamonroll** : OMG THOMAS I DIDN'T NEED TO H E A R

**slimthicc** : that wasn't very kawaii of u thomas

**poogle** : what the fuck that's my whole sister u ass

**sigh** : changing the subject can we talk about the conversation James & Charles are having

**sigh** : J - “choke me daddy” C - “oh you're into that?” J - “no I just really wanna fucking die” C - “same”

**sigh** : a match made in depressed hell

**slimthicc** : im! fine!

**washingdone** : I think its cute

**gaytortoise** : yeah its cute you know like nya~

**dungoofed** : JOHN.

**gaytortoise** : o((*^▽^*))o nya~

**dungoofed** : please for the love of god stop fucking doing that

**sickofurshit** : tag yourself I'm all the times John has purposefully annoyed Alex

**sickofurshit** : also stop talking about my relationship

**macaroninfrance** : I'm sorry your what

**ayyelmao** : GOTTA DASH

**gaytortoise** : listen up pal

**gaytortoise** : James is our smol sun son

**gaytortoise** : you break his heart?

**gaytortoise** : we’ll break all 206 of your bones + ur dick mk?

**ayyelmao** : mk

**washingdone** : “listen up pal”

**sickofurshit** : “smol sun son” I won't stand for my name disrespected & slandered like this

**poogle** : put some respek on his name my guy

**dungoofed** : this entire group chat is just us protecting james & maria isn't it

**elizaBABE** : sounds bout right

**daughtersnhorses** : yup

**cinnamonroll** : speakinOF

**cinnamonroll** : georges&susan.jpg

**sigh** : this is the cutest shit ever omg

**cinnamonroll** : and Laf & Maria are such good parents???? wtf they're just cooing over these lil babies and talking parents stuff and Maria is showing Laf how to make homemade healthy baby food and I love them so much

**sickofurshit** : this is pure this s o pure

**gaytortoise** : shit Alex lets get a baby

**dungoofed** : tell me when we will have time for said baby and I will MORE than happily oblige you

**gaytortoise** : :(

**macaroninfrance** : angie let's have a baby?

**intenseninsane** : you only want one because Alex can't have one absolutely not

**j.chur** : so you guys just don't shut up huh

**dancingdoll** : shhhh this is pure

**j.chur** : its just a question tbh

**washingdone** : um you have to change ur name

**j.chur** : me?

**dancingdoll** : yeah only g.wash can have his default username bc he's the group chat dad

**j.chur** : what should I change it to pray tell?

**dancingdoll** : takemetochurch

**j.chur** _has changed his username to_ **takemetochurch**

**dancingdoll** : NOICE

**washingdone** : so John

**gaytortoise** : ???

**washingdone** : not u

**gaytortoise** : y'all need to call me Jack then bc this will get ridiculous

**takemetochurch** : what's up?

**washingdone** : how long are you in america for

**takemetochurch** : few weeks. gonna catch up with my cousins, let little Gio get used to me not being around then I'll go back to my business

**washingdone** : oh well would you like to get coffee sometime?

**gaytortoise** : (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**dungoofed** : Martha and Johnny Boi, sitting in a tree

**washingdone** : k i l l i n g a l e x:)

**takemetochurch** : we can stop to get coffee on my way to meet Mr. Washington and baby proof the house

**washingdone** : sounds nice… just let me finish up with my last math class of the day

**cinnamonroll** : ah the smell of romance in the air

**ayyelmao** : guise hold on my friend wants to meet you all

**ayyelmao** _has added_ **g.king** _to the group chat  
_**g.king** _has changed his username to_ **kingohearts**

****kingohearts** : **hello Martha :)

**ayyelmao:** o shit here come dat boi


	24. compressed horse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> George King is a dick. Lafayette is gr9 at English.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo there's a few things I gotta talk to y'all around. Gather 'round.
> 
> 1) I KNOW that James Madison is aro and Aaron is asexual, yet James got a boyfriend and Aaron got Theo pregnant. I am aware. And none of you guys have mentioned that in the comments, which I'm grateful for. I just thought I should explain. I... am really into the LGBTQ community because I am apart of it. So I know that sexuality, like gender, is fluid. And I didn't want to stick to the whole general consensus of LGBT people. Lafayette, though a gay man, can flirt with women just as easily. Eliza, though bisexual, leans towards women more. And I know some asexual people will engage in sex with their partners if they love them, and I feel like Aaron loves Theo enough to do that for her--and it only takes one time kids, so wear a condom. And I know aro people can love romantically, but just differently????? And they can feel strong feelings towards one person??????????? Either way, this story is for fun. And fuck continuity anyways. If you as an aro or asexual person feel like your identity is being erased, pleeeeeeeeeease tell me. Charles Lee can go and so can the baby fuck the police. I just really like lil Theo ok I just... *inhale*. But yeah. Just my lil message of the day.
> 
> 2) the suicide shit. a lot of this story is my fuckin humor being forced onto my lil dead babies. and I joke about suicide (in the sense of myself, i'd never tell someone to take their own life or anything of that nature) all the time. this isn't me trying to romanticize it or encourage it or trivialize it. I just have a really fucked up sense of humor. But ask me to tone it down and I will. I really do read your comments and your opinions on this story are very important to me at the end of the day. Its some bullshit group chat fic, but anyone can be influenced by anything. So please lemme know if anything makes you feel uncomfortable.
> 
> 3) I know Im fuckin up. I owed you guys a chapter on Wednesday and I forgot and I just.... am a mess. And I set the alarm on my phone but was napping at the time so I dismissed it and... but you're getting FOUR chapters this weekend to make up for it. So... buckle up, kids.
> 
> Okay Im sorry that was long enjoy the chapter

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
 ** **Elizabeth Sanders:**** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

 

**sickofurshit** : Jason Momoa is canceled

**gaytortoise** : Aquaman? Why? 

**sickofurshit** : he made a rape joke like it was funny 

**macaroninfrance** : but you joke about //suicide// all the time

**sickofurshit** : first of all Thomas joking about taking my OWN life and joking about taking away someone's ability to consent to something are two separate things

**macaroninfrance** : shit u rite

**sickofurshit** : second of all who said I was joking

**largebaguette** : seriously James do you need a fucking hug 

**dungoofed** : GUYS OMGOMG THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING SOAP OPERA

**shadenlibertea** : James suicidal comments???

**dungoofed** : what?

**dungoofed** : no

**dungoofed** : MARTHA AND GEORGE KING

**kingohearts** : its hardly so alex sit down

**gaytortoise** : dont talk to him like that

**kingohearts** : I'll talk to him anyway I please 

**washingdone** : god you're such a dick

**shadenlibertea** : what the fuck is going on

**washingdone** : George & I were seeing each other but he, angry that George Washington had been so immersed in his new personal life that he'd forgotten to attend one of King’s events, and thus effectively no one showed up, sought revenge against Lafayette 

**washingdone** : so he had Samuel… well, you remember what happened

**largebaguette** : oh

**poogle** : omg are you okay, Laf? 

**largebaguette** : Je suis sur le point de porter une fureur sur vous qui sera sans égal à la colère que vous avez jamais connu.

**largebaguette** : VOUS PIÈCE DE SHIT! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! JE RIPERAIS VOS CHEVEUX STUPIDES À PARTIR DE SON SCALP GODDAMN ET POUSSEZ DANS VOTRE GORGE POUR ENLEVER VOS ENORME VOCALES! EST-CE QUE TU M'ÉCOUTES? I WILL END YOUR FUCKING EXISTENCE! NE BAISEZ PAS AVEC MOI, JE POURRAIS RUINER TOUTE VOTRE VIE!

**g.wash:** He’s typing extremely fast in French and muttering a bunch of English, French and Creole under his breath. What do I do?

**dancingdoll** : YAAAAAAS LAF FUCK UP THIS POMPOUS BRITISH DICK GO BEST FRIEND THAT’S MY BEST FRIEND THAT’S MY BEST FRIEND

**dancingdoll** : wait no you've got a son and responsibilities now

**daughtersnhorses** : BUT I DON'T

**daughtersnhorses** : LISTEN UP FUCKHEAD. YOU WALK AROUND AND CALL YOURSELF A KING? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST KING? BITCH GOT HIS HEAD SLICED OFF. YEAH. YOU DON’T WANNA FUCK WITH ME AND MY GOONS, ALRIGHT? WE’RE FUCKING CRAZY, YO, AND YOU’LL FORREAL GET YOUR WIG SPLIT FUCKIN WITH US. BETTER BACK DOWN, GEORGEY BOI, BEFORE I FUCKIN FLAME YOUR HEADASS

**kingohearts** : you're all blowing it out of proportion… the frenchman is fine, is he not? who cares if he got his widdle feelings hurt, i’m sure he ran crying to Daddy Georgey to kiss his booboos and make it all bwetter. 

**poogle** : ew lmfao you’re so fucking cringe just fucking go away

**slimthicc** : pardon my language but you pretentious piece of shit you need to be buried alive in the deepest hole possible

**takemetochurch** : do you know who i am you measly little rat? I will //destroy// you. I’m a multibillionaire, I could buy your entire fucking existence. Don’t fucking fuck with my family

**sickofurshit** : yanno  _ @elizaBABE _ knows how to get away with murder guys (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**washingdone** : Hey. (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**cinnamonroll** : hey (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**gaytortoise** : hey (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**elizaBABE** : hey (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**ayyelmao** : wait… Laf, Sam did that to //you//? They told me that he did it because some f*g was flirting with him & wouldn't go away I didn't know that you were who they were talking about nor did I know that's not what happened

**ayyelmao** : omg 

**ayyelmao** : what the FUCK have you done, King? 

**ayyelmao** : guys im so sorry for adding him in here i didn’t know that he was THAT much of an asshole i swear i didn’t

**sickofurshit** : its okay babe its okay

**kingohearts** : charles you’re a fag? Jesus christ, i thought you were somewhat cool. Its like they’re everywhere these days

**kingohearts** : whatever i just thought you should know, Mr. Church, that Martha is heterophobic 

**kingohearts** : and if you all are for such equality, you should be for the equality of straight white men too

**kingohearts** _has left the group chat_

**poogle** : that was by far the cringiest shit he's ever said and I've taken notes 

**intenseninsane** : I think second in ranking is “well so my mother didn't love me, what's that got to do with anything” 

**cinnamonroll** : “Is your name John cause I've never Cena girl like you” 

**gaytortoise** : “bibs arent just for babies”

**dungoofed** : “don't be a hating ass bitch boi”

**macaroninfrance** : wait no that was me

**elizaBABE** : why am I surprised something you've said ranks up there with cringey King quotes why the FUCK am I not surprised 

**shadenlibertea** : yo you never told us why you hate Thomas so much

**slimthicc** : here we go

**elizaBABE** : I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK

**elizaBABE** : in 6th grade, my sister had a crush on him and they dated for 3.5 days but then he kissed Martha Wayles-Skelton on the swingset and my sister came home crying 

**macaroninfrance** : she won't let it go

**elizaBABE** : SHE REALLY LIKED YOU YOU PIECE OF SHIT

**macaroninfrance** : I was TWELVE 

**largebaguette** : sorry to bother but what do you call the animal with the short legs

**largebaguette** : the one that looks like a compressed horse

**gaytortoise** : sNORTS 

**dungoofed** : you mean a pony?

**largebaguette** : YES. THAT'S THE WORD. I COULDN'T REMEMBER FOR THE LIFE OF ME.

**largebaguette** : yes Maria is cute & smol I am buying her and Susan and Eliza pony where do you purchase ponies

**elizaBABE** : up Thomas’ ass

**macaroninfrance** : LET IT GOOOOOOO LET IT GOOOOOOO 

**intenseninsane** : lmfao my husband the fucking frozen weeb

**gaytortoise** : you could probably find some at the dollar store

**largebaguette** : the dollar store? 

**gaytortoise** : yeah they have all sorts of plushies 

**dungoofed** : omg John

**dungoofed** : no he means an ACTUAL pony

**gaytortoise** : oh

**gaytortoise** : fucking rich people

**cinnamonroll** : John you are a rich people

**gaytortoise** : shut ur fuck

**poogle** : don't talk to my sister like that

**intenseninsane** : don't ever talk to me or my son or my sons son ever again 

**ayyelmao** : is there a problem

**gaytortoise** : o god not u 

**ayyelmao** : yes it me

**gaytortoise** : shut up charles

**ayyelmao** : ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VOUS PIÈCE DE SHIT! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! JE RIPERAIS VOS CHEVEUX STUPIDES À PARTIR DE SON SCALP GODDAMN ET POUSSEZ DANS VOTRE GORGE POUR ENLEVER VOS ENORME VOCALES! EST-CE QUE TU M'ÉCOUTES? I WILL END YOUR FUCKING EXISTENCE! NE BAISEZ PAS AVEC MOI, JE POURRAIS RUINER TOUTE VOTRE VIE! -- YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! I'LL RIP YOUR STUPID FUCKING HAIR FROM ITS GODDAMN SCALP AND PUNCH THROUGH YOUR THROAT TO REMOVE YOUR ANNOYING NASALLY FUCKING VOCAL CHORDS! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? I WILL END YOUR FUCKING EXISTENCE. DON'T FUCK WITH ME, I COULD RUIN YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE! 
> 
> Je suis sur le point de porter une fureur sur vous qui sera sans égal à la colère que vous avez jamais connu. -- I am about to bring a fury on you that will be unparalleled in the anger you have ever experienced.


	25. WHOOP WHOOP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James Reynolds getting what he deserves. WHOOP WHOOP.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington** : g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
 ** **Elizabeth Sanders:**** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

 

**shadenlibertea** : i’m nervous

**cinnamonroll** : there’s no need to be, Ria. we’re all out here, for any kind of support you need

**washingdone** : we’ll all be right here for you the entire time, no matter what

**sickofurshit** : yes and as long as you tell them everything that happened that night and every night before, you’ll never have to see his ugly face again

**sigh** : Hamilton and I will do everything in our power to make sure that James Reynolds rots behind bars, alright? He’ll never hurt you or Susan ever again

**shadenlibertea** : SUSAN?! WHERE IS SUSAN ELIZA WHERE IS OUR DAUGHTER

**cinnamonroll** : calm down, babe she’s with Peggy, Herc and Beth. remember? they’re gonna take her and Georges out for ice cream cones and to build-a-bear

**slimthicc** : yeah susan is safe. you know they’d never let anything bad come to them.

**g.wash** : Maria, as long as you tell me the whole truth, I promise that this won’t drag on. I’ll make sure that the jury sees all sides of the story, and I’ll make sure they come to a decision quickly and efficiently. I swear, I as a judge will do everything I can legally do to make sure they come to a guilty verdict.

**shadenlibertea** : thanks, mr washington. i’m so lucky to have you guys on my side 

**intenseninsane** : no, we’re lucky to have you in our lives. we love you, Maria and even if James doesn’t get convicted (which he will, no doubt) we will make sure that he never comes near you or susan ever again

**dungoofed** : alright guys. phones off. it’s starting.

**dancingdoll** : am i the only one who feels nauseous with suspense? i wish i could’ve been there :(

**macaroninfrance** : no, i do too. but she has who she wanted there. Eliza, Laf, James and Martha. plus, George, Burr and Alex. she’s got a good support system. 

**slimthicc** : doesn’t make me any less nervous tho.

**daughtersnhorses** : if they don’t convict, we’ll do everything we can to make sure james will have no reason to come near her

**elizaBABE** : yup. get his name taken off Susan’s birth certificate, get his rights stripped, get a restraining order, install alarms and security cameras on Eliza & Maria’s residence… they’ll be well protected 

**poogle** : i’m so worried for Eliza, too 

**poogle** : she’ll be devastated if they don't convict james because then that might mean she won’t get to adopt susan

**slimthicc** : well, lets hope for a conviction

_ Time Skip _ \- Four Hours Later

**sigh** : guys

**slimthicc** : well?

**sigh** : we got a conviction

**poogle** : seriously? that’s awesome!

**sigh** : honestly if it weren’t for Maria’ heartfelt testimony, he may have gotten off on fines. but with two counts of felony domestic violence, one count of attempted murder (due to the fact he used a knife when he attacked her before, we were able to tack that on) and four counts of misdemeanor domestic violence he’ll be serving 16 years behind bars

**g.wash** : Those were the maximum sentences I could offer without being accused of an unfair trial. 

**shadenlibertea** : thank you guys, so much. Burr, Hamilton, Mr. Washington… I can’t tell you what it means to me to have him locked away for good

**g.wash** : It was my pleasure.

**intenseninsane** : i say this calls for a celebration

**intenseninsane** : lets go out tonight!

**largebaguette** : I can’t… who will watch Georges?

**shadenlibertea** : same here

**intenseninsane** : already thought of that 

**intenseninsane** _added_ **j.schuy**

**intenseninsane** : remember that favor you owed me, Jerri?

**j.schuy** : oh lord

**intenseninsane** : can you watch our niece, Susan, and a friend of ours’ baby, Georges tonight?

**dungoofed** : I thought you said your father had no sons

**intenseinsane** : he doesn’t. Johnny died when he was little from leukemia, and Jerri isn’t a ‘he’. They’re nonbinary. 

**Group Chat -- The Schuyler Sisters**

**peggy** : shit i forgot Jerri was nb

**peggy** : how am I supposed to come out as nb without stealing their thunder

**eliza:** why don’t you talk to them about it

**angelica** : they’ll understand

**Group Chat -- #savehissoil2k17**

**largebaguette** : o

**j.schuy** : that’s all you want from me? Babysitting?

**intenseninsane** : yeah. if its okay with Maria & Laf, maybe you could take them down the street to play with James’ little siblings

**shadenlibertea** : i dunno… 

**intenseninsane** : james is behind bars. he can’t hurt you or lil Susie anymore

**gaytortoise** : yeah, one night off before you go back to parenthood

**sigh** : wait how is peggy supposed to get in she’s like 12

**j.schuy** : lmfao tru

**dungoofed** : first of all burr, fuck u - p

**dungoofed** : second of all, ever heard of a fake id ol man? - p

**gaytortoise** : why do you have my boyfriends phone

**dungoofed** : FUCK YOU THAT'S WHY - p

**dungoofed** : she's pregaming with me lol 

**elizaBABE** : o god drunk Peggy is a mess™

**poogle** : HEY SUCK MY ASS I AM NOT

**elizaBABE** : case & point

**poogle** : FUCK U

**elizaBABE** : when & where cutie ;)

**poogle** : !!!!!!!!

**dungoofed** : she's blushing and chugging vodka omg

**gaytortoise** : so Maria, are u in?

**shadenlibertea** : fiiiiiiine 

****gaytortoise:**** WHOOP WHOOP


	26. celebration time c'MON

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're drunk & a mess. Save our founding idiots, dear fucking god.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
****Elizabeth Sanders:** ** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  ** **intenseninsane** : **yo has anyone seen Alex or John? I can’t find either?

 **g.wash** : Huh. I can’t find Gil, either.

 **cinnamonroll** : Maria is missing too

 **poogle** : and Herc :(

 **dancingdoll** : omg omg GUYS

 **dancingdoll** : LOOK AT THE DANCE FLOOR

 **washingdone** : i’m sorry i think i'm hallucinating did the five of them start a fucking dance battle

 **elizaBABE** : omg… herc is doing his drunk crunk™ this is so embarassing

 **poogle** : i officially don't know him c’mon wifey lets go get wasted

 **largebaguette** : BAAAABY CHEEME DANMECE WHARTH ME

 **largebaguette** : fuck

 **largebaguette** : um VIENS DANSER AVEC MOI

 **g.wash** : sigh

 **sigh** : i cant help u now m8

 **dungoofed** : what the fuck does thatt first one even say

 **shadenlibertea** : YEAJ ELIZS COEM DANC E WITH ME

 **cinnamonroll** : i am bringing u water and that is all

 **daughtersnhorses** : LGMFAO LOOK AT PEGGY

 **daughtersnhorses** : THATS MY GIRLFRIEND GUYS I LOVE HER SO MUCH SHES SO GR8

 **washingdone** : ITS LIKE HERDING WILD SHEEP I STG

 **intenseninsane** : WHY IS MY LITTLE SISTER STANDING ON THE BAR CHUGGING A BOTTLE OF VODKA SOMEONE EX FUCKING PLAIN

 **dungoofed** : GO PEGGY GO

 **dungoofed** : wait lmfao she cant hear me

 **gaytortoise** : SOMEONE GET ME A KEG I WANNA KEGSTAND

 **macaroninfrance** : this is a NIGHTCLUB not a COLLEGE PARTY laurens wtf

 **gaytortoise** : I WANNA

 **sickofurshit** : i am so fucking glad charles and i stayed home and didnt deal with u heathens while drunk

 **ayyelmao** : yeah we’re cuddling, eatin popcorn and watching moana with aaron and theo

 **slimthicc** : i am SO UPSET i want to get drunk :(

 **sigh** : um while you’re carrying my child?

 **sigh** : ithinkthefucknotyoutrickassbitch.gif

 **g.wash** : I need some help with Gilbert, will someone come to my rescue.

 **dancingdoll** : ur out of fuckin luck m8 im gettING WASTED AYYYYYYE LMAO

 **shadenlibertea** : AYYYYYE LMAO

 **takemetochurch** : what do you need, george?

 **g.wash** : He is grinding on me and he won’t stop and I’m quite… ahem… uncomfortable.

 **takemetochurch** : what did Adrienne say? ur out of fuckin luck m8

 **dungoofed** : WAIT JOHN CHURCH IS STILL HERE LMFAOOOO DUDE YOU HAVENT LEFT YET

 **takemetochurch** : wow you guys forgot about me thx

 **macaroninfrance** : GUYS GUYS ALERT ALERT

 **macaroninfrance** : BETH IS DOING BODY SHOTS OFF OF PEGGY AND SHES UP TO 20 SHOTS

 **washingdone** : i need a nap i stfg

 **g.wash** : If you guys could at least stop all the attractive people buying drink for my future husband, that’d be great.

 **washingdone** : UR FUCKIN WOT M8

 **g.wash** _has left the group chat  
_**w** **ashingdone** _ _has added_ _**g.wash** __to the group chat__

 **washingdone** : we’ll discuss this later

 **intenseninsane** : WHO THE FUCK ALLOWED ELIZA TO TAKE HER SHIRT OFF

 **intenseninsane** : I LEFT HER ALONE WITH MARIA FOR FIVE MINUTES AND MARIA AND HERCULES GOT HER DRUNK THAT FAST IM FUCKING DONE

 **cinnamonroll** : ITS LIT BITCHES WHOOOOOO

 **intenseninsane** : I AM GOING TO GET PEGGY PUT UR FUCKING SHIRT BACK ON

 **dancingdoll** : LMFAO i thought that said “im going to get pregnant” and i was like “FUCK YEAH THOMAS GIVE HER THAT DIHHHH”

 **macaroninfrance** : (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **cinnamonroll** : BACK THE FUCK UP AND EAT ASS ANGELICA IMMA LET MY TIDDIES BE FREE

 **gaytortoise** : LET HER TIDDIES BE FREE ANGELICA GOSH

 **dungoofed** : FREE THE TIDDIES

 **largebaguette** _has changed the group chat name to_ **#libérezlesfous**

 **dancingdoll** : laf u pile of wombat shit not everyone understands french

 **largebaguette** : DO YU T UNDERSTANITO TKIS AFRIENE

 **largebaguette** : vous pouvez manger chaque centimètre de mon coq français

 **dancingdoll** : fckn rude

 **cinnamonroll** _has changed the group chat name to_ **#freethetiddies**

 **intenseninsane** : thats it i need a valium

 **intenseninsane** : cmon Thomas we’re leaving

 **intenseninsane** : Thomas…

 **intenseinsane** : THOMAS

 **macaroninfrance** : Thomas cant come to the phone right now

 **macaroninfrance** : you know why?

 **macaroninfrance** : cause he’s dead

 **g.wash** : Dear God, Angelica, why the hell did you scream like that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VIENS DANSER AVEC MOI -- COME DANCE WITH ME
> 
> vous pouvez manger chaque centimètre de mon coq français -- you can eat every inch of my French cock


	27. hangove pt ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know the word 'hangover' is missing an 'r'. I thought the word 'hangove' was so fucking funny, I'm sorry.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:** intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
 ** **Elizabeth Sanders:** ** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store 

* * *

 

**largebaguette** : i… want… to… die…

**intenseninsane** : suffer

**gaytortoise** : we got wasted last night lmfao

**cinnamonroll** : omg reading up through the chat… did i really take my top off

**shadenlibertea** : o yea (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**shadenlibertea** : it was iconic

**cinnamonroll** : i think im going to die of embarassment jfc

**daughtersnhorses** : also excuse u Beth my drunk crunk™ is legendary wtf

**dungoofed** : fun fact i have video of a drunk lafayette throwing up in a urinal while wash awkwardly stands to the side and holds his heels

**dungoofed** : laf.vid

**g.wash** _has kicked_ **largebaguette** _from the group chat_

**dungoofed** : jesus George over a video calm tf down my guy

**g.wash** :  No, not that! So he won’t see that little… slip up I made.

**gaytortoise** : gwash, my man, you are a fucKIN SAVAGE

**gaytortoise** : kicking your own boyfriend from the chat? yikes™

**g.wash** _has added_ **largebaguette** _to the group chat_

**largebaguette** : what the fuck just happened

**g.wash** : I accidentally pressed the ‘kick’ button when I was looking through your profile, my love.

**largebaguette** : so this has nothing to do with that ‘future husband’ comment

**ayyelmao** : o shIT

**gaytortoise** : G WASH. MY GUY.

**shadenlibertea** : yikes™

**g.wash** : Well, shit.

**largebaguette** : The Frenchiest Fry knows all, my love.

**g.wash** : I can explain.

**washingdone** : oh fuck i wanna hear this

**intenseninsane** : WAIT WAIT i wanna get popcorn

**macaroninfrance** : yeah hold on everyone get cozy

**g.wash** : This is ridiculous. The explanation is simple.

**poogle** : alright im nice and snuggled in

**intenseninsane** : popcorns ready lets hear it wash

**g.wash** : I want to marry Gilbert.

**largebaguette** : EW ABSOLUTELY NOT

**slimthicc** : yikes™

**ayyelmao** : aww man poor George i actually feel bad for the dude

**g.wash** : Pardon? You told me last month that you wanted to marry me one day?

**largebaguette** : NOT WITH THIS PROPOSAL I WONT. THIS IS SO UNROMANTIC GEORGE JESUS CHRIST GET IT TOGETHER SWEETIE

**largebaguette** : have you a romantic bone in your body do it r i g h t

**g.wash** : dinner in an hour?

**largebaguette** : holy shit yes i am going to get ready

**intenseninsane** : holy shit i can't wait

**dancingdoll** : lafayette is the only man i know to reject the love is his life because the proposal wasn’t romantic that’s my brother people a complete fucking idiot

**gaytortoise** : meanwhile

**gaytortoise** : back to me & my love life

**shadenlibertea** : your mess of a boyfriend, your pet turtle Tort, and the fact that you and alex never see each other due to conflicting schedules?

**gaytortoise** : MEANWHILE

**dungoofed** : EXPOSE US MOM

**elizaBABE** : yikes John you can't recover from that rip

**elizaBABE** : at least me and my date mates are still cute

**shadenlibertea** : didn't Peggy completely walk away and drop Herc because of his drunk drunk

**poogle** : :)

**daughtersnhorses** : wow wtf maria

**shadenlibertea** : I haven't exposed anybody recently with that shit with James & being a mom you guys are target practice

**cinnamonroll** : roast me babe :)

**shadenlibertea** : *sweats*

**intenseninsane** : yeah maria roast her

**poogle** : yeah do it

**shadenlibertea** : i cant tell if youre doing this because you know that i am incapable or if because you think im capable and as soon as i roast her im going to disappear

**intenseninsane** : :)

**macaroninfrance** : god my wife is scary

**macaroninfrance** : god my wife is hot when she’s scary

**sickofurshit** : so excusing this disgusting display of affection

**sickofurshit** : i have an announcement

**sickofurshit** : charles’ lee’s hair is really sof that is all

**ayyelmao** : oui oui ;)

**dancingdoll** : stop disrespecting me & my ppl thx this is cultural appropriation i feel attacked

**elizaBABE** : so thats def not what people mean by cultural appropriation but… ok

**daughtersnhorses** : that sounded like that ‘sounds fuck but ok’ meme

**elizaBABE** : sounds fuck

**daughtersnhorses** : i meant fake its autocorrect

**washingdone** : sounds fake but ok

**ayyelmao** : i swear shit only gets called out when i do it in this group chat

**dancingdoll** : yeah you’re my new groupchat easy target dwi

**poogle** : but can we talk about this tho

**poogle** : james madison: disgusting display of affection ew also james madison: my bf has SOF hair

**poogle** : i have questions

**sickofurshit** : shut ur fkcu

**washingdone** : george wanted me to tell you guys to shut your fucking mouths

**washingdone** : he doesn't want anything to ruin tonight u fucks

**intenseninsane** : how will us talking ruin his night

**washingdone** : george has the worst kind of anxiety so just shut your fucking fucks

**cinnamonroll** : fine but Anxious George™ is cute ijs

**largebaguette** : glacier.png

**largebaguette** : I SAID YES

**largebaguette** : also my diamond is huge

**dungoofed** : if my rock isn't at least half that size john is proposing again

**gaytortoise** : babe you're still technically a law a student

**gaytortoise** : i’m still technically a med student where would we get the money

**poogle** : more like mess student™

**gaytortouse** : lick my ass poogy

**cinnamonroll** : POOGY

**daughtersnhorses** : cHOKUNG

**elizaBABE** : IT JUST KEEPS GETTIN WORSE

**poogle** : *shoving baguettes into my purse* I need to leave immediately

**dancingdoll** : ITS BREADSTICKS

**washingdone** : you can't just shove Adrienne & Laf in your purse like that Laf is getting married

**largebaguette** : let her finish

**intenseninsane** : lafayette omg guess what 

**intenseninsane** : you're my size in dresses

**largebaguette** : holy shit

**largebaguette** : GEORGE HOLY SHIT

**g.wash** : No. We're not reusing a dress. Nothing but the best for you. You're getting everything brand spanking new.

**daughtersnhorses** : I'll start finding materials siiiiiiigh 

**sigh** : Actually speaking of me

**sigh** : I'M GONNA BE A DAD HOLY SHIT I AM FR E A K IN G OUT

**slimthicc** : what the fuck 

**slimthicc** : we're having a daughter by the way 

**dungoofed** : oh that makes it a lot more real when my mom found out she was having a boy my dad lost his shit

**dungoofed** : thats why i dont have one

**dungoofed** : dont leave theo, burr

**sigh** : whO SAID--

**gaytortoise** : honey what did we say about oversharing hm you cant do that to people

****dungoofed** : **sounds fake but ok 


	28. choke slamming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goddamnit.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student

* * *

 

**dungoofed** : fuck.

**gaytortoise** : fuck is right u total fuckin idiot jesus

**macaroninfrance** : why do i get the feeling im gonna rly fckn like whatever this is about

**intenseninsane** : because u like to see hamilton suffer babe

**macaroninfrance** : shit u rite

**g.wash** : Hamilton. What did you do?

**largebaguette** : Daddy George™ coming in hot 

**cinnamonroll** : probably somth stupid

**gaytortoise** : smth way stupid my guy lemme tell you about my Dumbass Boyfriend™ 

**dungoofed** : John pls

**gaytortoise** : so tell me when its appropriate to tell your boyfriends SIXTEEN YEAR OLD BROTHER to take advantage of EMOTIONALLY FRAGILE WOMEN to practice his flirting skills on

**dungoofed** : it sounded like a good idea in OITNB

**gaytortoise** : they expressly said that was NOT a good idea alex what the FUCK

**shadenlibertea** : fuck alex why are you like this

**dungoofed** : i didn't grow up with a strong male figure and i don't know how to be a strong male figure for impressionable young male minds

**daughtersnhorses** : no alex tell us how you REALLY feel

**dungoofed** : i just did

**slimthicc** : alex that was sarcasm jfc you are a mess™

**sigh** : theo has officially realized alex is a mess she’s officially been inducted to the club

**poogle** : you can’t make that decision she’s your gf & babymama

**sickofurshit** : god aaron burr is gonna be a father i am worried™

**dungoofed** : ayye same lmao

**sigh** : Lafayette pushed your boyfriend down the stairs when he found out they had the same birthday and he has a whole son too.

**largebaguette** : shit drag me

**ayyelmao** : i’d almost forgotten about that

**sickofurshit** : who said i thought laf was a good dad none of us are fit to be parents

**cinnamonroll** : um???™ 

**intenseninsane** : also um???™ i'm the most responsible out of you fucking fucks

**macaroninfrance** : but u wont have a baby with me angelica why are you like this

**intenseninsane** : just because im the best fit to be a parent out of you fucking animals doesnt mean that i want to actually be one god thomas ur so stupid

**sickofurshit** : tru

**sigh** : tru that thomas is stupid or tru the other thing she said

**sickofurshit** : yes

**Private Messages — badbitch, frenchbitch**

**badbitch** : oh btw I have something to tell you

**frenchbitch** : ???

**badbitch** : if I get you chic fil a later you can't be mad

**frenchbitch** : oui oui just tell me

**Group Chat — #savemysoil2k17**

**gaytortoise** : so back to my idiot boyfriend

**dungoofed** : let me live it down im sorry

**gaytortoise** : now i, the gay brother™, have to do damage control jfc alex 

**dungoofed** : ily 

**gaytortoise** : ily too even tho i dont know why sometimes

**largebaguette** : NOW YOU'RE JUST SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW

**largebaguette** : SOME BOdY 

**largebaguette** : NOW AND THEN I THINK OF ALL THE TIMES YOU SCREWED ME OVER

**washingdone** : just @ me already jeez

**cinnamonroll** : what's happening 

**washingdone** : I promised Laf I'd come over and do his nails & we’d talk but I'm busy

**cinnamonroll** : with…? 

**largebaguette** : FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE PUNK BITCH

**cinnamonroll** : Ah.

**intenseninsane** : He's in town? 

**poogle** : Jesus, Laf, let it go babe

**elizaBABE** : ??? 

**g.wash** : Daniel Parke Custis. Martha's new boyfriend. 

**largebaguette** : and a traitorous piece of shit

**dungoofed** : Lafayette someone telling you that chic-fil-a isn't that good isn't traitorous jesus 

**largebaguette** : no Benedict Arnold said that to me the prick fuck him tho 

**largebaguette** : No, Daniel PROMISED me he would make a collab with me on my channel and then collabed with this ugly ass bizatch

**washingdone** : He's sweet. He just forgot that you didn't like her.

**largebaguette** : fuck him fr

**intenseninsane** : jesus christ anyways back to more important things

**intenseninsane** : KPop? More like KBOP AMIRITE

**macaroninfrance** : not you too rip

**sickofurshit** : OMG ANGELICA WHOS YOURE FAVORITE

**poogle** : I will set myself and you both collectively on fire 

**slimthicc** : what does everyone think of California? 

**dungoofed** : dump

**largebaguette** : great vacationing tho

**cinnamonroll** : I studied in SanFran for a bit its nice

**macaroninfrance** : Gorgeous.

**largebaguette** : georgeous

**macaroninfrance** : no I said what I said

**sigh** : hmm…

**gaytortoise** : why?

**slimthicc** : no reason. just curious

**Private Messages — James, Aaron**

**James:** I swear to fucking God if you and Theo leave I'll choke slam you.

**Aaron:** Wow. Prepare to do some choke slamming.

****James:**** GODDDAMNIT.


	29. thotmas the spank engine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Choo, choo bitches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the idea for this chapter came from, while reading about our presidents’ sex lives, someone called thomas jefferson ‘thomas the spank engine’. a professional history website.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
****Theodosia Bartow:**** slimthicc — Psychology Student

* * *

 

**Group Chat -- RevSet™**

**lancelot:** I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT

 **nonstop:** ah. you realized that you’re getting married.

 **lancelot:** I AM NOWHERE NEAR GOOD ENOUGH FOR GEORGE WHY IS HE MARRYING ME

 **threepints:** because he loves you?

 **lancelot:** why?????????!?!!??!!?!?!??!!?!?!

 **tailor:** because you’re amazing?

 **lancelot:** yes bUT HE IS AMAZINGER

 **threepints:** thats definitely not a word

 **nonstop:** hush john

 **nonstop:** would you rather he didn’t marry you?

 **lancelot:** no bUT

 **nonstop:** stop being a fucking idiot and get your head out of your ass

 **tailor:** alex is right unfortunately laf

 **tailor:** besides we know why you’re really freaking out stop playing us like we don’t know you better than you

 **lancelot:** fine.

 **lancelot:** what if… what if we’re wasting time? what if this isn’t real and i'm over him by next month and then i'm stuck married to him because he loves me and i can't break him like i broke so many before i can't i'd never forgive myself martha would never forgive me adri would never forgive me no one would i'd lose everyone and then i'd be back to the piece of shit that i used to be and i'm so fucking scared of hurting him by not loving him i love him now but will that last?

 **nonstop:** maybe, maybe not

 **nonstop:** but do you want to risk it lasting and then giving up the love of your life?

 **lancelot:** do i want to risk spending the rest of my life miserable?

 **tailor:** its just cold feet, laf i swear it

 **tailor:** you, Georges and George will be happy 5ever and we’ll all be jealous of you like Angel and Collins

 **lancelot:** i hope you’re right

**Group Chat -- #savemysoil2k17**

**sickofurshit** : thomas.png

 **sickofurshit** : you're welcome Alex

 **dungoofed** : I'm scared to click it John clicked it and screamed

 **dungoofed** : also why only me???

 **cinnamonroll** : so did Maria?

 **sickofurshit** : click it and find out alexander :)

 **largebaguette** : so as I was saying, I'm going to gouge my eyes out

 **intenseninsane** : I'm @ the barracks so I can't open it for fear of instant regret but what is it?

 **shadenlibertea** : NOT HOLY THAT'S WHAT IT IS

 **slimthicc** : I canr fuck breath

 **macaroninfrance** : so I'm ending my actual existence WHERE DID U GIBD THIS JAMES

 **sickofurshit** : Peggy.

 **g.wash** : Naughty Thomas the Spank Engine.

 **dungoofed** : THOMAS THE SPANK

 **daughtersnhorses** : nottoberacistbut.mp3

 **daughtersnhorses** : OKAY IMAGINE THAT BUT INSTEAD OF NOT TO BE RACIST BUT ITS ‘THOMAS THE SPANK’

 **elizaBABE** : Thomas? More like THOTmas amirite

 **dungoofed** : u rite

 **poogle** : My skill with the photoshop is undeniable.

 **cinnamonroll** : without clicking the image I'm guessing Peggy photoshopped Thomas’ face onto Thomas the Tank Engine’s face with the caption ‘Naughty Thomas the Spank Engine’?

 **poogle** : the Train has fishnets but yeah

 **cinnamonroll** : why?

 **poogle** : Tell them what you said, Thomas.

 **macaroninfrance** : absolutely not

 **daughtersnhorses** : “I'm just sayin if Angelica wanted to spank me I wouldn't say no”

 **intenseninsane** : thomas

 **intenseninsane** : //Thomas//

 **macaroninfrance** : IT FIT THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION THEY'RE FORGETTING ALL THE STUFF THEY SAID

 **macaroninfrance** : GEORGE SPANKS LAF

 **largebaguette** : that's old news

 **g.wash** : Yeah, everyone knows that.

 **macaroninfrance** : AND BETH HAS A DADDY KINK

 **elizaBABE** : So? At least I don't want Angelica to spank me.

 **poogle** : yeah you fucked up Jeffershit just accept it

 **sickofurshit** : dun goofed boi

 **dancingdoll** : HOLYFUCKFUCKINGFUCKERS GUYS GUESS W H A T

 **daughtersnhorses** : whats up????

 **dancingdoll** : THOMAS WANTS TO BE SPANKED BY ANGELICA THE MEME IS CIRCULATING THE INTERNET

 **macaroninfrance** : they know

 **macaroninfrance** : wait

 **macaroninfrance** : ITS CIRCULATING WHAT

 **dungoofed** : :)

 **macaroninfrance** : HAMILTON WHY WOULD YOU THAT

 **dungoofed** : I saw an opportunity to slander you and your name. Why wouldn’t I do that?

 **elizaBABE** : John I'm marrying your boyfriend

 **gaytortoise** : good luck he has a fear of commitment

 **dungoofed** : DRAG ME

 **cinnamonroll** :  _sent a link_

**cinnamonroll** : “Thomas Jefferson, young upstart in NYC’s political mine field, has been speculated to have a spanking kink.”

 **cinnamonroll** : that is an actual headline

 **poogle** : PUT THAT ON MY GRAVESTONE SHDHFKFXJF

 **elizaBABE** : MINE TOO I'M HOLLERING

 **macaroninfrance** : my career is OVER

 **sickofurshit** : you don't even want to be a politician why are you complaining

 **sickofurshit** : you want to work with animals. more specifically, sheep

 **macaroninfrance** : not after the Sheep from Satan i don't

 **gaytortoise** : is this the sheep that you had a dream killed a small boy?

 **macaroninfrance** : that would be the one

 **dungoofed** : UM JOHN????? WHY DO YOU KNOW ABOUT JEFFERSON'S DREAMS????? THE ONLY DREAMS THAT SHOULD MATTER TO YOU ARE MINE????????????? ET TU BRUTE?????????????

 **gaytortoise** : he’s my stoner friend we talk about things

 **intenseninsane** : omg my boss just called me into his office thomas i am going to BEAT YOU

 **largebaguette** : its not punishment if he likes it ;)

 **dancingdoll** : angelica schuyler jefferson the only thing of thomas’ you're mentally capable of beating is his MEAT

 **cinnamonroll** _has left the group chat  
_**shadenlibertea** _has added_ **cinnamonroll** _to the group chat_

 **poogle** : have you ever instantly regretted something

 **cinnamonroll** : do other people's actions count

 **intenseninsane** : ADRIENNE

 **dancingdoll** : ANGELICA

 **macaroninfrance** : you know what hamilton i'm here to ruin your day

 **dungoofed** : nothing can ruin this

 **macaroninfrance** _has added_ **j.adams** _to the group chat_

 ** **dungoofed** : **spoke too soon


	30. SEX SEX SEX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a mess. And NSFW. Then again, my entire existence isn't SFW so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In roman numerals, 30 is XXX. Which explains the topic of this chapter.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 ** **Theodosia Bartow:**** slimthicc — Psychology Student 

* * *

 

**largebaguette** : contact is such a sensual song and if i didn't lose my virginity to something else, i would’ve lost it to that song lets argue

**g.wash** : Who would argue with you on that?

**g.wash** : And who did you lose your virginity to, as well as what song did you lose your virginity to and where?

**largebaguette** : Alex argues about whether or not the sky is blue so I was taunting him

**largebaguette** : also curious little george arent u

**largebaguette** : you’re gonna think its the GAYEST thing ever 

**g.wash** : Did you just call me a monkey? Also, I mean… its you? Will I be really surprised?

**largebaguette:** yes  <3 my curious george

**g.wash** : Just tell me already.

**largebaguette** : back of a gay club w/ my best friend Segur, to the sound of Disco Stick by Lady Gaga. you?

**g.wash:** Marvin Gaye, Martha, in her bedroom while her parents slept

**largebaguette** : YOU’RE SO TRADITIONAL OMG 

**g.wash** : She said that, too.

**largebaguette** : which marvin gaye song?

**g.wash** : Let Get It On, of course.

**dungoofed** : what the fuck is the conversation and why isn’t it being held in private 

**largebaguette** : I was listening to the Broadway version of RENT and needed to share my thoughts with you guys

**largebaguette** : and because GEORGE IS OUT OF TOWN :(

**g.wash** : Jack really wanted me to take him on his field trip.

**largebaguette** : you’re lucky that you’re a good dad

**largebaguette** : mon ami, what did you lose your virginity to? And who? And where?

**dungoofed** : oh god it was so long ago. I remember i was 14

**dungoofed** : John Andre, in our sailor costumes after a production of Anything Goes @ his house, to a recording of one of our friends singing Blow, Gabriel, Blow

**gaytortoise** : yikes™ that's gayer than the way Laf lost his  

**largebaguette** : THAT'S SO BAD :(

**dungoofed** : not really. it was hot. he was a cute sailor

**gaytortoise** : well, I can top you. Martha Manning, park bench, High for This by the Weeknd playing on her ipod

**dungoofed** : YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO A WOMAN WHY THE FUCK DIDNT I KNOW THIS

**dungoofed** : also of course you can top me ;)

**gaytortoise** : I was absolutely shitfaced and my Dad had recently found my Playgirl magazine. It’s not exactly the best memory.

**gaytortoise** : get the fuck away

**dancingdoll** : what is this speak of sin

**largebaguette** : this isnt a question for you adri shoo

**dancingdoll** : fuck off. Marie Antoinette, walmart parking lot, Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson

**largebaguette** : FUCKING WHEN?????????? 

**dancingdoll** : it was before i came out. she was the one that made me realize, actually

**dancingdoll** : so eat ass lafayette i topped you

**poogle** : OOH OOH I WANNA PITCH IN

**poogle** : sike i havent lost my virginity yet bye you dirty sinners

**poogle** : pick up a bible maybe ok

**daughtersnhorses** : aww poor sweet poogy

**poogle** : keep that up and i’ll never lose it asshead 

**daughtersnhorses** : thats my girl 

**dungoofed** : herc, what about you?

**daughtersnhorses** : how does it feel by d’angelo, but i don't remember who. some blonde. I do remember it was a college party so some randos house

**daughtersnhorses** : i'm curious about  _ @elizaBABE _

**elizaBABE** : Hercules Mulligan, three days ago at his apartment, no music.

**daughtersnhorses** : YOU WERE A VIRGIN

**elizaBABE** : yeah, so?

**daughtersnhorses** : I DIDN'T KNOW I WOULD'VE MADE IT SO MUCH MORE SPECIAL

**elizaBABE** : Herc, there were rose petals. And candles. 

**largebaguette** : mon ami that’s as special as it gets unless you propose before hand

**largebaguette** : glacier.png

**largebaguette** : like george ;)

**cinnamonroll** : my time to fucking shine losers so shut your fucking fuckers 

**cinnamonroll** : Alex, She Will by Drake, Angelica’s room

**intenseninsane** : ANGELICA’S WHAT

**cinnamonroll** : :)

**cinnamonroll** : i washed the sheets tho

**intenseninsane** : A NAKED FUCKING RAT WAS IN MY BED WITH MY SISTER

**dungoofed** : ouch wow ok 

**dungoofed** : i was going to apologize for coming in her eye but nah not anymore

**intenseninsane** : IN HER WHAT

**intenseninsane** : YOU BETTER FUCKIGN RUN ALEXANDER I STG

**cinnamonroll** : yikes™ lets move on

**cinnamonroll** :  _ @shadenlibertea _ ???? what about you baby girl

**shadenlibertea** : i dont wanna talk about it, what about you _ @slimthicc _ ???

**slimthicc** : I lost it to my ex-husband. He was in the military. 

**slimthicc** : There wasn’t any music, but it was on our honeymoon.

**slimthicc** : That's all I wish to say about that so Aaron

**sigh** : Jeffershit, Motivation by Kelly Rowland, yacht

**dungoofed** : you’re fucking kidding

**sigh** : i wish i was

**dungoofed** : you lost your virginity on a YACHT

**sigh** : his homophobic father’s yacht, more accurately

**macaroninfrance** : i forgot about that 

**macaroninfrance** : mostly because aaron COMPLETELY WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS AFTERWARD

**sigh** : i’m an asexual, Thomas. why on earth do you think I’d want to continuously discuss something I find no release in?

**sickofurshit** : IM SORRY WHAT

**sickofurshit** : THOMAS YOU DIDN'T MAKE HIM COME

**poogle** : Thomas Jefferson lasts like 30 seconds pass it on

**sigh** : 25 seconds, i knew where to search for the prostate

**gaytortoise** : AARON TOPPED IM SKDKFHFJDK

**macaroninfrance** : i was like, 17… 

**largebaguette** : but it doesn't count if you don't come i'm sorry mon ami

**sigh** : it counts plenty considering i didnt have sex with anyone again until Theodosia.

**sigh** : unlike you heathens, im a lady

**slimthicc** : he needs to be properly courted

**slimthicc** : not fuckn to the sounds of lady gaga

**largebaguette** : this will NOT be a thing to tease me on

**g.wash** : Sorry, Gilbert, but yes it will.

**largebaguette** : I’m pouting. You can’t see it, but I’m pouting.

**g.wash** : You just sent me a selfie. I can very much see it and stop it. I am on a bus full of children.

**g.wash** : Passing the buck to Martha, by the way.

**washingdone** : Jack’s father, no music, on his roof in broad daylight

**gaytortoise** : Martha has the most badass one out of all of y’all go home 

**intenseninsane** : y’all 

**gaytortoise** : -whispers softly-

**gaytortoise** : don’t.

**gaytortoise** : what about you angie schuy

**intenseninsane** : Laf will hit the roof, but

**intenseninsane** : Like A Virgin by Madonna, Benedict Arnold, his parents’ bed

**largebaguette** : HOW YOU DARE TAINT QUEEN GODDESS LEGEND ICON MADONNA WITH THAT PIECE OF SHIT ARNOLD

**intenseninsane** : STOP BEING SO PASSIONATE ABOUT CHIC FIL A

**dungoofed** : we’re forgetting someone

**j.adams** : Yes. Me.

**dungoofed** : Oh, we actually got everyone? Nice.

**j.adams** : Hamilton.

**dungoofed** : Fuckstick.

**j.adams** : you’re impossible

**dungoofed** : I’m better than you 

****j.adams:**** UGH

 


	31. john & abigail adams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An open letter to the fat, arrogant, anticharismatic, national embarRASSMENT KNOWN AS PRESIDENT JOHN ADAMS--

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
****Theodosia Bartow:**** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  **gaytortoise** : abigail is such a sweet girl its a shame she married a complete fuckwad

 **cinnamonroll** : John isn't so bad…

 **gaytortoise** : I was talking about Adams

 **cinnamonroll** : so was I

 **gaytortoise** : no you weren’t because you said the person wasn’t so bad

 **dungoofed** : GOD I FUCKING LOVE MY AMAZING BOYFRIEND SO MUCH

 **j.adams** _has changed his username to_ **fuckhamilton**

 **dungoofed** : you fucking wish

 **j.adams** _has added_ **a.adams  
**a.adams** **_has changed her username to_ ****sunshinegirl****

 **sunshinegirl** : Hello, everyone! Eliza, Theodosia, Maria, Angelica, Beth, Peggy, Gilbert, Adrienne, James, Thomas, Alexander, John, George, Martha, Hercules, Aaron! Hi, how are you guys?

 **dungoofed** : you don’t have to list us off abigail you can just say hi

 **sunshinegirl** : but everyone deserves equal attention!!!

 **gaytortoise** : see what i'm saying. she doesn’t even curse. pure angel.

 **sunshinegirl** : you're so sweet <3

 **sunshinegirl** : I just wanna tell Laf that I’m a HUGE fan of his channel and I ADORED the Sally makeup he did for Halloween

 **largebaguette** : awww thanks honey <3 swing by sometime and we’ll do a video together.

 **sunshinegirl** : OMG ID LOVE THAT SO MUCH <3

 **sunshinegirl** : oh and good luck in court today, btw alex!

 **fuckhamilton** : abbyyyy

 **sunshinegirl** : I can root for both sides hush

 **dungoofed** : thanks but I don't need luck. adams’ client is going down

 **largebaguette** : what's the case?

 **dungoofed** : serial flasher goofed and flashed some little kids by accident. there was surveillance

 **shadenlibertea** : adams…

 **fuckhamilton** : his back is to the camera how can you prove it was him

 **dungoofed** : honestly how do you sleep at night they were CHILDREN

 **fuckhamilton** : it wasn't him!

 **dungoofed** : you're a horrible person john adams

 **fuckhamilton** : being a defense attorney isn't being a horrible person

 **dungoofed** : yes

 **g.wash** : Can you two stop discussing the case in a group chat? This is illegal, I'm pretty sure.

 **cinnamonroll** : pretty sure? george you're a judge how do you not know the law

 **g.wash** : I just woke up, please don't start cooking me.

 **largebaguette** : I'm sorry what

 **shadenlibertea** : cooking?

 **gaytortoise** : do you mean roasting?

 **g.wash** : Like I said, I just woke up.

 **poogle** : George Washingdad is so adorable aww

 **poogle** : A puppy.

 **largebaguette** : washingdaddy

 **poogle** : no

 **largebaguette** : ok

 **dungoofed:**  JOHN FUCKING ADAMS

 **fuckhamilton** : what?

 **dungoofed** : PLAY THE SCOTTISH NATIONAL ANTHEM ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL SHOVE YOUR ANAL SPHINCTER DOWN YOUR THROAT

 **poogle** : that's an oddly specific thing to be shoving down throats

 **ayyelmao** : why the fuck is John Adams playing the Scottish National Anthem

 **sunshinegirl** : because it annoys Hamilton :(

 **fuckhamilton** : that is NOT why

 **fuckhamilton** : I happen to be a great fan of the Scottish. Not everything I do in my life is to annoy Hamilton.

 **macaroninfrance** : you crusty hair follicle you've literally said before that everything u do is to piss off Hamilton

 **macaroninfrance** : I'm not saying its a bad thing just be honest dude

 **fuckhamilton** : remind me again why im friends with you

 **macaroninfrance** : it helps your reputation to be seen with an attractive man of power

 **gaytortoise** : he said friends with you not Alex

 **cinnamonroll** : JONATHAN.

 **gaytortoise** : its just john

 **cinnamonroll** : go to the timeout corner

 **intenseninsane** : kinky

 **largebaguette** : I SAW THAT DEAR EVAN HANSEN REFERENCE

 **daughtersnhorses** : siddown you musical loving fuck

 **daughtersnhorses** : im gonna fucking kill you

 **daughtersnhorses** : I HAD TO TAKE BETH TO GET HER STOMACH PUMPED LAFAYETTE SHE HAD ALCOHOL POISONING

 **daughtersnhorses** : I TOLD you she isn't at your level of being a fucking alcoholic I TOLD you

 **largebaguette** : what? no when I dropped her & the girls off she was fine she wasn't even drunk

 **largebaguette** : I had to take Georges to a doctors appointment this morning I didn't stay out long

 **daughtersnhorses** : obviously not u fckn idiot

 **cinnamonroll** : *sweats*

 **cinnamonroll** : this may actually be john and i’s fault

 **gaytortoise** : well FUCK Eliza

 **gaytortoise** : You just had to open your mouth & take me down huh

 **cinnamonroll** : you were gonna let Laf take the fall

 **sigh** : never underestimate how much John hates being in trouble with people

 **cinnamonroll** : after we went out with Laf she came over to me & Maria’s place and got really trashed but I didnt think she was sick she just looked passed out

 **cinnamonroll** : when Peggy picked her up the next morning, she looked bad but hangover bad

 **poogle** : she was fine, Herc. I swear she must've drank some more on her own

 **poogle** : she's been really sad lately… idk… I think it has something to do with her little brother getting sick again

 **daughtersnhorses** : well fuck

 **dungoofed** : I'm sorry I know this is really important and we'll dedicate a whole chapter to this later

 **sickofurshit** : Hamilton the fourth wall.

 **dungoofed** : what the fuck ever but

 **dungoofed** : ADAMS I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD PLAY THE SCOTTISH NATIONAL ANTHEM ONE MORE FUCKING TIME AND I WILL END YOUR EXISTENCE

 **fuckhamilton** : huehuehue

 ** **intenseninsane** : **what the FUCK is a hue


	32. WebMD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time someone brings up modern!Hamilton, I can't help but think of that post on Tumblr where it was like "imagine James Madison with access to WebMD" and I just... I holler. So here's a chapter that's kind of dedicated to that.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
 ** **Elizabeth Sanders:**** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

 

**dungoofed** : guess who found out about WebMD

**sigh** : james madison found out about WebMD? 

**dungoofed** : james madison found out about WebMD.

**sigh** : who let james madison find out about WebMD? 

**dungoofed** : guess

**slimthicc** : John Laurens? 

**dungoofed** : John Laurens.

**gaytortoise** : wow why do you all know me that well 

**largebaguette** : only you would introduce someone with several illnesses + Munchausen's to WebMD

**gaytortoise** : shit u rite 

**sickofurshit** : so I've come to the conclusion that I'm dying

**ayyelmao** : no you're not

**sickofurshit** : yes

**ayyelmao** : what did I just say 

**sickofurshit** : but WebMD said so

**slimthicc** : WebMD lied henny 

**sickofurshit** : ITS MADE UP OF DOCTORS WHAT DO THEY GAIN FROM LYING 

**largebaguette** : first of all who told you it was made up doctors

**sickofurshit** : Maria.

**shadenlibertea** : shit

**shadenlibertea** : i'm sorry he's so easy to mess with

**sickofurshit** : anyways since I'm dying I want to get some things off my chest 

**sickofurshit** :  _ @dungoofed _ , fuck you 

**dungoofed** : :( 

**sickofurshit** :  _ @gaytortoise _ , fuck you

**gaytortoise** : you wish broke bitch

**shadenlibertea** : hey john that rhymed

**sickofurshit** :  _ @daughtersnhorses _ fuck you

**daughtersnhorses** : love u too lil bro

**sickofurshit** :  _ @ayyelmao _ fuck me ;) 

**ayyelmao** : OUI OUI HON HON BAGUETTE ;) 

**dancingdoll** : disrespect me & my culture one more time and I'll scrape your vocal chords out with a plastic spoon 

**ayyelmao** : literally fuck right off the edge of the earth adrienne

**sickofurshit** :  _ @fuckhamilton _ fuck you

**fuckhamilton** : what did I do? 

**sickofurshit** : exist lmao 

**sickofurshit** :  _ @cinnamonroll _ you're cool 

**cinnamonroll** : awww <3 you're cool too James

**sickofurshit** :  _ @sigh _ and DOUBLE FUCK YOU for almost leaving to California :) 

**sigh** : Let it go James

**sickofurshit** : eat my ass Aaron 

**g.wash** : Well, in case anyone is wondering how much being a Dad has consumed Lafayette's life, he just grounded me for eating the last of Georges’ favorite cereal.

**g.wash** : I'm /grounded/. I am an adult! 

**largebaguette** : I told you I would buy some for you if you waited but you didn't listen so suffer 

**largebaguette** : Im taking away all your fun reading materials go socialize 

**dungoofed** : Im fucking cackling this is such a turn in relationship dynamics 

**g.wash** : This is bullshit, is what it is. Since I'm grounded, would you like to go on a fishing trip with me, Alex? 

**dungoofed** : sure dad 

**dungoofed** : I DIDNT TYPE THAT 

**poogle** : surejan.gif 

**dungoofed** : PEGGY STOP HACKING INTO MY PHONE

**poogle** : but its fun :( 

**g.wash** : I am gonna regret this. 

**intenseninsane** : take Thomas too. he cant work while the ‘Thomas the Spank Engine’ shit cools down and he's annoying me

**poogle** : talk about something backfiring, huh, Hamilton? 

**dungoofed** : shut your ugly fucking pug poogy 

**fuckhamilton** : Hamilton and Jefferson out of the city? It'll be raining sunshine and kittens pretty soon.

**sickofurshit** : that's a pretty graphic piece of imagery when you think about the kittens’ bodies brutally hitting new york pavement while children look on 

**ayyelmao** : what the fuck 

**ayyelmao** : babe are u ok 

**sickofurshit** : NO IM DYING 

**ayyelmao** : NO YOU'RE NOT YOURE FINE

**sickofurshit** : my gravestone is gonna say “hate to say I told you so” you fucking fuckity fucker 

**ayyelmao** : no it wont you're not dying

**macaroninfrance** : wait why am I going on a fishing trip

**macaroninfrance** : Laf just did my nails I can't ruin them 

**shadenlibertea** : you like crossdressing? 

**macaroninfrance** : no but no matter the gender, when Laf offers to make you look good, you don't say no 

**largebaguette** : awww Thomass.

**macaroninfrance** : they don't even look that good tho so whatever 

**dancingdoll** : Thomas? More like Thomsass amirite 

**intenseninsane** : you're going on this trip Jeffershit or I'm divorcing you

**macaroninfrance** : you couldn't divorce me if you wanted to bby ;) 

**intenseninsane** : Burr, you looking to take on any divorce cases? 

**macaroninfrance** : SKFJJDKS OKAY ILL GO 

**g.wash** : I already want to die.

**largebaguette** : have fun kids! 

**washingdone** : I leave all of you alone for 2 minutes

**gaytortoise** : Martha we haven't seen you in 3 weeks

**washingdone** : T W O M I N U T E S

**sickofurshit** : I just wanna say ily Martha 

**washingdone** : you're not dying 

**washingdone** : And imma kick your ass John 

****gaytortoise** : **smh why is it that all of my ideas come back to bite me in the ass 


	33. abigail adams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly a funny chapter, but important to the little smidgen of plot I have going here. So...
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: non-con, abuse, child molestation

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** slimthicc — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store

* * *

  **dungoofed** _has blocked_ **fuckhamilton  
**fuckhamilton** **_has been kicked from the group chat_

**sunshinegirl** : Oh no! Alex, why?

**dungoofed** : he won the stupid fucking case I'm so mad those kids are traumatized for life and Adams got that fucking perv off for money I can't even bear to look at him right now

**dungoofed** : you can stay tho, abby, we like you

**gaytortoise** : yeah you're really nice why are you even with him?

**sunshinegirl** : my parents…

**sunshinegirl** : I love him, don't get me wrong but I never really wanted to marry him. I never intended on marrying at all — I was content being single & living the single life. But he was in love with me and he was rich and my parents adore him and I just kind of had no say…

**sunshinegirl** : He does his best to make me happy though and he's not a bad guy! I'm satisfied! Plus, he's an //amazing// father to little Quincy

**daughtersnhorses** : so wait a minute your parents arranged a wedding like this is the 18th century?

**sunshinegirl** : it wasn't really arranged per se

**shadenlibertea** : you got forced into a marriage you didn't want for wealth and status. arranged.

**shadenlibertea** : I know arranged marriages, honey, I was in one

**sunshinegirl** : what? you were?

**shadenlibertea** : My mother used to pimp me & my sisters out to her boyfriends in exchange for them paying the bills in the house and giving her the lap of luxury she wanted. She was dating James when he took an interest in me, and since his family was rich and could keep her & my sisters in comfort for the rest of their life…

**shadenlibertea** : she posed as me and signed my name on the marriage certificate. there wasn't even a wedding. i came home from work and all my shit had already been moved into his home.

**shadenlibertea** : that night he took my virginity… without my permission. i was 17.

**cinnamonroll** : oh my god

**sunshinegirl** : that's awful, Maria!

**largebaguette** : jesus fucking christ where is your mother I'm gonna kick her ass

**shadenlibertea** : someone beat you to it. my youngest sister, she clubbed my mother to death with a lamp after she attempted to marry her off when she was 15.

**shadenlibertea** : she's currently in a private mental facility, and she'll be there until she's 18. its the best facility around though. i use a trust fund set up by our deceased father to pay for it

**shadenlibertea** : anyways now you guys know my full story

**shadenlibertea** : Abby, if you want out of the marriage, get out. Don't suffer.

**sunshinegirl** : I don't mind it though. I love John, like I said. He's a fantastic man, even better father. I don’t need to get out. I’m content where I am.

**sunshinegirl** : I just… I want what John and Alex have…

**gaytortoise** : you want a turtle?

**largebaguette** : jesus fucking Christ john keep up

**sunshinegirl** : no, no, no… i want an open relationship…

**gaytortoise** : oh honey…

**sunshinegirl** : i feel disgusted with myself, that i can’t just be happy with john and all he does for me. that i have to be some floozy to be satisfied… but its all i can ever think about.

**cinnamonroll** : you’re not a floozy, Abby, you’re probably just poly

**sunshinegirl** : whats that?

**intenseninsane** : you can fall in love with more than one person

**g.wash** : If you want my advice, Abigail? Talk to John. He may seem like an all-american perfect square… but he’s capable of listening. I’m sure he loves you enough to accommodate your needs.

**sunshinegirl** : you think?

**g.wash** : I know.

**Private Messages — johnny, abby**

**abby** : John… you know I love you right?

**johnny** : of course Abby

**abby** : and I'd never want to hurt you

**johnny** : where is this going

**abby** : I wanna see other people…  with your permission

**johnny** : you're divorcing me? over text?

**abby** : no! I mean I want to see other people… with your permission. I want to stay with you AND see other people

**johnny** : like cheating?

**abby** : is it cheating if you know about it?

**johnny** : either way, no. the answer is no. think about little Quincy. think about how confused this will make him!

**johnny** : we'll finish this conversation at home, but the answer is no.

**abby** : ofc johnny

**Group Chat — #savemysoil2k17**

**sunshinegirl** : he said no…

**g.wash** : Oh, Abby.

**intenseninsane** : It's okay! We'll talk to him!

**sunshinegirl** : no, no, its fine! I can be happy as is, he's a great man.

**sunshinegirl** : thank you though for all your help. hamilton can you unblock him, please?

**dungoofed** _has unblocked_ **fuckhamilton  
s **unshinegirl** **_has added_ ****fuckhamilton** **_to the group chat_

****sunshinegirl** : **thegangsallhere.gif

**dungoofed** : yes, unfortunately

**dungoofed** _has changed the group chat name to_ **#JohnAdamsIsCancelled**


	34. fishing trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since the last chapter wasn't funny, I present to you: the fishing trip. Which is also not funny. RIP.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommytobe — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
****Charles Lee:**** ayyelmao — Law Student/Apprentice Under Washington

* * *

  **largebaguette** : with george not in the house, its so empty :( and baby georges takes so many naps

 **largebaguette** : i was grateful when it meant extra sexy time with george, but now its just :(

 **g.wash** : If you hadn’t put me on punishment for cereal…

 **largebaguette** : hey, you weren’t the one having to stay home from school again because your son was whining about there being no Trix in the house

 **largebaguette** : trix are for //kids// George, do you not watch the commercials?!

 **sunshinegirl** : hey, Laf, how about a play date! I’ll bring baby Quincy over, Maria can bring Susan and Theo can come over! We can share parenting tips, do each other’s nails, and maybe even take the kids to the park!

 **shadenlibertea** : i’m down. susan is getting cranky from always being in the house with me or Eliza, a little sunshine will do her good

 **slimthicc** : i’m always eager to learn when it comes to my baby

 **slimthicc** : hold on

 **slimthicc** _has changed her username to_ **mommytobe**

 **sunshinegirl** : awww thats so cute!

 **intenseninsane** : speaking of this fishing trip, by the way, how’s it going george

 **g.wash** : I have a perpetual headache.

 **cinnamonroll** : oh they can’t be that bad

 **g.wash** : We went out on the lake yesterday and Thomas purposefully tipped the boat over simply because he knew Alex doesn’t like to swim

 **g.wash** : We had to swim back to shore and I lost most of the fish I caught back to the water.

 **g.wash** : Then Alexander tried to set Thomas’ hair on fire like that Michael Jackson pepsi commercial.

 **g.wash** : I managed to stop him in time, but with all the product Thomas puts in his hair, we surely would’ve exploded.

 **gaytortoise** : theres so much sexual tension between them smh

 **gaytortoise** : hell, i wish they’d just fuck it out to stop being a headache

 **intenseninsane** : even if they did fuck it out, they wouldn’t stop being a headache

 **intenseninsane** : they’d be worse

 **fuckhamilton** : im sorry let me get this straight

 **fuckhamilton** : hamilton’s boyfriend and jefferson’s wife are talking about the two of them having sex

 **fuckhamilton** : what kind of sin…?

 **shadenlibertea** : its called being able to see your partner's wants and accommodate them, you selfish prick

 **fuckhamilton** : holy shit why are you so hostile

 **shadenlibertea** : i'm only hostile when people can't see past their own selfish needs and think about their significant others or educate themselves

 **sunshinegirl** : Maria, please…

 **gaytortoise** : plus, Alex and I have a pretty open relationship and we frequently date other people.

 **cinnamonroll** : I'm surprised neither of them have commented yet

 **g.wash** : Hamilton tried to do work while we’re here, so I'm the only one with the wifi password

 **largebaguette** : I love it when my man takes control of situations mmph

 **washingdone** : hey, what if we go down & join them? I have some vacation days and if I have to hear another joke that ends with a prepubescent boy farting, I'm gonna lose my shit

 **cinnamonroll** : I can't :/ I ran out of vacay days when Susan caught the flu

 **shadenlibertea** : yeah she's got a fragile immune system so I don't feel comfortable taking her out near a lake or the woods just yet but you guys go have fun

 **largebaguette** : yeah Georgie has another doctors appointment soon… they're getting the results of whether or not he has sickle cells and I gotta be here

 **intenseninsane** : I've… I can't. I'm busy, going out of town.

 **cinnamonroll** : everything okay?

 **intenseninsane** : yeah I just can't

**Group Chat — The Schuyler Sisters**

**angelica** : I'm being restationed to London.

 **eliza** :  what?!?!

 **peggy** : when did you find out?

 **angelica** : just now… I don't know how I'm gonna tell Thomas :/

 **peggy** : wait until he comes back from the trip… when are you leaving?

 **angelica** : few weeks. im gonna start packing now.

 **eliza** : I'm gonna miss you so much, Angie

 **angelica** : I'll miss you girls, too <3

**Group Chat — #JohnAdamsIsCancelled**

**gaytortoise** : I've got patients to work with & I'm gonna be swamped bc I'm on the oncology floor

 **washingdone** : everyone else?

 **fuckhamilton** : I don't really want to be in an enclosed position with Hamilton, but if _@sunshinegirl_ wants to go…?

 **sunshinegirl** : I'd love to! I can take little Quincy along

 **sunshinegirl** : but only after our playdate with Georges & Susan

 **sickofurshit** : I've got the shop to run, but Charles isn't doing anything

 **ayyelmao** : expose me why don't you.  

 **ayyelmao** : sure if it'll annoy Hamilton I'll go

 **sigh** : since Hamilton is gone I'm taking over his case so its a no from me dawg but Theo could use the fresh air, I think

 **mommytobe** : yeah! dipping my feet in the lake and enjoying sunsets??? sounds amazing

 **g.wash** : when you come, bring stuff for s’mores. i want to make s’mores

 **poogle** : you heard group chat dad, he wants s’mores

 **g.wash** : Why am I group chat dad?

 **poogle** : ‘cause you're old

 **g.wash** : I'm only 45

 **poogle** : OOOOOOOOOOLD

 **g.wash** : sigh.

 **sigh** : yeah, same, mr. Wash

 **g.wash** : I'll see those that are coming soon

 **fuckhamilton** : wait why the hell is the group chat name #JohnAdamsIsCancelled? what did I do?

 **g.wash** : you know what you did john

 **cinnamonroll** : for shame, for shame

 **dungoofed** : you dun goofed boi

 **gaytortoise** : you can’t see it, but we’re collectively giving you the shame glare

 **largebaguette** : SHAME GLARE

 **intenseninsane** : smh boi

 **fuckhamilton** : i…

 ** **fuckhamilton** : **will never understand you…

 


	35. lies & deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander is really fucking gullible.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommytobe — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
****Charles Lee:**** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 

**dungoofed** : so when were you guys gonna tell me that morris doesn't have one of his legs

**macaroninfrance** : wait you didn't know

**dungoofed** : does it look like I knew you faguette

**gaytortoise** : we thought you did! 

**intenseninsane** : how did you not know? he walks with a limp! 

**dungoofed** : Yeah I thought he was doing it like an old school pimp 

**shadenlibertea** : he has a cane! 

**dungoofed** : Morris is THE second most extra person I know I thought he was just being extra 

**sickofurshit** : who's the first 

**dungoofed** : thomas 

**macaroninfrance** : first of all

**cinnamonroll** : you really didn't know? 

**dungoofed** : no!  

**intenseninsane** : how did you find out? 

**dungoofed** : I tripped him! 

**cinnamonroll** : ALEXANDER WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

**dungoofed** : I trip Jefferson all the time! It seemed funny at the time! 

**sickofurshit** : so you just go around tripping people in politics and law 

**sigh** : Unfortunately, yes he does

**dungoofed** : I AM SO HUMILIATED I CAN NEVER SHOW MY FACE AGAIN 

**g.wash** : Think of the man with one leg that got tripped in public, here, Alexander. 

**dungoofed** : YES GEORGE I KNOW I FEEL AWFUL 

**washingdone** : good 

**gaytortoise** : jesus Alex what did u learn

**dungoofed** : not to trip Morris

**gaytortoise** : DON'T TRIP PEOPLE PERIOD unless they're toddlers and theyre learning how to walk then its funny

**largebaguette** : you are never babysitting my son again 

**shadenlibertea** : ditto

**dungoofed** : what else are you all hiding for me? 

**largebaguette** : I must confess. I have a son.

**dungoofed** : SHUT THE FUCK UP LAF I REALLY DIDN'T KNOW 

**washingdone** : George grows and smokes weed

**g.wash** : Well, fuck, Martha.

**dungoofed** : WHAT?!?!?! 

**largebaguette** : where did you think John, Thomas and I got our supply? Our ass? 

**dungoofed** : I thought you had a weed dealer! 

**gaytortoise** : we do its george washington 

**g.wash** : This is to stay between us. I could lose my job if it got out.

**largebaguette** : as if you need it

**poogle** : it'll stay between us sir I swear 

**g.wash** : Well I should also mention that from the ages of 18-27, I was in the US Military. A marine. 

**intenseninsane** : Wow! So am I! But I'm Navy. Semper fi! 

**g.wash** : You realize you can only say that if you're a marine, right?

**intenseninsane** : oops… my bad homes 

**g.wash** : Don't call me ‘homes’.

**largebaguette** : so i guess its true what they say about sailors huh babe ;) 

**g.wash** : No.

**dungoofed** : WHAT ELSE DO I NOT KNOW YOU… YOU TRUTH OMITTERS 

**mommytobe** : so omitters is definitely not a word

**dancingdoll** : I'm Lafayette's maid of honor

**largebaguette** : has anyone ever told you that you talk too much adri

**dancingdoll** : frequently

**gaytortoise** : i ate the last of the berry captain crunch not John Adams 

**fuckhamilton** : SO THATS WHY ALEXANDER CALLED ME AT 3AM YELLING ABOUT CAPTAIN CRUNCH AND HOW SACRED IT IS

**gaytortoise** : I told him you snuck in through the doggy door and ate it just to spite him

**shadenlibertea** : alexander remember when I told you that Snoop Dogg died 

**dungoofed** : HE'S ALIVE?!?!?! 

**shadenlibertea** : yup

**intenseninsane** : why would you tell him that

**shadenlibertea** : just to see if he would believe me 

**intenseninsane** : that's a good reason

**dungoofed** : I HAVE BEEN DECEIVED. BETRAYED BY MY OWN PEOPLE

**poogle** : you set yourself up for it tbh you're too gullible

**poogle** : its like gullible is written on the ceiling alexander 

**dungoofed** : WHO THE FUCK WROTE ON MY CEILING I BET IT WAS JEFFERSON'S TALL ANNOYING ASS COME TO EAT MY CAPTAIN CRUNCH AND DESECRATE MY SACRED HOME 

**macaroninfrance** : how can u be so smart and so stupid at the same time 

**intenseninsane** : I ask myself that every time you do something to exist, baby

**macaroninfrance** : honestly keep talking about me like this angelica and my big schlong wont ever be seen by you again

**cinnamonroll** : honestly that's more of something to be achieved than a punishment

**gaytortoise** : did jefferson just 

**fuckhamilton** : call his penis a schlong? yes.

**gaytortoise** : why

**sickofurshit** : bc he's jefferson 

**sunshinegirl** : ALEXANDER DIDN'T KNOW MORRIS DIDNT HAVE A LEG?!?!?! 

****fuckhamilton** : **Ah, my amazing wife. Late to the party, as always. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm officially out of ideas for this story soooo what do y'all wanna see? Who do you wanna see? Lemme know because my idea machine is broken :/


	36. holy shitballs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> H O L Y S H I T B A L L S.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** mommytobe — Psychology Student  
 **Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
 **Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 

**dungoofed** : lol whoops

**gaytortoise** : alex

**gaytortoise** : alex what did you do

**dungoofed** : :)

**gaytortoise** : alex tell me what you did RIGHT NEOW

**cinnamonroll** : right nya 

**gaytortoise** : GODDAMNIT ELIZA NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR MEMES

**cinnamonroll** : owo sorry senpai

**gaytortoise** : HOW ARE YOU NOT WORRIED

**cinnamonroll** : cause i know what he did already

**gaytortoise** : oh no eliza not you too

**cinnamonroll** : this is fine. everything is fine.

**daughtersnhorses** : isn’t that from that meme of the dog surrounded by fire

**gaytortoise** : EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE ELIZA WHAT HAPPENED

**g.wash** : I am having a heart attack just reading this chat. What happened Alexander?

**dungoofed** :  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**gaytortoise** : DON’T YOU SHRUG AT ME GODDAMNIT TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

**sickofurshit** : calm down John its probably fine

**sigh** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**sickofurshit** : or not

**macaroninfrance** : AARON IS USING EXCLAMATION POINTS

**macaroninfrance** : so things are DEFINITELY NOT FINE™

**largebaguette** : why the hell is theodosia calling me at 3 am?

**intenseninsane** : better question, why the hell are you all awake at 3am

**gaytortoise** : BECAUSE THINGS AR E N O T F I NE

**intenseninsane** : yeah that totally explains everything thx 

**macaroninfrance** : there’s no time for sarcasm angelica things arENOT FINE

**largebaguette** : will you all stop saying that 

**largebaguette** : this is perfectly fine

**largebaguette** : what did you expect, theodosia to just remain perpetually pregnant

**intenseninsane** : tHE BABY IS COMING?!?!?!?!

**macaroninfrance** : I AM ACTUALLY SCREAMING HOLY FUCKING SHIT

**sickofurshit** : THERE’S GONNA BE A WHOLE BABY 

**largebaguette** : well i would hope she didn’t deliver half a baby jesus fucking christ

**gaytortoise** : WAIT ALEX SAID ‘WHOOPS’ 

**gaytortoise** : ALEX WHAT ARE YOU ‘WHOOPS’ING AT 

**daughtersnhorses** : whoopsing sounds like a sexual activity

**cinnamonroll** : are we surprised a phrase coined for something alexander hamilton does sounds sexual

**daughtersnhorses** : shit u rite

**mommytobe** _ has changed her name to  _ **mommy**

**mommy** : MY BABY IS COMING CAN YOU LIKE, NOT

**gaytortoise** : HOW THE FUCK DID ALEX INDUCE LABOR

**dungoofed** : i said something and she was laughing really hard and then she just peed blood

**cinnamonroll** : so that makes a shocking amount of sense

**macaroninfrance** : eliza what are you saying that makes no sense at all!

**cinnamonroll** : yeah i thought it would make negative sense but its at a solid 0

**gaytortoise** : im not even going to decipher what that means im going to the hospital

**largebaguette** : bitch im already there

**gaytortosie** : LAFAYETTE. WHAT HAVE WE TOLD YOU ABOUT BREAKING SPEED LIMITS WHEN DRIVING. WE’VE DISCUSSED THIS. YOU TRAUMATIZED ME.

**largebaguette** : DID YOU DIE.

**gaytortoise** : no but still

**largebaguette** : OKAY THEN.

**sigh** : I’M GONNA BE A DAD

**ayyelmao** : babies are so small

**ayyelmao** : like footballs

**ayyelmao** : … 

**ayyelmao** : p-punt the baby… 

**cinnamonroll** : DO NOT PUNT THE BABY

**macaroninfrance** : i… i’m gonna punt it

**cinnamonroll** : I REPEAT ABORT MISSION DO NOT PUNT THAT BABY

**largebaguette** : yeah im never letting any of you around my child again

**sickofurshit** : i cannot believe the baby is coming

**sickofurshit** : i’m not ready

**sickofurshit** : I HAVEN’T EVEN BOUGHT THEM THEIR FIRST GIFT

**sickofurshit** : C’MON CHARLES WE NEED TO GET TO A DOLLAR STORE PRONTO

**sigh** : wow my first child’s first gift is gonna cost 99 cents… thats all she’s worth… 

**ayyelmao** : plus tax

**largebaguette** : shouldn’t you be in the delivery room burr?

**sigh** : i was but they kicked me out bc i passed out

**cinnamonroll** : wow wtf burr

**sigh** : YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN IT. IT WAS LIKE THAT SCENE IN ALIEN, EXCEPT IF THE ALIEN WAS HUMAN AND BALD AND COMING OUT OF A VAGINA

**fuckhamilton** : Jesus Christ, do you all ever… I dunno… shut the fuck up?

**dungoofed** : a baby is coming you fat roly poly

**fuckhamilton** : Please, you’re only jealous of my size because there’s more of me to go around.

**dungoofed** : ew

**sunshinegirl** : THE BABY IS COMING? HOLY SHIT

**sunshinegirl** : I DON’T FUCKING CARE

**sunshinegirl** : LET ME SLEEP

**gaytortoise** : … 

**dungoofed** : … 

**largebaguette** : … 

**g.wash** : … 

**intenseninsane** : … 

**ayyelmao** : … 

**cinnamonroll** : … 

**sickofurshit** : … 

**daughtersnhorses** : … 

**macroninfrance** : my god

**fuckhamilton** : She’s… not a morning person.

**sigh** : OH MY GOD GUESS WHO’S HERE

**sigh** : Theodosia Burr!

**dungoofed** : your wife named her child after herself

**gaytortoise** : ikr

**gaytortoise** : conceited much?

**sigh** : I wouldn’t talk shit about Theo, considering she just pushed a whole human out of her hooha.

**sigh** : imagine pushing a baby out your dick

**macaroninfrance** : OWOWOWOWOWOW

**sigh** : yeah

**macaroninfrance** : no not from the dick thing it just physically pained me to see you call a vagina a ‘hooha’

**mommy** : everyone shut the fuck up and let me have my moment

**cinnamonroll** : yikes. yes ma’am

**ayyelmao** : does anyone else notice that whenever something bad happens, its always alex's fault?


	37. um?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot. I'm tired.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler** : intenseninsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler** : poogle — Veterinary Student  
 **George Washington** : g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds** : shadenlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** mommytobe — Psychology Student  
 **Elizabeth Sanders** : elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
 **Charles Lee** : ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 

**dungoofed** : apple 

**largebaguette** : non c’est une fucking pomme 

**dungoofed** : aPPLE 

**largebaguette** : POMME

**elizaBABE** : why is Laf only speaking french 

**largebaguette** : i am not alex is an idiot he belives apple in french is apple and iT IS NOT TRUST ME I KNOW I'M FUCKING FRENCH BITCH

**dungoofed** :  you're out of touch with your culture 

**largebaguette** : MY FOOT ISN'T GONNA BE OUT OF TOUCH WITH YOUR KIDNEYS CAUSE THATS HOW FAR DOWN IM SHOVING IT DOWN YOUR THROAT

**g.wash** : He's just stressed because Georges started preschool and he misses him.

**largebaguette** : you're just stressed because eat my ass

**g.wash** : (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**cinnamonroll** : OKAY WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT GEORGE HOW TO USE THAT

**macaroninfrance** : *sweats*

**macaroninfrance** : also this is me issuing a formal fuck you to john laurens thx

**gaytortoise** : wow wtf jeffs 

**macaroninfrance** : alexander is talking to me about your stupid fucking face i don't care about and ur perfect fucking smile and you're adorable fucking freckles and now I think I'M gay for you

**intenseninsane** : finally.

**macaroninfrance** : wHA-

**intenseninsane** : DON'T YOU FRONT LIKE YOU DON'T WANT TO DICK THEM BOTH DOWN 

**macaroninfrance** : wife plEASE

**intenseninsane** : I just call it how I see it 

**poogle** : Jefferson wants to fuck me too are we just giving him free reign to fuck people he wants to

**daughtersnhorses** : no if we did it half of the city would have fucked him

**shadenlibertea** : we could make ‘I Took A Ride On Jefferson & Lived’ shirts

**washingdone** : are we implying here that thomas jefferson for some reason has a method of fucking that could end up in death

**sickofurshit** : that's exactly what we're implying

**ayyelmao** : you would know

**sickofurshit** : get the fuck off my case right now im mad at you you don't get to persecute me 

**elizaBABE** : I SMELLED GOSSIP IM AWAKE 

**mommy** : I wish I was 

**sigh** : I think I could crawl up Jeffersons loose asshole and sleep for a few months 

**macaroninfrance** : what

**sickofurshit** : imma have to agree with thomas on this one

**sickofurshit** : what 

**mommy** : aaron gets pretty incomprehensible when he’s tired and neither of us have slept for six days so 

**sigh** : down with the corrupt judicial free all the zoo animals 

**sigh** : i mean what did they even do to get locked up

**cinnamonroll** : I KNOW RIGHT?! 

**shadenlibertea** : annnnnnnnnnnnd now she's crying again 

**cinnamonroll** : ITS REALLY SAD LEAVE ME 

**shadenlibertea** : leave you? take the kids and just go? on henry I've been waiting to hear you say that for so long because I'm a depressed Malibu wine mom that shares minions memes on facebook and my meme collection was getting low

**gaytortoise** : so u just gonna expose my parents like this

**gaytortoise** : right in front of my salad? 

**dungoofed** : oh right your sperm donor is named henry 

**sigh** : Jesus alex

**gaytortoise** : no he's right the guys awful 

**sigh** : Jesus john 

**largebaguette** : I need to pull Georges out of school immediately 

**g.wash** : What? No you don't

**dancingdoll** : listen to the fucker 

**largebaguette** : I'M SPENDING SO MUCH TIME OUT OF HIS LIFE IM NOT THERE FOR HIM IM A DEADBEAT HE'S GONNA GROW UP TO HATE ME LIKE JOHN HATES HENRY I DON'T WANNA BE HENRY 

**g.wash** : Lafayette, John's father was abusive and homophobic. You're just sending your son to preschool.

**largebaguette** : when he grows up and gets tattoos and starts hanging out with people like us and starts dating someone with intolerably greasy hair I am going to hate you 

**dungoofed** : dragged 

**gaytortoise** : READ ME MAWMA 

**dungoofed** : john ew you don't do cliche gay right 

**dungoofed** : that's Laf

**largebaguette** : fuck you and your fucking apples 

**dungoofed** : do you promise? 

**g.wash** : Alex, leave the Friendly Flirting With Lafayette™ to Hercules, please.

**g.wash** : I will kill you and get away with it.

**daughtersnhorses** : IM WASHINGDADS FAVORITE SON PASS IT ON

**sigh** : choke on my whole dick all the shit I did for that man I'm his favorite 

**gaytortoise** : go fuck a cat burr I'm the most awesome

**sickofurshit** : I housesitted for him I've been in his intimidates so HA 

**g.wash** : I'm sorry, you've been in my what?

**largebaguette** : I'm marrying him I win 

**poogle** : we said son laf 

**largebaguette** : oh y'all really think that daddy kink thing is a joke

**largebaguette** : I see

**largebaguette** : carry on

**sunshinegirl** : my virgin ears 

**macaroninfrance** : he said y'all awww I love my little cousin

**sickofurshit** : abby you have a son 

**sunshinegirl** : MY METAPHORICALLY VIRGIN EARS 

**largebaguette** : eat a dick thomas 

**macaroninfrance** : aw <3 

**intenseninsane** : its sometime really sad bc thomas is really desperate to be liked by Laf so it really breaks his heart when Laf treats him like shit 

**dancingdoll** : OH HONEY? YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT DEPRESSING HONEY? OH HONEEEEEEEY MY HEART JUST BROKE HONEY 

**largebaguette** : you're using that meme wrong 

**largebaguette** : Tommy is this true? 

**macaroninfrance** : no 

**largebaguette** : so that's a yes 

**largebaguette** : I look up to you, Thomas. I always have. I treat you like shit because I'm… I'm jealous of you 

**macaroninfrance** : whaaaaaaaat 

**largebaguette** : yeah you have a hot smart wife and you're going to be a politician and you've got the looks and the style and the suave you made the family proud and I just 

**macaroninfrance** : Laf…

**fuckhamilton** :  not to be that guy but you ever hear of a private chat 

**fuckhamilton** : HAMILTON I HEARD YOU GROAN IN YOUR OFFICE 

**intenseninsane** : we all did go the fuck away 

**poogle** : its like you sense people being happy and rub your hands together evilly trying to plot ruining it

**dungoofed** : LITERALLY GO THE FUCK AWAY YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE FUCKING WORST I HOPE YOU SWALLOW A TRAIN AND SHIT OUT YOUR LUNGS I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH GO AWAY

**daughtersnhorses** : same but like more chill 

**gaytortoise** : Same But Like Only Slightly Less Angrily

**fuckhamilton** : _@washingdone @g.wash_ handle your heathen 

**g.wash** :  What the actual FUCK did you just call my son? I oughtta write a strongly worded letter to your superiors.

**fuckhamilton** : ooh 

**g.wash** : And then curb stop your face against a dirty pavement, you pleb.

**Private Messages — gwashmyman, margaret**

**gwashmyman** : Peggy! 

**margaret** : I made you sound badass shut up 

**Group Chat — #savemysoil2k17**

**washingdone** : wHO THE FUCK IS MESSING WITH MY BABIES

**largebaguette** : *clapping happily* I LOVE MAMA WASH 

**washingdone** : DON'T MAKE ME CUT YOU ADAMS 

**sunshinegirl** : guys be NICE to him! 

**gaytortoise** : guys DON'T be nice to him! 

**daughtersnhorses** : I'm just astounded at the fact that Lafayette typed “clapping happily” and I knew exactly which one of his claps he was doing 

**daughtersnhorses** : his excited little jump one while he represses a squeal in case you wondering 

**dungoofed** : we weren't considering we didn't fucking ask but okay 

**largebaguette** : oh mon cher, you know me so well! be still my beating heart! 

**daughtersnhorses** : only for you bb 

**elizaBABE** : I can't explain why I'm not mad at this because if it were anyone else I would be but I'm really not 

**poogle** : yeah I just think its those two in particular 

**g.wash** : Mhm.

**dungoofed** : reading up through the chat that I missed while hallucinating wASHINGTON CALLED ADAMS A PLEB IM FUCKING HOLLERING SJDLFJRB

**g.wash** : You… were hallucinating? 

**gaytortoise** : HE HASNT SLEPT IN A WEEK STRAIGHT 

**dungoofed** : EXPOSED 

**dungoofed** : you got me! 

**dungoofed** : That damned Quagmire! 

**dungoofed** : I mean Hamilton 

**dungoofed** : how many swamp monsters are you supposed to see in your line of vision at once 

**dungoofed** : wait no its fun one went away 

**fuckhamilton** : I smelt hamilton having a mental breakdown and here I am 

**sunshinegirl** : oh hon even I can't defend the gross horribleness of that one

**sigh** : please god dont little theo turn me into this 

**macaroninfrance** : Hamilton are you… are you okay man 

**macaroninfrance** : I'm worried

**cinnamonroll** : I'M FUCKING SPRINTING WITH NYQUIL, A BLANKET AND SOME HOT COCOA WHAT THE FUCK ALEX 

**dungoofed** : I'm fine

**gaytortoise** : he just purposefully walked into a wall convinced he could walk through it please hurry 

**cinnamonroll** : USAIN BOLT IN THIS BITCH

**dungoofed** : ok bye fickers eliza is making me sleep or whateve r

**g.wash** : My porn son.

**largebaguette** : I'm sorry your what son

**g.wash** : I HAVE BIG THUMBS I CLICKED R INSTEAD OF O.

**largebaguette** : you have a big everything ;) 

**macaroninfrance** : ffirst of all no sexting that I'm not a part of in the group chat

**macaroninfrance** : second of all r & o are on opposite sides of the keyboard 

**g.wash** : It’s a very small phone, Jefferson.

**g.wash:** But if you don't shut up, it will not be a very small foot up your ass.


	38. horseplay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan** : daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler** : poogle — ??? (y'all got any ideas for what she should do? I want peggy to live up to full awesomeness)  
 **George Washington** : g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
 **Elizabeth Sanders** : elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
 ** **Charles Lee** : **ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 

**dungoofed** : GODDAMNIT AARON BURR IM GONNA SHOVE YOUR HEAD UP JOHN ADAMS ASSHOLE AND MAKE YOU SNIFF HIS INTESTINES 

**sigh** : I can't read suddenly, I don't know 

**mommy** : what did you d o 

**sigh** : nOTHIG 

**dungoofed** : don't you fucking lie to your babymama 

**sigh** : she's not just my

**sigh** : never mind 

**mommy** : AARON BURR WHAT DID YOU DO 

**gaytortoise** : let's just say

**gaytortoise** : you done messed up A-a-ron! 

**sigh** : oh my god no that video comes back to haunt me again 

**mommy** : WHAT DID HE DO FOR FUCKS SAKE 

**dungoofed** : he handed Jefferson a baby in the middle of a very important meeting (your baby to be specific) and then let her cry for ten minutes while he tried to prepare a bottle

**dungoofed** : in short, the people of New York decided to have another prosecutor handle this case

**mommy** : WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BABYSITTER 

**sigh** : SHE WA S HITTING ON ME AND I PANICKED AND FIRED HER

**mommy** : GODDAMNIT YOU COULDNT BE HIT ON FOR THE SAKE OF OUR CHILD 

**sigh** : I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE THEODOSIA 

**mommy** : u right bUT STILL WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO

**poogle** : I recently dropped out of school so I have a lot of free time if you need a babysitter

**intenseninsane** : YOU DID WHAT

**poogle** : my instagram is getting really popular again

**dungoofed** : didnt you used to be a viner

**poogle** : yes and vine is coming back on instagram so 

**poogle** : and Herc is helping me drop hoodies with my catchphrase on it so its all good in the hood

**cinnamonroll** : oh my god my sister is gonna be a hobo

**poogle** : actually I have more followers than Laf

**largebaguette** : yeAH BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO SEE A MAN WITH AMAZING CHEEKBONES WING THE FUCK OUT OF HIS EYELINER BUT EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE A CUTE YOUNG GIRL JUMP OFF A FUCKING BUILDING AND NEARLY DIE PEGGY

**poogle** : I did that once and it was not that far of a drop

**cinnamonroll** : wait is that when you broke your arm

**intenseninsane** : YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE RIDING HORSES AND FELL OFF 

**poogle** : … 

**intenseninsane** : … 

**cinnamonroll** : …

**largebaguette** : … 

**daughtersnhorses** : why did everyone in the room look at ME

**poogle** : oh honey… 

**elizaBABE** : well I did catch you watching a horse show last night

**daughtersnhorses** : I DO NOT HAVE A HORSE FETISH

**largebaguette** : prove it bitch

**daughtersnhorses** : HOW DO I PROVE THAT

**dungoofed** : so you’re gonna make me do this huh?

**dungoofed** : horse.png

**g.wash** : Oh my god.

**washingdone** : and you all wonder why i never open this fucking chat

**fuckhamilton** : JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HAMILTON

**gaytortoise** : is that what i think it fuckin is

**dancingdoll** : that is a horses vagina yes that is john

**largebaguette** : ADRIENNE

**dancingdoll** : what?

**largebaguette** : YOU’RE BACK!

**dancingdoll** : i’ve been back

**largebaguette** : i’M FUCKING CRYING YOU CUNT WHEN DID YOU GET BACK

**dancingdoll** : when the writer decided to remember m--

**dancingdoll** : oh um last week

**largebaguette** : I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

**dancingdoll** : that is not my problem

**largebaguette** : I HATE YOU SO MUCH IM CRYING

**poogle** : so alex i show a horse vagina to you guys and crickets but i show a horse vagina to you guys and its “oh my god peggy no there are children” and “stop assaulting that poor horse” 

**cinnamonroll** : WHY ARE YOU ASSAULTING FEMALE HORSES PEGGY

**poogle** : i used to go to veterinary school elizabeth jesus fucking christ

**poogle** : im not HERC

**daughtersnhorses** : PONIES. THEY WERE PONIES. AND I WAS A CHILD. LET IT GO.

**largebaguette** : yes our dear hercules was very childish last year guys let it go

**daughtersnhorses** : i am going to end my actual fucking life.

**sickofurshit** : don't do that i need these horse roasting sessions

**daughtersnhorses** : booking flights back to ireland immediately 

**sickofurshit** : OKOKOK I’LL STOP

**ayyelmao** : SO HAS ANYONE HEARD ANTHONY RAMOS’ FREEDOM OR??????/// cause I JUST WANNA KNOW

**largebaguette** : BITCH ISSA BOP

**ayyelmao** : IT BETTER WIN THE FUCKING GRAMMYS 

**dungoofed** : who

**largebaguette** : ant.png 

**largebaguette** : ONLY THE SEXIEST MAN TO EVER LIVE 

**g.wash** : Sounds fake, but okay.

**dungoofed** : looks like John

**largebaguette** : i dont see it

**ayyelmao** : nope i cant see it

**gaytortoise** : that guy looks nothing like me that guy is hideous im hot

**largebaguette** : TAKE IT BACK

**gaytortoise** : NO 

**largebaguette** : on my way to kick some southern ass

**macaroninfrance** : OKAY LAF IM SORRY THAT I SLEPT WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND SEGUR ALL THOSE YEARS AGO I DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOU I JUST WAS DRUNK AND I WAS MAD AT YOU

**largebaguette** : WAIT YOU DID WHAT

**macaroninfrance** : oh you didnt mean my southern ass

**largebaguette** : NO BIG COUSIN I FUCKING DIDNT

**largebaguette** : OMW TO KICK TWO SOUTHERN ASSES 

**g.wash** : I think he’s serious, this is the first time I’ve seen him in sneakers since his grandmother passed. 

**dancingdoll** : LAF BABY DOLL IF YOU KILL THOMAS THEN YOU’RE UNINVITED TO CHRISTMAS

**largebaguette** : UM?????????

**dancingdoll** : IM CANCELLING CHRISTMAS IF YOU DO IT

**dancingdoll** : THOMAS APOLOGIZE FOR KISSING SEGUR

**macaroninfrance** : I sincerely apologize.

**largebaguette** : You’re a dick. An absolute asshole. I want to not be related to you.

**macaroninfrance** : no you dont

**largebaguette** : im not gonna forgive you 

**macaroninfrance** : you dont have to i really am sorry

**sickofurshit** : so guys whats up hows life im james madison yes i am and im here to relieve the tensionsity

**sigh** : oh my god

**sickofurshit** : tensionsity

**macaroninfrance** : god i love you james

**sickofurshit** : T E N S I O N S I T Y

**ayyelmao** : so cute

**poogle** : ikr 

**dungoofed** : he is the cutest ever a round of applause for james madison’s existence

**g.wash** : I think he means tension and intensity at the same time.

**g.wash** : Yes, he is very, um…

**g.wash** : God, what is that word Eliza taught me?

**g.wash:** Smol.

**sickofurshit** : did george washington just call me small

**dungoofed** : no smol

**ayyelmao** : whats the difference

**cinnamonroll** : small is a way of being but smol is a way of living

**cinnamonroll** : a damn lifestyle

**intenseninsane** : abby? Smol.

**sunshinegirl** : <3

**intenseninsane** : john? Small.

**gaytortoise** : excuse me i am smol

**dungoofed** : AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA 

**gaytortoise** : tell me alex do u think our lumpy ass couch is good sleep material

**dungoofed** : o

**intenseninsane** : eliza? Smol.

**intenseninsane** : peggy? Small.

**intenseninsane** : thomas? Tol.

**intenseninsane** : laf? Tall.

**intenseninsane** : way of life

**macaroninfrance** : excuse u i am Tall

**cinnamonroll** : Thomas you are puppies if puppies could also be cats 

**poogle** : you’re just a really big, tall, dumb dog 

**largebaguette** : yeah he’s a dog alright 

**sickofurshit** : a big dumb dog he’s those dogs that really believe they’re small and slobber everywhere and everyone loves them

**macaroninfrance** : enough of this

**g.wash** : Look at his little puppy face.

**shadenlibertea** : speaking of looking at things, why are we all texting in a room that we’re all in

****sunshinegirl** : **OH YEAH 


	39. mean girlz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little revenge @ seabury

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — ???  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommytobe — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
****Charles Lee:**** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

  **dungoofed:** oh my FUCKING god

 **dungoofed:** John Laurens is so FUCKING perfect what the SHIT

 **elizaBABE:** smite me down now lord

 **dungoofed:** john.png

 **daughtersnhorses:** is he napping in a turtle onesie

 **cinnamonroll:** that's

 **cinnamonroll:** that's fucking cute

 **dancingdoll:** i hate to admit it but he’s fucking adorable

 **intenseninsane:** i change my mind john is smol

 **sickofurshit:** nice chapter callback

 **macaroninfrance:** i change my mind angelica is cancelled

 **macaroninfrance:** now holding spouse auditions

 **intenseninsane** : babe

 **macaroninfrance:** need a new wife asap

 **intenseninsane:** thomas are you gonna let me explain

 **macaroninfrance:** explain what angelica you up and fucking moving to london in the middle of the goddamn night and leaving me here, thinking that you’re fucking leaving me?? what is there to explain?

 **cinnamonroll:** YOU DIDNT TELL HIM

 **intenseninsane:** he’s been so sweet lately and we’ve been so happy i panicked i couldn’t do it

 **intenseninsane:** it was gonna be like kicking a puppy

 **macaroninfrance:** i’d rather you kick me than just leave me stranded in america with no way of getting to you anytime soon

 **macaroninfrance:** i could’ve made arrangements to move with you!

 **intenseninsane:** i know thomas im sorry

 **fuckhamilton:** so

 **fuckhamilton:** about that private chat

 **intenseninsane:** shut the fuck up.

 **dungoofed:** oh god i think i just nat

 **daughtersnhorses:** just what?

 **dungoofed:** nat

 **poogle:** do…

 **poogle:** do you mean nutted

 **shadenlibertea:** or nut

 **dungoofed:** you: nutted/nut me, an intellectual: nat

 **g.wash:** I believe the phrase is nut.

 **cinnamonroll:** im gonna actually vomit how the fuck do you know

 **intenseninsane:** look who he is marrying and ask that again

 **largebaguette:** quoi? that has nothing to do with me, i prefer to say cum/came

 **sigh:** i prefer to say ejaculate

 **intenseninsane:** wow what the fuck burr

 **intenseninsane:** no wonder you’ve only been laid twice in your entire life

 **sigh:** yes angelica it has to do with the way i refer to the process of producing semen from the tip of my dick nothing to do with me being ace ofc

 **mommy:** drag her babe

 **intenseninsane:** theo?!111!?/!//!??!1??1/1!??!//!//1/??!

 **mommy:** what you did to thomas is really fucked up angelica i am officially not on your side

 **shadenlibertea:** imma have to side with theo

 **sunshinegirl:** me too

 **dancingdoll:** i hate thomas and i gotta go with my girl theo on this

 **largebaguette:** how you say

 **largebaguette:** ditto

 **intenseninsane:** YOU’RE FLUENT

 **cinnamonroll:** yikes™

 **intenseninsane:** CINNAMONROLL SIS?

 **cinnamonroll:** yeah… it’s really fucked up angie

 **intenseninsane:** at least i still have peggy

 **poogle:** whosaidthat.gif

 **intenseninsane:** wow really

 **poogle:** yes really you need to repent

 **g.wash:** I’m very disappointed in you, Angelica. You’re better than this. I expect this behavior of Gilbert, or Alexander, or maybe even Margaret. But not of you.

 **intenseninsane:** oh

 **washingdone:** yikes™

 **poogle:** wow gwash high expectations here for your favorite group chat child huh

 **dungoofed:** talk about hurt feelings

 **shadenlibertea:** he even expects it of his future husband jesus fucking christ

 **g.wash:** Gilbert and all related to him are, and pardon me here, fucking crazy.

 **largebaguette:** this is true

 **largebaguette:** i am a fucking psychopath

 **dancingdoll:** we all are

 **macaroninfrance:** yes. we are. something angelica would do well to remember.

 **intenseninsane:** babe? can we talk? on skype? Please?

 **macaroninfrance:** whatever.

 **sickofurshit:** hello yes i am james madison yes i am and i am here to relieve the tensionsity

 **sickofurshit** _has added_ **s.sea** _to the group chat_

 **ayyelmao:** JAMES WHAT

 **cinnamonroll:** HOW DOES THIS RELIEVE TENSIONSITY

 **sickofurshit:** THIS JOB HAS A LOT OF PRESSURE I PANICKED

 **s.sea** _has changed his username to_ **seaburyyourbody**

 **seaburyyourbody:** oh i see the whole gang is here

 **seaburyyourbody:** hi lafayette

 **largebaguette:** manger mon cul enculé

 **seaburyyourbody:** is that some sort of french greeting

 **dancingdoll:** oui oui c'est toi morceau de merde

 **dungoofed:** cackling

 **macaroninfrance:** regarder déchirer ce baiseur à part

 **seaburyyourbody:** why is everyone speaking french

 **g.wash:** They can’t speak english, Seabury.

 **seaburyyourbody:** then what the hell are they doing in america?

 **macaroninfrance:** l'arrière de votre cou ressemble à un biscuit à l'avoine

 **seaburyyourbody:** are they talking about me?

 **cinnamonroll:** do they have a reason to be talking about you?

 **seaburyyourbody:** no of course not

 **shadenlibertea:** so why would they be?

 **seaburyyourbody:** i dont know i feel like they are

 **dancingdoll:** samuel tu ressembles à hey arnold

 **largebaguette:** lmao oui! tête de football cul

 **seaburyyourbody:** they are talking about me!

 **daughtersnhorses:** wow i wonder why

 **seaburyyourbody:** I DO NOT LOOK LIKE HEY ARNOLD

 **largebaguette:** YES YOU DO YOU FUCKN SPAZ GET THE FUCK UP OUTTA OUR GROUP CHAT

 **seaburyyourbody** _has left the group chat_

 **largebaguette:** i feel like i needed this roasting session for closure

 **sickofurshit:** that was mean guys

 **largebaguette:** why do you care? it was mean what he did to me!

 **sickofurshit:** you can’t fight fire with fire that’s fucked up

 **sickofurshit:** he just needs a little guidance

 **dancingdoll:** he could guide his ass to a barber and fix that 2006 Pierce the Veil ass haircut

 **sickofurshit:** sometimes i wonder why the fuck im friends with you

 **sickofurshit:** you wouldn’t want someone to do it to you

 **dancingdoll:** he had his chance to be on our good side

 **ayyelmao:** idk james is right that was fucked up :/

 **macaroninfrance:** i told him he would regret what he did

 **cinnamonroll:** hello i am eliza schuyler yes i am and i’m here to relieve the tensionsity

 **cinnamonroll:** john.png

 **cinnamonroll:** a smol sleepin turtle

 **sickofurshit:** you can’t laugh this off eliza it’s not funny

 **elizaBABE** : so are we just not gonna acknowledge that alexander nut to something angelica said

 **dungoofed** : nat

 ** **elizaBABE** : **literally no one agrees with you so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: ROASTING PEOPLE THAT DO NOT WILLINGLY ENTER A ROAST SESSION IS BULLYING PEOPLE DO NOT DO THIS TO PEOPLE THEY ARE BEING ASSHOLES BECAUSE THEY ARE FLAWED PEOPLE PLS DO NOT ROAST SOMEONE THAT HAS PISSED YOU OFF UNLESS ITS DURING A CONTROLLED ROAST SESSION THX
> 
> Translations: 
> 
> oui c'est toi morceau de merde -- yes, yes it is piece of shit
> 
> manger mon cul ecule -- eat my ass cocksucker
> 
> regarder déchirer ce baiseur à part -- watch up rip this fucker apart
> 
> l'arrière de votre cou ressemble à un biscuit à l'avoine -- the back of your neck looks like an oatmeal cookie
> 
> samuel tu ressembles à hey arnold -- samuel you look like hey arnold
> 
> lmao oui! tête de football cul -- lmao yes! football head ass


	40. guess who's back (back again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought I was done with the mess but ig not. Lets goooooooooo.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — ???  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

  **g.wash** : lafayettedress.vid

 **g.wash** : lafayettetux.vid

 **dancingdoll** : wow he looks so good in both!

 **g.wash** : He knows, thats why he needs your help deciding.

 **daughtersnhorses** : I say the tux but he won't listen to me

 **cinnamonroll** : I like the dress! Its sparkly!

 **intenseninsane** : which one is easier for fucking

 **g.wash** : So, I'll tell him we've decided on the dress!

 **dungoofed** : EW, YOU ALL ARE SO NASTY!

 **thomasthespankengine** : y'all

 **dungoofed** : Kill yourself.

 **cinnamonroll** : ALEXANDER.

 **dungoofed** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **cinnamonroll** : :( @ Alex

 **largebaguette** : ALEX O NO

 **dungoofed** : I’M SO SAD! I HAVE FAILED HER! I DUN GOOFED BOI!

 **cinnamonroll** : will you be nice now?

 **dungoofed** : yes eliza

 **cinnamonroll** : thank

 **macaroninfrance** : alex

 **dungoofed** : What, bitch?

 **cinnamonroll** : exasperated sighing

 **sigh** : same Eliza

 **sigh** : same

 **thomasthespankengine** : I need to private message you unblock me

 **dancingdoll** : why does he have you blocked??

 **thomasthespankengine** : I may have spread a rumor that he has four nipples

 **intenseninsane** : Thomas,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 **thomasthespankengine** : it was hilarious everyone kept trying to get him to take his shirt off

 **thomasthespankengine** : why did you think I have a new account

 **daughtersnhorses** : you know he's self conscious about his coffee gut >:[

 **thomasthespankengine** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **thomasthespankengine** : seriously tho unblock me its important

**Private Messages — t.jeff, a.ham**

**a.ham** : what

 **t.jeff** : so you know that in college, John & I had a fling

 **t.jeff** : and you know because of that we have a special type of bond

 **a.ham** : yeah so?

 **t.jeff** : he confides in me a lot, alex, and he feels as though you are falling out of love with him

 **a.ham** : what?! why would he feel that!?

 **t.jeff** : lately  you've been working more than usual and you never take time to spend time with him unless we're doing something as a group. and every time he tries to show you affection, you shrink away

 **a.ham** : that's not because I don't love him!

 **a.ham** : I… I wanna marry him.

 **a.ham** : and I'm afraid if we get too much time alone, I'll blurt it out. you know I'm awful with secrets

 **t.jeff** : I know

 **t.jeff** : you know what this means?

 **t.jeff** : we need to plan a special event. get you two in a tux and have a fancy party

 **t.jeff** : I know just the occasion

**Group Chat — #JohnAdamsIsCancelled**

**fuckhamilton** : can we change the group chat name?

 **g.wash** : No.

 **cinnamonroll** : rt

 **intenseninsane** : rt

 **shadenlibertea** : rt

 **poogle** : rt

 **mommy** : yikes even Washington isn't on your side

 **fuckhamilton** : sigh

 **sigh** : don't call on me, bud, I'm not on your side either

 **macaroninfrance** : god it feels good to be back on my old account

 **macaroninfrance** : hey, Adri, are you still having that big fancy royal party in Auvergne?

 **dancingdoll** : you mean the fancy shmancy ball held in my honor after me & my troupe perform for the President of France?

 **macaroninfrance** : are there other big fancy royal parties that i could've been talking about?

 **dancingdoll** : no but the readers needed context

 **macaroninfrance** : anyways, yes that

 **dancingdoll** : of course, why?

 **macaroninfrance** : you think you can get everyone in the group tickets to go see you?

 **dancingdoll** : should be easy enough. if you all can pay for your flights, we can stay at my father's estate

 **macaroninfrance** : I'll buy everyone's tickets

 **cinnamonroll** : wait, do we get a say in this? what about the kids? they don't have the appropriate attire for this

 **shadenlibertea** : hell, I don't have the appropriate attire for this

 **intenseninsane** : and we can't just drop everything & go,babe. we have jobs!

 **dancingdoll** : the event will be during Christmas break. we can celebrate at the estate. my parents won't be there, they go to Hawaii for Christmas every year.

 **dancingdoll** : as for clothes, send me the kids &  your measurements and i can get some really nice dresses & tux’s made very quickly

 **poogle** : in that case, I'm game

 **poogle** : I'm also back in school, guys. I've decided to go into Journalism, though. I want to work for a magazine

 **cinnamonroll** : a Christmas miracle

 **daughtersnhorses** : if Peggy is going, me & Beth are in

 **gaytortoise** : I'm down. I got Christmas off because I worked Thanksgiving, so I'm free

 **dungoofed** : sure, I'll go

 **largebaguette** : George & I were going anyways. This is a big deal for my sister!

 **macaroninfrance** : everyone else?

 **sigh** : they say France is beautiful this time of year

 **mommy** : let's do it!

 **sunshinegirl** : yeah!

 **cinnamonroll** : fine

 **shadenlibertea** : sure!

 **intenseninsane** : I relent, let's go

 **washingdone** : make sure to get a ticket for Jack, too! (this means I'm going)

 **fuckhamilton** : I'll go, but we'll be paying for a hotel, thank you. Two weeks alone in a house with Hamilton, no matter how large, would be torture.

 **dancingdoll** : i wasn't gonna let you stay with us anyways you were just gonna freeze

 **sickofurshit** : if I say no, Thomas would never let me live it down so sure

 **ayyelmao** : got nothing better to do :/

 **macaroninfrance** : fantastic! everyone start packing, this'll be fun!

**Private Messages — t.jeff, a.ham**

**a.ham** : I can't believe this is happening

 **a.ham** : do you think Laf will be mad?

 **t.jeff** : of course not

 **t.jeff** : he & george eloped weeks ago, they're only making a spectacle of it for George’s publicity as he begins his campaign for Mayor.

**Group Chat — #JohnAdamsIsCancelled**

**largebaguette** : wait!

****largebaguette** : we never decided if I should wear a tux or a suit! **


	41. the dad friend dilemma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I... honestly don't know anymore

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
****Charles Lee:** ** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

  **largebaguette** : ALEX COMES INTO MY HOUSE

 **largebaguette** : HE INSULTS MY BAGUETTE

 **dungoofed** : its Georges house and I told you that if you buy those baguette slippers I'd roast you

 **dungoofed** : thomas jefferson head ass

 **largebaguette** : :( theyre fckn cute u piece of shit :(

 **dungoofed** : sike u thought

 **macaroninfrance** : how did I get drug into this

 **dungoofed** : spongebobchicken.jpg

 **dungoofed** : Ho W dID eYe g eT dRUg inTo thIs

 **dungoofed** : shut the fuck up

 **gaytortoise** : someone is in a bad mood today

 **dungoofed** : casse-toi

 **largebaguette** : THAT'S COPYRIGHTED

 **macaroninfrance** : what's wrong, Hamilton?

 **dungoofed** : YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG

 **largebaguette** : DAAAD HAMMY IS BEING MEAN

 **daughtersnhorses** : now, son…

 **g.wash** : What's wrong, son?

 **fuckhamilton** : …

 **macaroninfrance** : …

 **sickofurshit** : yikes™

 **dancingdoll** : what just happened

 **gaytortoise** : Dad Friend™ Conflict

 **gaytortoise** : before Alex started hanging with George, Herc was Dad Friend

 **gaytortoise** : but obvi Wash is Dad Friend too

 **poogle** : Laf calls Wash daddy so he's dad friend

 **largebaguette** : I call Hercules Daddy too :/

 **poogle** : you disgusting kinky fuck

 **largebaguette** : alas, i am a hoe :(

 **dungoofed** : BEGONE THOT

 **largebaguette** has been removed from the chat

 **intenseninsane** : god damnit, alex you go too far for memes

 **intenseninsane** has added **largebaguette** to the chat

 **cinnamonroll** : Herc has known them longer so by default…

 **largebaguette** : actually, John & I met George & Herc around the same time

 **largebaguette** : Herc was orienteering as a bouncer the night George pulled my tights & John was there for the debut

 **shadenlibertea** : laf you're not helpful

 **largebaguette** : desolé

 **dungoofed** : I'm not calling either of them “Dad”

 **gaytortoise** : yeah I'm his only Daddy

 **dungoofed** : I!!!!

 **sigh** : Alexander just turned an alarming shade of red

 **sigh** : oh that's why

 **sigh** : what are we talking about?

 **intenseninsane** : can't you read up

 **sigh** : I have a newborn. Straining my thumbs by scrolling up just isn't worth it

 **cinnamonroll** : who's the Dad Friend™? George or Hercules?

 **sigh:** me

 **mommy** : you tried to shoot a candle with gun and almost set our apartment on fire no

 **sigh** : shit u rite

 **dungoofed** : he did that same shit in college goddamnit aaron

 **sigh** : alas, i am an idiot

 **largebaguette** : why can’t they both be Dad Friend™? George can take the Schuyler Sisters, Herc can take the RevSet and they can share the ShitBags

 **largebaguette** :  i mean

 **largebaguette** : aaron, james and thomas

 **sickofurshit** : gettin real sick of ur shit laf

 **largebaguette** : :)

 **g.wash** : That seems… fair.

 **daughtersnhorses** : yes it does actually

 **daughtersnhorses** : come to papa my children

 **cinnamonroll** : whispers

 **cinnamonroll** : don’t

 **elizaBABE** : wait what about the rest of us?

 **dungoofed** : irrelevant.

 **elizaBABE** : your fucking face is irrelevant

 **dungoofed** : my face has been in magazines babe what about yours?

 **macaroninfrance** : Famous Twinks™ doesn’t really count…

 **dungoofed** : NO PUBLICITY IS BAD PUBLICITY

 **gaytortoise** : oh honey

 **gaytortoise** : oh honeyyyy

 **dancingdoll** : alex you were in what

 **macaroninfrance** : _htttp://famoustwinkmag.com_

 **macaroninfrance** : famous twinks

 **macaroninfrance** : its about famous male men that like other men

 **macaroninfrance** : and most featured are twinks

 **sickofurshit** : thomas has a weekly subscription

 **ayyelmao** : decent content tho

 **intenseninsane** : i can’t fucking believe

 **gaytortoise** : first of all. who the fuck thought my fuckn loser boyfriend was famous lmfao

 **gaytortoise** : second of all, why the fuck did my fuckn loser boyfriend agree to be called a twink

 **gaytortoise** : third of all, why the fuck does thomas jefferson subscribe to a twink magazine

 **daughtersnhorses** : i mean… he’s thomas… and the other’s alex… are we really surprised?

 **cinnamonroll** : alex will do anything for positive validation guys come on

 **dungoofed** : what

 **intenseninsane** : yeah he’s been cast aside and glanced over all his life he just wants to feel special

 **dungoofed** : whoa wait guys slow down

 **gaytortoise** : he just wants to be special despite the faint thoughts that he’s not

 **dungoofed** : stop we’re getting too real

 **g.wash** : #Tea

 ******dungoofed** : ****goddamnit


	42. i scream you scream we all scream for

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We need to put an END to Jorge Washingman and Arlin Burrito in 2k18 GODDAMNIT

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
****Charles Lee:** ** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

  **g.wash:** I've made a mistake.

 **largebaguette** : a big fucking mistake

 **washingdone** : Washington done goofed

 **dungoofed** : IMPOSSIBLE

 **dungoofed** : HE IS PERFECT AND PURE AND CAN DO NO WRONG

 **poogle** : this is gonna be good

 **largebaguette** : no no no alex you don't understand

 **largebaguette** : he fucked up BAD

 **g.wash:** I… should have my credit cards removed from my possession.

 **washingdone** : YOU THINK?!?!

 **mommy** : is this worse than the time my boyfriend spent almost 80 dollars on a coconut?

 **sigh** : like an ass.

 **cinnamonroll** : the biggest ass

 **sigh** : you know, you could let it go though

 **macaroninfrance** : I'm sorry burr you did what

 **sigh** : it was a REALLY nice coconut

 **mommy** : he got conned into thinking it had healing powers

 **sigh** : THEODOSIA.

 **mommy** : you deserve to be shamed for this

 **intenseninsane** : this is the best thing I've heard in ages oh my God

 **dungoofed** : i wanna know how the fuck eliza knew about this and we didn’t

 **cinnamonroll** : or what about the time burr had bedbugs, tried to get rid of them, got into a fight with them, and then slept on the floor for five hours

 **sigh** : l i s t e n

 **mommy** : the other night, after someone at work called him an ‘ugly bald egg’ he was reading theodosia stories from when he wrote short stories and finished with ‘your ugly, affectionate, father’

 **sickofurshit** : aaron burr is such a headass

 **sigh** : exposed

 **cinnamonroll** : when we were dating, he tried to kiss the mailman that delivered him a present and letter from me

 **shadenlibertea** : honestly,,,,, a FAT ASS mood

 **dancingdoll** : jesus fucking christ burr are you even a real person or just a sentient meme

 **sigh** : i'm problematic that's what i am

 **largebaguette** : its worse than ALL OF THAT

 **largebaguette** : jesus christ burr get help

 **sigh** : i probably should

 **washingdone** : well,,,, you’re gonna love this one, aaron

 **largebaguette** : my wonderful fiance spent nearly 5100 DOLLARS

 **largebaguette** : ON BEN & JERRYS ICE CREAM

 **gaytortoise** : WASHINGTON WHAT

 **dungoofed** : o no

 **sickofurshit** : im sorry did i read that right

 **sigh** : oh boy

 **mommy** : i… don’t even know how…

 **dancingdoll** : god washington IS an idiot jesus fucking christ

 **cinnamonroll** : IM FUCKING CACKLING

 **poogle** : THIS IS AMAZING

 **daughtersnhorses** : HONESTLY I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU SPEND 5100 DOLLARS ON ICE CREAM

 **g.wash** : I am stocking up for the summer, it is simple.

 **largebaguette** : george honey

 **largebaguette** : NO

 **gaytortoise** : the summer is like, five months away george what the fuck

 **washingdone** : washingDONE with his shit amirite

 **g.wash** : u rite

 **dungoofed** : stop teaching george memes guys its not funny

 **g.wash** : so…

 **g.wash:** anyone up for an ice cream party?

 **sigh** : i’ll bring the coconuts

 **ayyelmao** : jesus christ i hate you people

 ** ** **sickofurshit** : ****rt for good luck in 2018


	43. the big day pt.I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone knows the Schuyler Sisters, right? Angelica, Eliza and... *reads smuged writing on hand* Parsely.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
****Charles Lee:**** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

  **dungoofed** : I'd never seen adrienne dance until now and honestly I need to repent for my sins

 **dancingdoll** : uwu tank u senpai

 **dungoofed** : don't push it

 **sigh** : I think what Hamilton is trying to say is: you're good. really good.

 **dancingdoll** : oui? you think the president will like it?

 **shadenlibertea** : darling, he'd been an idiot not to

 **dancingdoll** : you can't just call the president an idiot ria

 **shadenlibertea** : if he says one bad thing about ur performance I will so

 **cinnamonroll** : honestly everyone things Alex is the Fight Me™ friend but its really Maria

 **gaytortoise** : I'm sorry, the Fight Me friend?

 **cinnamonroll** : yeah every friend group has the stereotype. Fight Me™, Wine Mom™, Vodka Aunt™, Mom Friend™, Mom Friend But Gayer™, Dad Friend™, Dad Friend But Gayer™, Sassafras™, Actual Ice Cold Heart™, Sad Friend™, Sick Friend™, Always Cold™ and Loser™.

 **sickofurshit** : tag yourself I'm Always Cold™

 **macaroninfrance** : no you're Sick Friend™ and Charles is Always Cold™

 **ayyelmao** : I'M ANEMIC

 **dungoofed** : I'm Sassafras™

 **poogle** : um have u met me

 **dungoofed** : shit you right

 **gaytortoise** : Alex is the Loser lbr

 **dungoofed** : babe!!!!! i!!!! am betrayed!!!!!!!!

 **gaytortoise** : you're my loser tho

 **dungoofed** : Significantly Less So But Still Betrayed

 **gaytortoise** : HONEY YOU POSED FOR A TWINK MAGAZINE

 **dungoofed** : GODDAMNIT NO PUBLICITY IS BAD PUBLICITY

 **gaytortoise** : someone get your mans

 **macaroninfrance** : that's your mans

 **gaytortoise** : shit you right

 **poogle** : Ew

 **poogle** : also I can't believe I'm studying for finals on vacation

 **poogle** : I just want to jump off a bridge

 **daughtersnhorses** : as long as you land on this dick

 **gaytortoise** : “ew” - poogle cir. 2018

 **poogle** : block me Herc

 **daughtersnhorses** : LAF AND GEORGE DO IT ALL THE TIME

 **daughtersnhorses** : THEY'RE GIVING EACH OTHER BEDROOM EYES AS WE SPEAK

 **poogle** : yeah but its like,,,, expected of them

 **cinnamonroll** : yeah you're supposed to be pure

 **intenseninsane** : smh you're no longer an honorary Schuyler sister

 **daughtersnhorses** : THIS IS BLASPHEMY

 **shadenlibertea** : wait if Herc is an honorary Schuyler sister, wouldn't Heggy be incestuous

 **sickofurshit** : kermittea.gif

 **poogle** : wow maria you're fun at parties aren't you

 **shadenlibertea** : you'd know, Schuyler

 **cinnamonroll** : wait what

 **poogle** : YOU GET DRUNK OFF FOUR LOKO IN A DRUG DEALERS BASEMENT O N C E AND NEVER GET TO LIVE IT DOWN

 **shadenlibertea** : once? more like thrice

 **poogle** : I never learn

 **poogle** : so anyone want a quickie

 **daughtersnhorses** : a what

 **ayyelmao** : this conversation took a hard right off into a deep abyss

 **poogle** : a quickie

 **elizaBABE** : count me IN

 **poogle** : okay laf Beth wants a quickie

 **elizaBABE** : WAIT WHAT

 **largebaguette** : mon dieu piglet its QUICHE

 **poogle** : the French language was made to torment me

 **largebaguette** : IM GIVING QUICHES NOT QUICKIES

 **g.wash** : Damn. What a disappointment.

 **dungoofed** : SIR

 **gaytortoise** : p-piglet…

 **cinnamonroll** : did you mean PUGLEY

 **intenseninsane** : I'm sorry he obviously meant porpoise

 **sickofurshit** : paragraph?

 **macaroninfrance** : PARKING SPACE

 **poogle** : goddamnit my own SISTERS

 **poogle** : disowned

 **largebaguette** : I am making quiche for those interested

 **dancingdoll** : wow practicing my routine in a fancy house with all my friends while my brother makes quiche on the day I perform for the President

 **dancingdoll** : am I dreaming?

 **intenseninsane** : no dear, this is real

 **dancingdoll** : holy shit

 **g.wash** : Holy shit, indeed.

 **washingdone** : are you sure you're all set for today Adrienne?

 **dancingdoll** : no

 **dancingdoll** : I mean yes but also no

 **poogle** : you'll do fine! you've been practicing for months!

 **dancingdoll** : thanks pumpkin

 **poogle** : gODDAMNIT

 **dungoofed** : I gotta run to the store real quick. Thomas, care to show me the way

 **macaroninfrance** : you have GPS on your phone

 **dungoofed** : THOMAS.

 **macaroninfrance** : ugh but angelicas so waaaaaaarm

 **intenseninsane** : I see you got over ur anger fast

 **macaroninfrance** : shut up before I abandon you for Hamilton

 **dungoofed** : god I hate you ThomASS

 **macaroninfrance** : john remove your boyfriend from my presence immediately

 **largebaguette** : I'll take him, someone just watch my quickies

 **poogle** : so this is just roast peggy day huh

 **gaytortoise** : good because I don't know what Thomas thought I was gonna do about actual lion Salamander Pan of Ham

 **dungoofed** : john,,,,,you wound me,,,,,,

 **dungoofed** : also remember when we first got here and you could understand Laf through his accent???

 **dungoofed** : Pepperidge Farm remembers

 **largebaguette** : my accent is NOT that BAD we've been here for a DAY

 **poogle** : I'm sorry all I'm hearing is “oui oui hon hon hon baguette”

 **largebaguette** : shut up pomegranate

 **g.wash** : I think your accent is lovely, my dear.

 **poogle** : EYe thEEnK yOUr AXXEEcenT iS LOvelY MYe DEer

 **g.wash** : Huh. I didn't know Poodles could talk.

 **sickofurshit** : JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

 **daughtersnhorses** : FROM OUR VERY OWN GROUP CHAT DAD

 **gaytortoise** : GAHTDAMN THAT'S A SPICY MEME RIGHT THERE

 **cinnamonroll** : I JUST SPIT

 **poogle** : *stuffing breadsticks in my purse* I need to leave immediately

**Private Messages — t.jeff, a.ham**

**t.jeff** : you ready to do this HamMan?

 **a.ham** : I hate you

 **t.jeff** : xoxo

 **a.ham** : yeah I think I am. everything in place?

 **t.jeff** : yup. All you have to do is get John into position

 **a.ham** : are we going to regret this?

 **t.jeff** :

 **a.ham** : that message is empty thomas

 ** **t.jeff** : **I know


	44. the big day pt.II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They will never be satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY HERE :) I AM SO SORRY GUYS I AM A M E S S BUT ITS HERE and its sad lmfao
> 
> also I hate to self-promo but can you guys go check out my drabble collection and drop prompts? I want to get back into writing seriously too and try out new ships and stuff so like... yeah

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

  **intenseninsane** : okay who the fuck planned this

 **intenseninsane** : alex isn't smart enough to have planned this shit so who planned it

 **gaytortoise** : I also want answers

 **dungoofed** : John? U dont think I'm smart?

 **gaytortoise** : to shut down the lights at an show with the President of France, nearly cause terroristic levels of panic, only to propose to me under a fucking spotlight littered with rose petals after using an old smoke grenade to make sexy smoke? You didnt plan that alone

 **largebaguette** : I hope you're happy that we got BANNED from FRANCE for this shit

 **largebaguette** : MY HOME IS THERE YOU FUCKING WALNUT

 **dungoofed** : worth

 **largebaguette** : nO?

 **g.wash:** Who planned this, Alexander?

 **dungoofed** : they'll kill me if I say

 **cinnamonroll** : PEGGY

 **cinnamonroll** : IMMA KILL U

 **poogle** : what?!?! IT WASNT ME

 **cinnamonroll** : he said “they” and ur the only nb person in this GC

 **daughtersnhorses** : Peggy is NB?

 **poogle** : GODDAMNIT HE MEANT A GENDER NEUTRAL TERM SO WE WOULDN'T KNOW THE GENDER OF WHO DID IT AND NARROW DOWN THE SUSPECTS U FUCKING EGG

 **cinnamonroll** : oh my god

 **cinnamonroll** : Im so sorry

 **cinnamonroll** has changed her name to **dungoofed**

 **dungoofed** : wait what

 **dungoofed** : this is my shame

 **dungoofed** : eliza no

 **dungoofed** : also being me isnt a shame??????

 **dungoofed** : yes

 **sigh** : am I havin a stroke

 **mommy** : YOU JUST GOT US BANNED FROM FRANCE BEING YOU IS CERTAINLY A SHAME

 **poogle** : my sister outed me and we got banned from france in the same day

 **poogle** : … is my life a dream

 **Group Chat** — **perfect polys**

 **bethy** : babe…

 **peggy** : can we… not? Like not now? When we get home, please? I need to think

 **hercy** : you know we love you no matter what right baby girl?

 **hercy** : sorry!!! Sorry, baby*

 **peggy** : yeah i know… i love you both, too… i just need to think a bit please

 **bethy** : take your time. We’re here if you need anything AT ALL

**Group Chat — #JohnAdamsIsCancelled**

**macaroninfrance** : I wish peggy, I wish

 **gaytortoise** : okay Alex who helped you

 **dungoofed** : I can't actually say

 **dungoofed** : they'd murder me

 **washingdone** : guess we have to tell what all of our recent conversations with Alex have been

 **gaytortoise** : I'm talking Alex’s phone so that I can check and make sure no one deleted anything

 **gaytortoise** : obviously I didn't help plan my own proposal, but I'll go first

 **gaytortoise** : according to alex’s phone i told him i loved him and sent him a bunch of sweet romantic emojis

 **cinnamonroll** : pure

 **poogle** : wholesome

 **intenseninsane** : cinnamon rolls

**Private Messages — The Schuyler Sisters**

_(17hrs ago)_ **peggy** changed her username to **andpeggy**

 **eliza** : pegs… are we… are we okay?

 **andpeggy** : absolutely fucking not

 **eliza** : i’m really sorry peggy i promise

 **andpeggy** : you should be.

 **eliza** : can i make it up to you?

 **andpeggy** : i need time, eliza. To think. To figure out what comes next. Can we at least get back to fucking america?

 **eliza** : yes. I’m sorry,

 **andpeggy** : ok.

**Group Chat — #JohnAdamsIsCancelled**

**gaytortoise** : lets see… who else?

 **gaytortoise** : lafayette and alex texted about the hot guy on aisle four… and alex made a crude joke about baguettes and donut holes…

 **gaytortoise** : lmfao - alex

 **dungoofed** : ew alex why are u like this

 **sigh** : i too want to know the answer to that question

 **gaytortoise** : laf was involved too! He was totally checking out that guys dick print! - alex

 **g.wash** : Oh, really?

 **largebaguette** : désolé je ne parle pas anglais

 **Private Messages — moncœur** **_,_ ** **sunshine**

 **moncœur** : You just wait until we get home.

 **sunshine** : has anyone ever told you you’re a damned tease?

**Group Chat — #JohnAdamsIsCancelled**

**gaytortoise** : alex had a fight with peggy over whether mileena or kitana is more badass… fckn nerds

 **poogle** : the correct answer is kitana

 **gaytortoise** : its kitana u bitch - alex

 **dungoofed** : dont call my sibling a binch, binch

 **gaytortoise** : :o betrayed by my own self - alex

 **gaytortoise** : ok

 **gaytortoise** : lmfao this is such an alex / aaron argument

 **gaytortoise** : alex was like ‘if she breathes she a thot’ and aaron replied, in all caps ‘ALL WOMEN ARE QUEENS ALEX’

 **mommy** : thats my bby

 **sigh** : <3

 **gaytortoise** : if she breathes…………… she a thot………………… - alex

 **sigh** : GODDAMNIT ALEX

 **gaytortoise** : angelica talked to him about winning thomas’ heart back after she fucked up… aww

 **intenseninsane** : DELETE

 **daughtersnhorses** : ANGELICA ARE YOU BLUSHING

 **intenseninsane** : DELETE DELETE DELETE

 **gaytortoise** : and james spammed alex with ‘fbi guy’ memes,,,,,,,, fckn relatable m8

 **sickofurshit** : the fbi guy watching my activity says thx

 **gaytortoise** : FUCKING JEFFERSON

 **macaroninfrance** : huh? I dont know a jefferson i am,,,,,,,,, befferson

 **ayyelmao** : BEFFERSON I JUST FUCKING SPAT

 **poogle** : thomas i got outed because of u didnt i

 **dungoofed** : I’M SORRY

 **poogle** : ok

 **intenseninsane** : babe :):) u didn’t, did u? :):):):):):)

 **intenseninsane** : :)

 **macaroninfrance** : i didn’t

 **dungoofed** : screenshot.jpg

 **macaroninfrance** : thatsnotme.gif

 **dancingdoll** : Jefferson.

 **macaroninfrance** : Addie???????

 **dancingdoll** : don’t FUCKING call me that

 **dancingdoll** : this was a MONUMENTAL moment for my career and you helped your idiot friend ruin it? For what? For publicity? For followers on Twitter or likes on Instragram??? Do you know the opportunities that not only I, but now Laf, have missed because of you?

 **dancingdoll** : and you’re all fucking in here laughing and giggling and kiki'ing like something is funny?!?!?!

 **dancingdoll** : my FAMILY lives in france. My CAREER is in France. Lafayette’s family is in France.

 **dancingdoll** : but neither you or alex thought of that, did you?

 **dancingdoll** : you only care for your fucking selves.

 **dancingdoll** : congratulations, you got your dream fucking proposal. Too bad it was at my and my brother’s expense.

 **dancingdoll** has left the group chat

 **intenseninsane** : i hope you two are satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> désolé je ne parle pas anglais - sorry i do not speak english


	45. *squidward voice* fuutuuuuuure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> honestly,,,, are we surprised they turned out this way,,,,,,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was bored, so I decided to a flash forward to when the kids are older/exist. if you like this, lemme know. I know its short... I kind of ran out of ideas, because there are only a handful of things I can talk about without spoiling ideas for a future chapter so

**Phillip Hamilton** : Eliza Hamilton ~~(bio mom~~ ), Alexander Hamilton ( ~~bio dad~~ ), John Laurens ( ~~adopted dad~~ ), Maria Reynolds ( ~~adopted mom~~ ) | age 15 | Sophomore | **pippiphooray**

 **Susan Reynolds:** Maria Reynolds ( ~~bio mom~~ ), James Reynolds ( ~~bio dad~~ ), Elizabeth Schuyler ( ~~adopted mom~~ ) | age 17 | Senior | **issabadbitch**

 **Frances Laurens** : Thomas Jefferson ( ~~bio dad~~ ), John Laurens ( ~~adopted dad~~ ), Angelica Schuyler ( ~~bio mom~~ ), Alexander Hamilton ( ~~adopted dad~~ ) | age 15 | Junior | **franklyfrankie**

 **Theodosia Burr:** Aaron Burr ( ~~bio dad~~ ) & Theodosia Prevost Burr ( ~~bio mom~~ ) | age 15 | Sophomore | **theodosia(2)**

 **Georges Washington de Lafayette** : Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette ( ~~bio dad~~ ), George Washington ( ~~adopted dad~~ ) | age 18 | Senior | **lagayette**

 **Martha Jefferson:** Thomas Jefferson ( ~~adopted dad~~ ) & Angelica Schuyler-Jefferson ( ~~adopted mom~~ ) | age 14 | Freshman | **martymadagascar**

 **Jonathan Mulligan:** Hercules Mulligan ( ~~bio dad~~ ), Elizabeth Sanders ( ~~bio mom~~ ) & Peggy Schuyler ( ~~adopted mom~~ ) | age 14 | Freshman | **heresjohnny**

 **Stephen Mulligan:** Hercules Mulligan ( ~~bio dad~~ ), Elizabeth Sanders ( ~~adopted mom~~ ) & Peggy Schuyler ( ~~bio mom~~ ) | age 12 | Sixth Grade | **stfu**

* * *

  ** **p.ham** ** has created a group chat **  
**p** **.ham** ** has added ****s.rey** , **f.laur** , **t.burr** , **g.washlaf** , **m.jeff** , **j.mull** ** and ****s.mull** ** to the group chat **  
**p.ham** ** has changed his username to ****pippiphooray****

**s.rey** : thats so fckn cheesey

 **pippiphooray** : your face is cheesey

 **s.rey** : that doesn’t make any sense

 **pippiphooray** : your face doesn’t make any sense

 **t.burr** : omg what are you 5

 **t.burr** has changed her username to **theodosia(2)  
**s.rey** ** has changed her username to ****issabadbitch  
**f.laur** **** has changed her username to ******franklyfrankie  
**m.jeff** ****** has changed her username to ********martymadagascar  
**g.washlaf** ******** has changed his username to ** ** ** ****lagayette  
**j.mull** ********** has changed his username to ** ** ** ** ****heresjohnny  
**s.mull** ************ has changed his username to **************stfu**************

 **stfu** : here’s a fun game: everyone do what my username says

 **heresjohnny** : why dont you do what your username says while we have fun lil baby

 **stfu** : im not a baby

 **heresjohnny** : are to

 **stfu** : im going to piss all over your clothes

 **franklyfrankie** : whoa whoa whoa no need to get hostile kids

 **franklyfrankie** : lets just keep it groovy baby

 **lagayette** : you’re still in your 60s/70s phase?

 **franklyfrankie** : you’re still in your goth/punk rock phase?

 **lagayette** : touché

 **pippiphooray** has changed the group chat name to **Party Squad**

 **issabadbitch** : georgie how many times have we been over this — you don’t count as gay if you accidentally kiss the popular boy on the lips instead of both cheeks while greeting him

 **lagayette** : i count as gay if i say i count as gay binch

 **stfu** : ew why would anyone want to be gay

 **stfu** : gay people have cooties and shit

 **heresjohnny** : so you’re saying mom and mama have cooties

 **stfu** : nuh-uh!

 **stfu** : they’re different

 **heresjohnny** : but you just said so

 **stfu** : no i didnt

 **martymadagascar** : no offense but yes you did

 **pippiphooray** : *whispers* how does that cause offense

 **stfu** : you don’t have the proof

 **theodosia(2):** screenshot1.jpg

 **theodosia(2):** dems the facts

 **heresjohnny** : ooh im saving that and if you dont do all my chores for the month, im sending it to mom, mama, and papa

 **stfu** : NO DONT SEND IT TO PAPA

 **heresjohnny** : do my chores and i wont

 **franklyfrankie** : thats mean, john, don’t do that

 **heresjohnny** : shut your piehole franky

 **lagayette** : as the oldest in this entire group chat, what i say goes

 **pippiphooray** : but i made the group chat

 **lagayette** : so? Pipe down pipsqueak

 **pippiphooray** : :0

 **theodosia(2):** fckn wrect nerd

 **lagayette** : and i say blackmail is perfectly acceptable

 **issabadbitch** : georgie, you can’t feel it, but I’m slapping you through this screen

 **issabadbitch** : do not condone extortion for children

 **theodosia(2):** its not really extortion, its more like blackmail

 **theodosia(2):** you know

 **theodosia(2):** like he said

 **issabadbitch** : listen here bINCH

 **issabadbitch** : whatever it is, children shouldn’t do it

 **stfu** : we’re not children! we’re teenagers! i have armpit hair!

 **heresjohnny** : yeah and i have a mustache

 **issabadbitch** : i remember when you both were babies so shut it

 **lagayette** : I watched my dad change alllll of your guys’ diapers

 **franklyfrankie** : I thought that said ‘I kissed my Dad’

 **lagayette** : HOW DO YOU GET

 **pippiphooray** : wh

 **pippiphooray** : which dad

 **franklyfrankie** : good point… that's more of our dad thing to do

 **pippiphooray** : okay first of all ew

 **pippiphooray** : second of all,,,

 **pippiphooray** : which dad

 **issabadbitch** : wow do all of us have not straight parents

 **theodosia(2):** no

 **lagayette** : A STRAIGHT SEED

 **lagayette** : SHAME IT

 **issabadbitch** : SHAME

 **franklyfrankie** : SHAME

 **heresjohnny** : SHAME

 **stfu** : shame?

 **theodosia(2):** pip is this why my dad tried to kill mr. hamilton

 **pippiphooray** : YOUR DAD TRIED TO WOT

 **lagayette** : SKDJFF TEA

 **issabadbitch** : OMG MR. BURR TRIED TO KILL MR. HAMILTON IM SH00K

 **theodosia(2):** o yea he tried to shoot him in our backyard

 **heresjohnny** : so like

 **heresjohnny** : WHAT THE FUCK

 **franklyfrankie** : that ^^^ but PG

 **lagayette** : honestly though are we really surprised

 **lagayette** : those two once greeted each other by punching each other in the face

 **franklyfrankie** : FOR MY TENTH BIRTHDAY! I remember.

 **lagayette** : lmao yeah

 **heresjohnny** : our family is wild

 **theodosia** (2): yeah but good wild

 **stfu** : Johnny Mama said go do the dishes

 **heresjohnny** : ugh lame

 **heresjohnny** : bye guys

 **lagayette** : bye jack

 **lagayette** : so gays

 **lagayette** : I meant guys

 **issabadbitch** : no u didn't

 **lagayette** : ur rite

 **franklyfrankie** : Marty ur so quiet

 **martymadagascar** : mom and dad are playing on opposing fortnite teams my house is a little loud

 **martymadagascar** : mom threw a grenade and dad shouted “I WANT A DIVORCE DAMMIT” so that's my life

 **lagayette** : god I love uncle Thomas

 **martymadagascar** : familynight.mp3

 **issabadbitch** : SKSJXND “SUCK MY WHOLE DICK THOMAS” “ANGELICA OUR CHILD” “WHAT ABOUT HER”

 **franklyfrankie** : throwing my WIG at Auntie Gelica not giving ONE fudge

 **stfu** : u wear wigs????

 **franklyfrankie** : no its a phrase bb

 **lagayette** : SCREAMS

 **stfu** : what? what happened?

 **issabadbitch** : georgie are u okay?

 **lagayette** : yeah im good sis i just saw myself in the mirror and i look REALLY good

 **issabadbitch** : …

 **franklyfrankie** : wow

 **stfu** : jesus dude

 **martymadagascar** : why are u like this. who made u this way.

 **issabadbitch** : Mr. Lafayette prolly

 **stfu** : actually it was probably Mr. Washington cause Mr. Wash is always buying him whtever he wants

 **lagayette** : *chris crocker voice* LEAVE MY DADS ALONE

 **stfu** : oh wow

 **martymadagascar** : anyways

 **martymadagascar** : imma log off. i think i need to stop a homicide.

 **pippiphooray** : oh!!

 **martymadagascar** : bye y’all

 **lagayette** : byeeee marty

 **lagayette** : i gotta go, too. I got homework

 **pippiphooray** : same. Bye guys <3

 **franklyfrankie** : bye bye angels. Imma go play some basketball with baby Alex

 **theodosia(2):** guess i’ll look at dog memes. Bye.

 **issabadbitch** : Mom is making cookies so imma go get fat lmfaooo

 **stfu** : ugh lame

 **stfu** : guess i’ll just go too :c

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) If I were to write a Seven Deadly Sins series with some of my favorite ships/characters or with dialogue prompts, would any of you be interested in reading it? I'm thinking that I'm going to do it either way, but is that trope too overplayed or...?
> 
> 2) I'm changing my username! Don't know what to, or when... but I am!
> 
> 3) "but writer, if Eliza and Alex are in a relationship with other people now how do they biologically produce Phillip if there's no cheating involved? If the kids are so close in age, does this mean we'll have more characters with kids? why doesn't Frances curse? why are the kids LGBTQ+ too, sexuality isn't genetic????" dude I asked myself all these questions and I don't know what to tell ya if you have the same ones. pls enjoy


	46. beach day, beaches

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
******Charles Lee:****** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 ** **g ** ** **aytortoise** : *********sprints naked through the group chat*

 **daughtersnhorses** : *screams*

 **largebaguette** : hon hon hon oui oui baguette (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **gaytortoise** : teehee yeehaw y'all

 **intenseninsane** : idk what this is but cease this behavior IMMEDIATELY

 **gaytortoise** : ITS BEACH DAY BITCHES

 **gaytortoise** : BEACH DAY *BEACHES

 **largebaguette** : YES THIS DAY IS BEAUTIFUL ITS GORGEOUS

 **washingdone** : it is… georgeous

 **intenseninsane** : cEASE

 **largebaguette** : !!!!! GEORGEOUS !!!!!

 **g.wash** : Christ sake. So are we all forgetting Francegate?

 **poogle** : ^^^^ ?

 **dungoofed** : well,,,,,, fuck,, we’re trying to

 **dungoofed** : look if y’all don’t wanna do this tho,,,,

 **gaytortoise** : WE’RE DOIN THIS U GO PUT DOWN UR WORK RIGHT N E O W

 **macaroninfrance** : n e o w

 **macaroninfrance** : nya (҂⌣̀_⌣́)

 **dungoofed** : what the fuck?  this isn't over??

 **intenseninsane** : I want a divorce

 **intenseninsane** : right nya

 **dungoofed** : S T O P

 **dungoofed** : MARIA IS SO PRETTY IN HER BATHING SUIT RIP ME

 **gaytortoise** : whoa pause

 **shadenlibertea** : u ok alexander

 **dungoofed** : OH

 **dungoofed** has changed her username to **dungoofed2**

 **dungoofed2** : I am Eliza :)

 **shadenlibertea** : oh well in that case

 **shadenlibertea** : uwu ~senpai noticed me

**Group Chat — The Schuyler Sisters**

**angelica** : so. are things… good?

 **andpeggy** : its been a week.

 **eliza** : i dont know how to make it up to you

 **andpeggy** : I need space, for one

 **andpeggy** : stop asking, I'll tell u when we're “““good”””

**Group Chat — #JohnAdamsIsCancelled**

**dungoofed** : I'm going to fight I swear to God

 **gaytortoise** : arent u an atheist u can't stg

 **dungoofed** : You're supposed to be on my side, John Hamilton.

 **gaytortoise** : um but u mean John Laurens. You're gonna be a Laurens.

 **dungoofed** : I AM THE LAST HAMILTON TO EXIST, JOHN. MY FAMILY IS DEAD. ALL OF THEM. YOUR STRAIGHT™ SIBLINGS CAN CARRY ON YOUR FAMILY NAME BUT WHO WILL CARRY ON MINE?

 **gaytortoise** : lol James isn't dead and he's straight so

 **sickofurshit** : not related to him??? not straight??? wow fckin rood John

 **dungoofed2** : not u. His brother James Hamilton

 **dungoofed** : How dare you expose me like this?

 **dungoofed2** : I AM INVITING HIM RIGHT… NYA

 **gaytortoise** : if u could've heard the strangled cries of anguish coming from the other room

 **dungoofed** : NO

 **dungoofed** : I AM THE ONLY HAMILTON LEFT.

 **poogle** :  he's nice just,,,, has to learn some stuff

 **dungoofed** : HE'S EMBARRASSING. HE'S CRINGE.

 **poogle** : I mean I'm the same age as him

 **intenseninsane** : YOURE NOT WMBARASSINH LILL BABY SIB

 **dungoofed2** : RTRTRT WE LOVE U

 **poogle** :

 **daughtersnhorses** : that message is empty peg

 **poogle** : ik

 **largebaguette** :  tag yourself I'm "lill baby sib"

 **washingdone** : I'm fucking tired

 **washingdone** : George & I have somehow managed to get Laf in the car please tell us this beach day is still happening

 **g.wash** : It was quite a struggle. He’s wine drunk.

 **ayyelmao** : has anyone ever seen Martha Washington, all 5’2 inches of her, attempt to shove Lafayette, all 5’7 inches of drunk him, into the Washington Mom Car™

 **ayyelmao** : dont worry if the answer is no I have video

 **ayyelmao** : dead.vid

 **intenseninsane** : damn martha is smol

 **sigh** : why is Laf like this

 **largebaguette** : (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **dungoofed** : Wash are u wearing socks n sandals

 **dungoofed** : this trip is #cancelled

 **g.wash** : My toes were cold.

 **dungoofed** : SO WEAR SNEAKERS

 **g.wash** : Yes, but then my sneakers will get wet and sandy from being on the beach.

 **dungoofed** : kms

 **dungoofed2** : Maria and I just arrived at the beach and iTS EMPTY????

 **dungoofed** : most people have money to have their own at home pool but not us

 **dungoofed** : we r broke

 **intenseninsane** : you're not broke Hamilton shut up you're engaged to a doctor

 **gaytortoise** : *resident

 **intenseninsane** : same difference

 **gaytortoise** : tell tht to my paycheck

 **cinnamonroll** : wow wtf

 **dancingdoll** : its been a week Laf and ur seriously planning to go to the beach with them

 **dancingdoll** : lol

 **dancingdoll** has left the chat

 **washingdone** : ,,,,  

 **largebaguette** : sigh

 **largebaguette** : sorry

 **dungoofed** : you're not the one that should be apologizing

 **dungoofed** : i am

 **sigh** : so,,, sorry to be that guy,,, but are we doing this beach thing??

 **g.wash** : Yes. We need it. All of us definitely need this healing experience.

 **ayyelmao** : ok ew emotions

 **sickofurshit** : u look beautiful  today Charles

 **ayyelmao** : I

 **ayyelmao** : heck

 **g.wash** : lafmar.vid

 **intenseninsane** : IS THAT MARTHA TACKLING LAFAYETTE

 **intenseninsane** : WHY

 **washingdone** :  he tried to get out of the van .2 seconds after i got him to sit fckn still

 **sickofurshit** : I'm fucking crying at Lafayette just awkwardly squirming in her grip

 **g.wash** : Jesus, when will I ever learn to take away his alcohol? When?

 **largebaguette** : I can fckn read you know

 **largebaguette** : :(

 **dungoofed** : John & I just got to the beach and Eliza n Maria are making out in the water

 **dungoofed** : y r they so aesthetic

 **sickofurshit** : jealous

 **ayyelmao** : honestly they are the cutest heckin couple

 **mommy** : how do I heart eyes emoji in real life

 **sigh** : awww I see what Hamilton means

 **sigh** : heck.image

 **sigh** : they're adorable

 **dungoofed** : B uR R HAS aN OPI nI OM AND IT is iN M Y Fa vO R?

 **sigh** : I take it back they are not cute

 **dungoofed2** : ;-;

 **shadenlibertea** : BURR STOP MAKING MY GIRLFRIEND CRY

 **intenseninsane** : dont make me kick your ass Burr

 **sigh** : S I G H

 **dungoofed2** : _@gaytortoise_ Alex wants to know where you are

 **gaytortoise** : no

 **dungoofed2** : I just want to talk — Alex

 **gaytortoise** : I know you and you do NOT want to talk

 **gaytortoise** : ur gonna yell :(

 **dungoofed2** : No I'm not — Alex

 **intenseninsane** : what did u do John

 **dungoofed2** : SIS IT WAS HILARIOUS

 **intenseninsane** : oh dear god

 **shadenlibertea** : Alex opened a work email to reply to it

 **shadenlibertea** : and wasn't paying attention to John

 **dungoofed2** : so John just chucked his phone in the ocean

 **dungoofed2** : and bolted

 **intenseninsane** : CACKLING

 **dungoofed2** : its not funny I was a sending a very important email — Alex

 **gaytortoise** : well now the email can wait and we can have fun as a family

 **washingdone** : AWW THATS SO CUTE

 **washingdone** : immediately on Johns side

 **dungoofed2** : rt

 **intenseninsane** : rt

 **sigh** : rt

 **sickofurshit** : rt

 **macaroninfrance** : rt

 **dungoofed2** : UGH - Alex

 **intenseninsane** : wait where r herc & Peggy

 **daughtersnhorses** : (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **intenseninsane** : Alex I'll help u find John if you help me find Herc

 **daughtersnhorses** : WHAT NO I WAS JUST KIDDING

 **elizaBABE** : he was. they're playing overwatch and he's baking brownies

 **largebaguette** :  you guys aren't coming?

 **elizaBABE** : pegs doesnt feel up to it

 **dungoofed2** : :(

 **intenseninsane** : I am going to murder Alex

 **macaroninfrance** : aw, babe, for me???

 **intenseninsane** : — John

 **macaroninfrance** : Oh.

 **intenseninsane** : he found me and my phone — John

 **intenseninsane** : and tossed us both in the ocean — John

 **intenseninsane** : I AM FREEZING — John

 **daughtersnhorses** : its like 100° today dude

 **intenseninsane** : F R E E Z I N G — John

 **dungoofed2** : looks like we both need new phones — Alex

 **dungoofed2** : sweet sweet victory — Alex

 **intenseninsane** : I hate u sm omg — John

 **dungoofed2** : no you don't u love me — Alex

 **intenseninsane** : u look like a rat — John

 **dungoofed2** : I love you, too, Johnny boi <3 — Alex

 **largebaguette** : this looks so weird coming from Eliza & Angie’s phones

 **largebaguette** : also kids Daddy George & I are here and we got snow cones

 **largebaguette** : (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **sickofurshit** : we’re never carpooling with y’all again

 **dungoofed2** : dont call us your kids & don't refer to George as “Daddy George” — Alex

 **dungoofed2** : rt

 **intenseninsane** : rt — John

 **daughtersnhorses** : rt

 **shadenlibertea** : rt

 **macaroninfrance** : rt

 **sigh** : rt

 **sickofurshit** : rt

 **poogle** : rt

 **g.wash** : But I love you all as my children. Except Laf, of course.

 **dungoofed2** : you know damn well that's not why we don't wanna hear it — Alex

 **largebaguette** :  EVERYONE APOLOGIZE YOU MADE GEORGE SAD

 **sickofurshit** : o well

 **largebaguette** :  Apologize or I'm eating all your snow cones

 **ayyelmao** : ugh sorry Wash

 **sigh** : yes George I apologize as well

 **sickofurshit** : I didn't mean to offend

 **intenseninsane** : yeah we love you like a dad

 **dungoofed2** : of course we do. Alex & John do too but their phones…

 **macaroninfrance** : we are grateful to have you in our lives and I apologize for my rudeness

 **shadenlibertea** : honestly George you're so good i am so sorry

 **g.wash** : :)

 **largebaguette** : YAY :)

 **g.wash** : Come get your snowcones, you wacky kids.

 ****fuckhamilton** : **so what did I miss


	47. alex………………...........................................… TREBEK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas Jefferson, our new official mess™.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm,,,,, trying to write. I'm trying so hard to come back, I promise. Its short, but here.
> 
> also im posting from mobile so the format is fucked to all hell, but I'll fix it when i get home

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr** : sigh — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens** : gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette** : largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler** : intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler** : cinnamonroll — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler** : poogle — Journalism Student  
 **George Washington** : g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington** : washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds** : shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison** : sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson** : macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles** : dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
 **Elizabeth Sanders** : elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
 **Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 **dungoofed** : who am i describing

 **dungoofed** : ‘I have a big head’

 **dungoofed** : ‘and little arms’

 **largebaguette** : JAMES MADISON FOR 500 ALEX

 **gaytortoise** : that just brought to my attention that Alex Trebek has the same name as my fiance and now I don't know what to do with myself

 **gaytortoise** : Alex? ruined 

 **sickofurshit** : goddamnit Alexander

 **sickofurshit** : ISN'T PISSING OFF A WHOLE COUNTRY ENOUGH FOR YOU? 

 **dungoofed** :

 **dungoofed** : No.

 **macaroninfrance** : wait Alex Trebek the Jeopardy guy?? Or the Life Alert guy?

 **gaytortoise** : what?

 **macaroninfrance** : which one?

 **poogle** : does it matter?

 **macaroninfrance** : well yes they're very different people

 **poogle** : no they're not. no he's not.

 **macaroninfrance** : what? 

 **dungoofed2** : Alex Trebek is the Life Alert guy AND the Jeopardy guy

 **macaroninfrance** : what

 **intenseninsane** : Thomas,,, how did you not know

 **macaroninfrance** : I THOUGHT THERE WERE TWO

 **sickofurshit** : what,,,, the fuck Thomas

 **largebaguette** : omg this is so embarassing

 **macaroninfrance** : you mean to tell me Life Alert Alex and Jeopardy Alex are the same Alex

 **g.wash** : Yes.

 **macaroninfrance** : ……………… oh wow 

 **sickofurshit** : sometimes,,,, i really fucking hate u

 **intenseninsane** : shut up you look like the robinsons dinosaur

 **sickourshit** : I-

 **shadenlibertea** : WHOMST THE FUCK

 **shadenlibertea** : TAUGHT MY DAUGHTER HOW TO DO THE WALMART BOY YODEL

 **washingdone** : im sorry taught her to do what

 **dungoofed2** : omg babe what

 **shadenlibertea** : SUSAN HAS BEEN WALMART YODELING FOR EIGHT HOURS NOW. 

 **shadenlibertea** : I HAVEN’T BEEN TO SLEEP ALL NIGHT. WHAT THE FUCK. 

 **dungoofed** : oh man, I’m so tired

 **dungoofed** : gonna take a nap

 **shadenlibertea** : ALEXANDER I’M GONNA FUCKING CHOKE SLAM YOU

 **dungoofed** : what!!!! What gave me away

 **gaytortoise** : aside from the obvious? 

 **gaytortoise** : when have u ever slept.

 **dungoofed** : all the time.

 **gaytortoise** : voluntarily.

 **dungoofed** : oh.

 **g.wash** : Actually, Alexander made me proud yesterday. Only had three pots of coffee yesterday. He’s doing much better!

 **ayyelmao** : alexander what the fuck is wrong with you

 **dungoofed** : i have a short attention span, and a lot of work.

 **largebaguette** : how the FUCK does coffee help that sir

 **dungoofed** : I can’t think rationally, I run on caffeine

 **shadenlibertea** : goddamnit i need a drink

 **gaytortoise** : i need a new man


	48. pepperoni why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is ketchup a smoothie? Discuss.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** gaytortoise — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

  **daughtersnhorses** : is tomatoes a smoothie

 **g.wash** : I’m so tired. I’m so, so, so tired.

 **largebaguette** : we’re gonna regret this but herc, what?

 **daughtersnhorses** : i meant is ketchup a smoothie but im a lil tired

 **largebaguette** : no, you dumbass

 **daughtersnhorses** : tomatoes are fruit and smoothies are fruit blends and ketchup is blending up tomatoe so how the fuck are you gonna tell me ketchup isn’t a goddamn fucking smoothie. lets actually debate about this. tomatoes are KNOWN to be fruit. we, the human fucking race, so fucking smart, figured that out. and we know that FRUIIT BLENDS are called SMOOOTHIES. so BY THAT DEFINITION tomatoes are FUCKING SMOOTHIES. you uneducated goose penis. i’m actually gonna blc you.

 **gaytortoise** : i dont,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 **gaytortoise** : understand why you’re like this,,,,,

 **daughtersnhorses** : peggy and i’ve been arguing about this for eight days. they think ketchup isn’t a smoothie, but they’re wrong. they don’t know shit.

 **poogle** : OHOHOHOHOH I DONT KNOW SHIT? SAYS THE IDIOT WHO WANTS TO DRINK FUCKING EKTCHUP

 **elizaBABE** : oh lord not this again

 **intenseninsane** : whats going on?

 **dungoofed2** : apparently our future BIL is very very very passionate about ketchup being a smoothie

 **poogle** : elies-a i’ll come back to u callin herc ur future brother in law buT FOR RIGHT NOW, I’VE GOTTA ROAST A FCKN PLEB.

 **daughtersnhorses** : BRING IT ON! I WONT BE DEFEATED BY SOMEONE NAMED PEPPERJACK!

 **elizaBABE** : named _w h a t_

 **dungoofed2** : eLIES-a

 **dungoofed2** : ouch

 **mommy** : im small and im cute and I don't understand much but what i do understand is that strawberries are delicious :)

 **mommy** : and ketchup is NOT a smoothie

 **daughtersnhorses** : THEO YOU TRAITOR

 **mommy** : THAT WAS PEGGY

 **intenseninsane** : PEGGY WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HACKING PEOPLES PHONES

 **poogle** :

 **poogle** : … but

 **intenseninsane** : I'm Giving You The Look™

 **poogle** : fine. but the incident™ cant hold back my creativity

 **dungoofed2** : you mean the fact that you hacked into your deans phone and emailed his nudes to the entire student body. that creativity?

 **poogle** : ,,,,,maybe

 **gaytortoise** : peggy o my god WHY

 **daughtersnhorses** : UM ARE WE FORGETTING WHAT'S IMPORTANT HERE

 **sickofurshit** : KETCHUP ISN'T A SMOOTHIE HERC LET IT GO

 **daughtersnhorses** : THAT'S JUST WHAT SOCIETY TOLD YOU. WAKE UP SHEEPLE

 **macaroninfrance** : dear lord…

 **fuckhamilton** : Hey, when was the last time anyone heard from Hamilton?

 **gaytortoise** : idk but give it a few seconds

 **fuckhamilton** : what? why?

 **dungoofed** : MMMMMM I SMELL A LIL BITCH A-BREWIN

 **gaytortoise** : that's why lol

 **mommy** : lol looks like a tiny little text man drowning

 **mommy** : o no someone save the text mans brother he's drowning too

 **sigh** : Why Are You Like This

 **washingdone** : I sensed a mess was occurring in the group chat what's going on

 **daughtersnhorses** : PEGGY THINKS KETCHUP ISN'T A SMOOTHIE

 **poogle** : HERC THINKS IT IS AND ITS GROSS

 **fuckhamilton** : HAMILTON CALLED ME A LITTLE BITCH

 **intenseninsane** : PEGGY KEEPS HACKING PEOPLES PHONES

 **dungoofed2** has changed her name to **eLIESa**

 **eLIESa** : just take a good guess

 **washingdone** : welp im out see ya

 **g.wash** : MARTHA?! HELP ME?!

 **washingdone** : you're on your own sweet tits

 **g.wash** : WHAT?!

 **largebaguette** : I believe she said sweet tits

 **macaroninfrance** : wait beth how did you italicize earlier?

 **elizaBABE** : _mmmeat a dick_

 **ayyelmao** : I fucking love you people


	49. stop. him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what kind of mess this is. Forgive me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of assigning some new usernames to the following characters: Theodosia, Hercules, Charles, Alexander, Aaron, Angelica and Martha. Maybe Lafayette, but most of the usernames I consider for him are already taken in other chat fics. If you guys have any suggestions, that'd be great!

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** mommy — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer  


* * *

**g.wash:** Goddamn, baby, relax. I’m at work.

**dungoofed** : what?

**g.wash** : Oh! Oh, shit!

**elizaBABE** : oh… oh  _ no _

**sickofurshit** : GEORGE ARE YOU DOING WHAT I THINK YOURE DOING

**g.wash** : I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.

**macaroninfrance** : imma fucking puke

**gaytortoise** : what? whats happening here?

**sigh** : LAFAYETTE AND WASHINGTON ARE SEXTING RIGHT AS WE SPEAK

**largebaguette** : what?! no we’re not!

**sigh** : I’M NOT STUPID LAF

**largebaguette** : ,,,,, thats yet to be proven

**dungoofed** : you nasty hoe

**gaytortoise** : Are y’all really sexting? Really? In front of my salad?

**poogle** : why are you such a thot Laf

**largebaguette** : I have daddy issues

**largebaguette** : As in my daddy hasn't fucked me since this morning and I've got an issue with it

**poogle** : jesus CHRIST

**dungoofed** : THIS MORNING? REALLY, THAT'S WHAT YOU’RE MAD ABOUT?

**dungoofed** : ITS BEEN THREE WEEKS!

**gaytortoise** : well if you’d come out of your fucking OFFICE FOR TWO SECONDS, maybe I could give you some dick

**macaroninfrance** : man you guys don’t have frequent, healthy sex? can’t relate.

**intenseninsane** : THOMAS YOUR FUCk-

**gaytortoise** : how, when angelica is in london?

**macaroninfrance** : what? you think they invented skype for nothing?

**gaytortoise** : nvm shouldnt have asked

**poogle** : i want to die lmfao

**sickofurshit** : MM THAT MOOD IS THICC PEDICURE

**poogle** : 

**daughtersnhorses** : peggy just violently slammed their head against a wall omfg

**macaroninfrance** : the mOOOD IS THICC IM CRYING

**shadenlibertea** : saying ‘FAT MOOD’ is cancelled, moods are thicc now

**largebaguette** : you know what else is thicc?

**largebaguette** : GEORGIES DICK

**dungoofed** : GOOD GOD LAF

**gaytortoise** : OH DEAR JESUS

**sigh** : MY EYES

**largebaguette** : BLOW MY BACK OUT DADDY

**poogle** : WHY

**g.wash** : I… am tired.

**fuckhamilton** : DEAR LORD WASHINGTON

**fuckhamilton** : HANDLE YOUR BOY BEFORE HE SUBJECTS US TO MORE OF THIS

**g.wash** : I think its absolutely adorable any of you think I have control over him.

**g.wash** : He will do as he wishes.

**largebaguette** : dems the facts

**intenseninsane** : well I mean its been established that he's a baby psychopath

**macaroninfrance** : OKAY SO AM I DO I WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR TIDDIES? YES. DO I THOUGH? NO. 

**eLIESa** : her w h a t

**intenseninsane** : I want,,,  a divorce

**poogle** : SCREAMS 

**dungoofed** : I mean we all say Laf is the crazy one but remember when John stabbed his ex

**gaytortoise** : oh wow

**sickofurshit** : HE DID WHAT NOW? 

**dungoofed** : he stabbed his ex.

**poogle** : firstly

**poogle** : WHY? 

**poogle** : secondly

**poogle** : AND YOU STILL WANT TO BE WITH HIM? 

**dungoofed** : well they were fighting and his ex shoved him and was gonna hit him so he stabbed him

**dungoofed** : and I've got like 0 will to live if I get stabbed to death by a hot freckle boi??? o well

**gaytortoise** : that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me

**gaytortoise** has changed his name to  **hotfreckleboi**

**dungoofed** : bless

**daughtersnhorses** : since we're talking about craziness I'd like to go on record and say that Alex once jumped from a second story window to avoid Thomas Jefferson

**sickofurshit** : what is WRONG with you people

**dungoofed** : it was worth it

**macaroninfrance** : am I tHAT REPULSIVE?

**dungoofed** : yes

**elizaBABE** : yes

**poogle** : yes

**sickofurshit** : yes

**intenseninsane** : yes

**macaroninfrance** : ANGELICA??????? YOU MARRIED ME????? 

**poogle** : everyone makes mistakes

**largebaguette** : everyone has those days

**ayyelmao** : that's what, what I'm talkin bout

**macaroninfrance** : 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a note of shameless self-promo: I am taking requests for the drabble series over at my tumblr ofmenialidealisms and here. Comment them here, send them to my ask box on tumblr, or comment over on that fic to submit a request


	50. gdi john

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> RIP Gabe

**Alexander Hamilton:**  dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:**  sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:**  hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:**  largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:**  daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:**  intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:**  eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:**  poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:**  g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:**  shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:**  sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:**  macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:**  dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:**  theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:**  ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 **hotfreckleboi** : Alexander Hamilton? More like Alexander Damnson that ass

 **largebaguette** : what ass, mon ami? the two skeletal bones that he attempts to sit with?

 **hotfreckleboi** : listen i don't say washington has a small dick, do I?

 **largebaguette** : well no

 **largebaguette** : but that's because he doesn't

 **largebaguette** : you are just blatantly lying

 **dungoofed** : awww babe that is so cute thx

 **dungoofed** : and shut ur fuCK mOUYTHe BAGUETTE BOY

 **elizaBABE** : “an avocado? thaaaaaanks”

 **elizaBABE** : that's the type of thank you that was

 **dungoofed** : why do you like to ruin lives

 **elizaBABE** : its my only entertainment

 **intenseninsane** : I can't believe you fucks are graduating soon but you're worried about Alex's bony ass

 **hotfreckleboi** : stop i still have four more years of school fuck you guys

 **largebaguette** : rt

 **intenseninsane** : whos fault is that

 **hotfreckleboi** : everyone is being so mean to me today :(

 **hotfreckleboi** : I AM THE BACKBONE OF THIS HOUSEHOLD LOVE ME YOU HEATHENS

 **eLIESa** : I love you John

 **hotfreckleboi** : ew that's,,,,,, gay

 **eLIESa** : UR GAY U HOMOSEXUAL POPTART

 **dungoofed** : trust me, I know

 **shadenlibertea**  :  **homosexual poptart**

 **poogle** : im still mad at eliza but that was a cute ass insult

 **eLIESa**  : I pride myself on  _soff insults©_

 **shadenlibertea** : youre so cute omg I love you

 **eLIESa** : I love you too gorgeous <3

 **washingdone** : aw jesus gross

 **shadenlibertea** : jealous, Martha??

 **washingdone** : power down sass robot, i was talking about alexs bony ass

 **dungoofed** : LEAVE MY ASS ALONE

 **washingdone** : NO

 **macaroninfrance** : WAIT WAIT I HAVE A HAMILTON JOKE TOO

 **poogle** : *collective groaning*

 **fuckhamilton** : well let's hear it, Mr. Jefferson!

 **macaroninfrance** : what do Hamilton and a slinky have in common?

 **g.wash** : I'm going to regret this, but… what?

 **macaroninfrance** : you can't do much with them, but they're fun to push down the stairs

 **largebaguette** :

 **hotfreckleboi** :

 **daughtersnhorses** :

 **dungoofed** :

 **eLIESa** : aw jesus gross

 **poogle** : aw jesus gross

 **intenseninsane** : I thought it was funny

 **mommy** : its either because that's your husband or you're lying

 **intenseninsane** : don't talk to me until you change your creepy username

 **mommy**  has changed her username to  **theoDOGEa**

 **theoDOGEa** : better?

 **sigh** : hilarious

 **dungoofed** : didn't the doge dog die?

 **eLIESa** : wHAT?

 **poogle** : alex why would u say that u know she's sensitive

 **dungoofed** : I'm! Sorry!

 **eLIESa** : why!? didn’t?! someone?! tell?! me?!

 **hotfreckleboi** : wait no thats the wrong dog

 **eLIESa** : o thank god

 **hotfreckleboi** : wow thanks for not letting me finish

 **hotfreckleboi** : GABE the dog is dead

 **hotfreckleboi** : rude ass

 **eLIESa**  :  ** _WHAT_**

 **shadenlibertea** : alright liza thats enough group chat for today

 **intenseninsane** : jesus john ur a dick yknow that?

 **hotfreckleboi** : lol yeah


	51. john fucking adams, amirite?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, what's up with the Johns lately?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy early mothers day! sorry this chapter is so short-i loved the idea but ran out of content to put it in smh

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

 

* * *

**g.wash** : Good morning, everyone!

**fuckhamilton** : Good morning, Washington.

**g.wash:** Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t clarify.

**g.wash:** Good morning, everyone! Except you, John Adams. You can go fuck yourself.

**hotfreckleboi** : IM SPITTING

**shadenlibertea** : LOOK HOW THE LEGEND POPS OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN

**fuckhamilton** : Why am I even here?

**theoDOGEa** : probably because we’re the only ones that tolerate your nastiness

**fuckhamilton:** I’m not nasty!

**dungoofed** : whytfulyin.mp3

**intenseninsane** : yeah… ur kinda repulsive

**fuckhamilton** : How?!

**sigh** : Well, you purposefully pick on people for your own enjoyment. You’re a known racist and you’re controlling.

**sigh** : to name a few things

**sunshinegirl** : Oh hey everyone!

**sunshinegirl** : actually nvm im suddenly very busy again

**fuckhamilton** : Abby, am I repulsive?

**sunshinegirl** : No, not to me! You’re amazing!

**fuckhamilton** : But to everyone else?

**sunshinegirl** : you’re… great… to me?

**fuckhamilton** : oh no

**dungoofed** : oh yes

**fuckhamilton** : But… I'm awesome… 

**eLIESa** : oh, no, honey

**eLIESa** : no, you’re not

**largebaguette** : you know the tea is real when eliza is the one that spills it

**shadenlibertea** : yikes.gif

**hotfreckleboi** : wow this is so tragic john u really didnt know u were a literal dumpster fire?

**fuckhamilton** : OBVIOUSLY NOT.

**dungoofed** : what? You thought I didn’t like you for my HEALTH?

**fuckhamilton** : Shut up, Hamilton, you don’t like a lot of people.

**dungoofed** : fair

**washingdone** : more than fair but cmon. even MARIA doesn't like you. she's never EVEN MET YOU

**shadenlibertea** : those are the facts

**fuckhamilton** : I didn't… consider that… 

**daughtersnhorses** : if Peggy, someone who loves picking fights, talks shit about you BEHIND YOUR BACK??? You Must Be Avoided

**poogle** : lol true

**fuckhamilton** : wow ok

**fuckhamilton** : So what do I do?

**eLIESa** : start with changing ur name sweetie

**fuckhamilton** : but its like… fuck Hamilton, yknow

**macaroninfrance** : ik

**hotfreckleboi** : more like I wanna FUCK Hamilton amirite

**eLIESa** : you've never been more wrong

**dungoofed** : ELIZA WE'VE HAD SEX

**eLIESa** : LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU I CAN'T HEAR YOU

**dungoofed** : I'M T Y P I N G

**washingdone** : WHY ARE YALL LIKE THIS

**washingdone** : CHANGE

**washingdone** : BE BETTER

**intenseninsane** : lol “y'all”

**washingdone** : shut up macaroni fucker

**intenseninsane** : :|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo also has anyone heard first burn because i've had it on repeat??? its so good wow


	52. The Great Prank War 1/4 (or Peggy VS. the World)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let the 74th annual Hunger Games begi—shit, wrong fandom.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

**poogle** : FUCK FUCK FUCKITY MCFUCK FUCKING FUCKFACED FUCKER

**theoDOGEa** : wot

**sigh** : HECK HECK HECKITY MCHECK HECKING HECKFACED HECKER

**theoDOGEa** : Oh! What's wrong, peggy?

**sickofurshit** : wait what was that

**sigh** : Theo likes to pretend she can't hear or see cuss words it helps her cope with the fact that the world isn't soft and wholesome and our daughter will grow up in an absolute Hell Of A World

**eLIESa** : what?! what's wrong Peggy???

**eLIESa** : also same theo fat mood

**shadenlibertea** :  **_MOODS ARE THICC NOW_ **

**poogle** : I…

**poogle** : I may have gone too far

**dungoofed** : M A Y H A V E

**intenseninsane** : oh no

**intenseninsane** : its that time of year again

**intenseninsane** : the Great Prank War resumed, didn't it??

**largebaguette** : yesterday why Peggy what did u do

**hotfreckleboi** : THEY ARE EVERYWHERE PEGGY

**elizaBABE** : peggy,,,,,,, angel,,,,, sweetie,,,,,, baby,,,, does this have anything to do with why you bought home 10000 ladybugs last night

**intenseninsane** : TEN THOUSAND W O T

**poogle** : Happy Prank War, everyone!

**dungoofed** :  **_no_ **

**sigh** : Wait, you guys didn't do the official commencing 

**g.wash** : Excuse me, what's the Great Prank War and how do I not participate?

**sickofurshit** : oh well its this thing we've been doing since high school

**sickofurshit** : one year on April Fools, John pulled a prank on Hercules, I forgot what it was. Hercules tried to get John back but accidentally got Anelica, Angelica got Alex because she thought it was him… pretty soon, everyone was pulling these series of pranks and all of them were getting more and more extravagant

**sickofurshit** : so every year, the entire month of May is called the Great Prank War. it used it be April, but SOMEONE pulled an elaborate “your sister died” prank and we had to move it back some weeks so Lafayette could get back in the game… cause yanno, he went to france & all

**dungoofed** : I SAID SORRY

**largebaguette** : EAT A DICK

**sickofurshit** : anyways if you don't wanna be involved that year, just make sure you tell everyone playing. but the second you commit a prank, you're free game

**sickofurshit** : we usually have a commencement ceremony where we get everyone together to figure out if anyone isn't playing

**sickofurshit** : but I guess Pornhub got excited

**poogle** : you're next on my list, Madison

**sickofurshit** : COME AT ME

**ayyelmao** : wow madison that's literally the most you've ever said in the gc 

**sickofurshit** : casse-toi

**g.wash** : I'm not playing.

**largebaguette** : aw babe it'll be fun! 

**g.wash** : Nope. I don't trust y'all.

**dungoofed** : I HAVE 10000 DEAD LADYBUGS IN MY CAR CAN WE GET BACK TO THAT

**washingdone** : WHY ARE YOU LIKE

**washingdone** : you know what I'm not even going to ask anymore

**hotfreckleboi** : PEGGY THIS WAS SO RECKLESS

**poogle** : :)

**poogle** : welcome to battle bitches

**dungoofed** : THIS MEANS WAR, PLAYDOUGH

**theoDOGEa** : I just had a brilliant idea

**theoDOGEa** : the peggy name meme, but using their actual name

**theoDOGEa** : like instead of Margarite they’re Marco Polo

**eLIESa** : M A R C O P O L O

**shadenlibertea** : theo ur a genius

**poogle** : ok google, how do I kidnap someones baby?

**sigh** : HOW DO YOU WHAT

**intenseninsane** : PEGGY NO THATS TOO FAR

**poogle** : 

**poogle** : ok :)

**sigh** : OH MY GOD THEO STAY HOME WITH LIL THEO IM SCARED

**theoDOGEa** : bring it ON peppermint i will FIGHT

**sickofurshit** : ok can we make rules this year? Jesus fucking Christ y’all are gonna wind up in jail

**g.wash** : That sounds wise.

**largebaguette** : no involving the children!!!!! i can’t believe i have to say this, peggy!!!!!

**shadenlibertea** : yeah u come near my kid and i’m cutting off ur fuckin arm

**poogle** : OKAY OKAY JEEZ

**hotfreckleboi** : AND NO MORE FUCKING ANIMALS ALRIGHT?

**hotfreckleboi** : IT FUCKING STINKS, PEGS

**poogle** : sorry john

**largebaguette** : NO ‘SO AND SO IS DEAD’ PRANKS 

**daughtersnhorses** : lookin at u alexander

**dungoofed** : yeah yeah ok

**g.wash** : Nothing that can risk careers.

**theoDOGEa** : ooh, good one!

**dungoofed** : everyone playing this year?

**intenseninsane** : well, no. obviously.

**sunshinegirl** : I can’t! but you guys have fun

**g.wash** : Me, either. Nor Laf.

**largebaguette** : quoi?!

**g.wash:** There will be no debate about this.

**largebaguette** : you already know u cant stop me if i want to

**dungoofed** : he’s right

**intenseninsane** : yeah & what the fuck anyways? you’re not his dad if he wants to play let him play

**macaroninfrance** : yikes this behavior is really unflattering,,,,

**g.wash** : I don’t care.

**daughtersnhorses** : i know who’ll change your mind

**daughtersnhorses** has added  **dancingdoll**

**daughtersnhorses** : adri, george is controlling your little brother

**dancingdoll** : george is doing what now?

**g.wash** : I… am not!   


**largebaguette** : yikes,,,,

**dancingdoll** : I’ve been looking for another good reason to kick some American ass

**g.wash:** Fine, fine!

**macaroninfrance** : yay! Let the games begin!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed my girl Adri so much tbh


	53. The Great Prank War 2/4 (or the ketchup dilemma)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, just sometimes, Aaron Burr worries me.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

**poogle** : the B in LGBT stands for BRONIES

**hotfreckleboi** : hey. hey peggy. can you think before you speak just once.

**poogle** : you think i’ll ever stop? huh? you think i’ll ever put some thought into what i say? imbecile

**hotfreckleboi** : ¬_¬

**hotfreckleboi** : then perish

**daughtersnhorses** : please don't mention bronies,,,

**largebaguette** : why? gonna pop a chub thinking about rainbowjax?

**g.wash** : Babe, honey, darling, dear…

**g.wash** : Did you just call it ‘popping a chub’?

**largebaguette** : yeh

**g.wash** : Never, ever do that again. Do you understand me? 

**largebaguette** : :( why not

**hotfreckleboi** : besides the obvious of ‘that sounds super fucking creepy and gross’ Laf? masculinity isn't your thing… it just sounds weird coming from you

**largebaguette** : NOT TRUE! I'M VERY GOOD AT BEING MASCULINE! 

**g.wash** : You cried when, while helping me build a gazebo, one of your heels broke. After I specifically told you to wear regular shoes.

**largebaguette** : okay those were fucking expensive binch and you should've been crying too I used your card to buy them

**intenseninsane** : Abigail is more butch than you. And she doesn't own anything but sundresses.

**sunshinegirl** : thats true

**largebaguette** : I can be masc! I'm not a fckn stereotype. To prove it, I'll wear nothing but boy clothes for all of today. No makeup. Nothing sexy or “girly” at all.

**dungoofed** : sure and I'll stop sending Thomas hatemail from his own computer

**dungoofed** : you couldn't do it even if you tried

**macaroninfrance:** you'll stop what

**sigh** : wow all of this is lovely and I'm sure we can return to the topic later if need be HOWEVER 

**sigh** : whomst the fuck broke into my house and replaced all of my ketchup with that liquidy gross ketchup precum

**eLIESa** : I

**eLIES** : I don't even know where to begin to dissect that sentence really 

**theoDOGEa** : babe,,,, ketchup precum

**sigh** : that's what its like! Its like nasty precum 

**sigh** : anyways who did it 

**sigh** : I WON'T HESITATE BITCH

**theoDOGEa** : GDI AARON GO PUT YOUR FUCKING GUN UP

**dungoofed** : yikes™  _ @hotfreckleboi _

**hotfreckleboi** : BABE WHY

**dungoofed** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**hotfreckleboi** : I can't believe my own man, the love of my life, the future father of my children, the bottom to my top, has sold me out

**dungoofed** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**hotfreckleboi** : remember that shrug tonight when you're horny k? 

**dungoofed** : :( 

**eLIESa** : what is this disgusting display of affection doing on my Christian server

**hotfreckleboi** : sorry Eliza 

**intenseninsane** : ik this isn't an NSFW chat but gosh darnit I'd really like to hold a hand

**macaroninfrance** : uwu I'll hold your hand senpai~

**eLIESa** : CHRISTIAN SERVER THOMAS

**shadenlibertea** : idk the way you went down on me last night didn't seem so Christian

**eLIESa** : … 

**dungoofed** : spittake.gif

**hotfreckleboi** : w-why 

**sickofurshit** : reported, banned, flagged, doxxed, blocked, muted

**poogle** : that's it I'm deleting the Internet

**poogle** : I'VE HAD ENOUGH

**daughtersnhorses** : but Peggy, the whole Internet? 

**poogle** : I SAID DELETO

**intenseninsane** : I have absolutely no doubt at all that they're capable of accomplishing this task

**largebaguette** : selfie.image

**largebaguette** : LOOK. I AM MAN.

**dancingdoll** : laf honey

**dancingdoll** : let it go

**largebaguette** : BUT LOOK. I'M WEARING WORK BOOTS. AND REGULAR, NONE RIPPED JEANS. AND A MUSCLE SHIRT.

**intenseninsane** : and you look like Thomas

**macaroninfrance** : im sorry he looks like who

**macaroninfrance** : certainly not me, beloved. never that.

**sigh** : can we get back to the ketchup pls I am disgust

**sickofurshit** : just go buy new ketchup

**sigh** : lovely idea let me just go do that Oh Wait I Can't Because Someone Also Stole My Steering Wheel

**theoDOGEa** : THEY STOLE WHAT

**shadenlibertea** : WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT FIRST THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN KETCHUP PRECUM

**sigh** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**hotfreckleboi** : oh lol I forgot about that

**theoDOGEa** : YOU FORGOT YOU STOLE HIS STEERING WHEEL???

**hotfreckleboi** : oh no I didn't steal it

**hotfreckleboi** : Thomas did. We worked together lmao

**macaroninfrance** : GODDAMNIT JAWN

**largebaguette** : how you say,

**largebaguette** : tragiqué

**dungoofed** : first of all, you’re fucking FLUENT

**dungoofed** : second of all, YOU FRENCH FUCK

**g.wash** : Watch your tone, Alexander.

**dungoofed** : shut up you're not my real dad

**g.wash** : That's it. Go to your room! Right now!

**hotfreckleboi** : whoa what the fuck he actually went to our room

**hotfreckleboi** : how do u do that?

**g.wash** : ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**ayyelmao** : I fucking hate this chat so much


	54. The Great Prank War 3/4 (or What The Fuck Does Niche Even Mean)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, sometimes Hercules really has doubts these people are his friends.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

**ayyelmao:** good morning

**shadenlibertea:** so I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my titties

**ayyelmao:** goodnight

**sickofurshit:** wait comeback 

**ayyelmao:** ok bb 

**dungoofed:** HA

**dungoofed:** GAY 

**intenseninsane:** idk how many times i have to tell you you're in a homosexual relationship with another man 

**dungoofed:** damn exposed

**shadenlibertea:** I know its a meme but that bbq thing actually happened to me

**eLIESa:** wait what

**eLIESa:** how

**shadenlibertea:** so you know how i work at a bar

**dancingdoll:** yeah so?

**shadenlibertea:** well my boss, the sweetest little old lady that pretty much lets me run the place, she heard a customer say that our place would be amazing if we just served drunk foods

**shadenlibertea:** now we couldn't serve taco bell

**shadenlibertea:** but she had the delightful idea that we should serve chicken wings and it was really effective for awhile. until someone went too far.

**shadenlibertea:** there's was a fight, blah blah blah, one of the bouncers came and chucked this guy out of the bar but before he could do that

**shadenlibertea:** the guy FLUNG a barbeque wing at me

**shadenlibertea:** it landed on my chest ofc

**shadenlibertea:** so now I'm sitting there, barbeque sauce on my titties

**largebaguette:** god I love you maria you're such a goddamn blessing

**dungoofed:** you know, I was thinking about that ketchup prank and i realized just how fucking genius it was

**dungoofed:** cause like, how did they know he was going to need ketchup like immediately after they pulled a prank

**dungoofed:** they didn't. they just had to pray. it could've been days or even weeks before he noticed anything

**dungoofed:** I'm marrying a goddamn mastermind

**hotfreckleboi:** babe can you come home I got my foot stuck in the railing on the stairway

**eLIESa:** a mastermind, huh?

**dungoofed:** shut up you look like a goose

**intenseninsane:** I

**intenseninsane:** w-what

**daughtersnhorses:** brb I gotta go set Thomas’ house on fire

**macaroninfrance:** lmfao gotcha

**intenseninsane:** I…

**intenseninsane:** am gonna regret asking but

**intenseninsane:** why?

**poogle:** ok so

**poogle:** I just have a question

**hotfreckleboi:** which is…?

**poogle:** why are the walls of our apartment COMPLETELY COVERED with MY LITTLE PONY HENTAI

**ayyelmao:** lol ok goodnight

**sickofurshit:** I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE WHAT

**sunshinegirl:** goodness me

**fuckhamilton:** SHIELD YOUR EARS M’LADY

**poogle:** *tips fedora* m’lady

**elizaBABE:** I did not know ponies could even DO those positions but you learn something new amirite

**macaroninfrance:** you'd be surprised how easy that stuff is to get. like there's really a niche market for pony porn

**g.wash:** Welp, I've had enough socializing for this day. Goodnight, everyone.

**largebaguette:** I don't even know where to begin with this

**largebaguette:** how, Thomas?

**macaroninfrance:** i ordered it online duh

**elizaBABE:** not how did you get them, you fucking pinhead, how did you GET IN

**washingdone:** I'm sorry does EVERYONE in this group chat know how to BREAK INTO PEOPLES HOUSES

**macaroninfrance:** lol just me  & John really

**dancingdoll:** and me

**poogle:** I know how to pick locks!

**elizaBABE:** WE'RE GETTING OFF TOPIC HERE

**macaroninfrance:** it was easy. Peggy let me in to film them doing trick stunts for their channel, and they thought I left, but I didn't. I hid under your guys’ bed until you went to sleep

**poogle:** that means you heard Beth and Herc…

**daughtersnhorses** : I'M UNCOMFORTABLE

**macaroninfrance** : oh, heard the two of them making sweet, passionate love that brought Herc to tears because of how beautiful it was? lol yeah

**elizaBABE** : does anyone else feel horribly violated?

**dungoofed** : Herc you cried during sex? Yikes embarrassing

**daughtersnhorses** : shut up John once fell asleep on your lap and you cried because he had, and I quote “cute little bear cub snores”

**dungoofed** : touché

**hotfreckleboi:** aw baby  <3

**poogle:** anyways how are we gonna get these off the walls? THEY'RE LITERALLY PASTED ALL OVER THE PLACE

**daughtersnhorses** : there goes that deposit

**poogle:** Thomas why

**macaroninfrance:** it sounded hilarious at the time

**sickofurshit** : it IS hilarious lmfaoooo

**daughtersnhorses** : well, I'm off to strip and repaint my walls before the landlord finds out

**elizaBABE:** I'm off to kick Thomas’ ass

**macaroninfrance:** oh no

**macaroninfrance:** brb moving to London immediately

**hotfreckleboi:** hey guys I know this isnt important but my foot is still stuck in the railing

**hotfreckleboi:** guys

**hotfreckleboi:** hello

**hotfreckleboi:** anyone there??

**hotfreckleboi:** help


	55. The Great Prank War 4/4 (or Clancy the Bird)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> désolé je ne parle pas anglais - sorry i dont speak english  
> désolé je ne comprends pas - sorry, i dont understand  
> ça va, je parle français. où est Clancy? - that's fine, I speak french. where is Clancy?

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
****Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer **

* * *

 

**largebaguette** : ugh, my husband is totally useless

**largebaguette** : the baby was crying because he needed to potty and he decided that THEN was a good time to grill hotdogs

**hotfreckleboi** : your husband seems like kind of a dick, get rid of him

**hotfreckleboi** : ooh, kill him! do you think ghosts still exist??

**largebaguette** : idk. he's really hot so I'm gonna get one more baby out of him before i off him. on the ghost thing, we’ll find out when i put his tombstone in my backyard

**g.wash** : …

**dungoofed** : GODDAMNIT THEY'RE PLAYING THE SIMS AGAIN

**hotfreckleboi** : what did you think we were doing, publicly plotting George Washington's death?

**g.wash** : Well…

**sickofurshit** : honestly what a relief i was holding my breath

**intenseninsane** : JOHN, MY GOOD BITCH, I HAVE NEWS

**hotfreckleboi** : WELL WHAT'S THE NEWS, MY GOOD BITCH?

**intenseninsane** : WE HAVE ADOPTED A PUPPY AND NAMED HIM JOHN, MY GOOD BITCH

**macaroninfrance** : first of all, my good bitch is hilarious but what the fuck

**macaroninfrance** : second of all, we? who's we? I'm in AMERICA

**intenseninsane** : shut up you got a bird and dressed him in my clothes you do not get to complain about this

**dungoofed** : Oh dear God

**dungoofed** : THE FUCKING BIRD

**macaroninfrance** : what do you have against Clancy, Hamilton?

**dungoofed** : EVERYTHING

**dungoofed** : first of all, you're taking him EVERYWHERE

**macaroninfrance** : duh he's my best friend

**macaroninfrance** : no one complains when Laf takes Maria everywhere

**largebaguette** : okay true but,,,, she's maria. who wouldn't want her around?

**macaroninfrance** : fair point

**shadenlibertea** : brb gonna cry

**eLIESa** : i too agree with that statement

**dungoofed** : you let him eat out of your mouth you uninteresting baboon

**intenseninsane** : he WHAT

**sigh** : I mean idk Alex that's pretty interesting

**macaroninfrance** : its a fun trick to show people!

**fuckhamilton** : I thought it was hilarious

**dungoofed** : SEE? ITS JOHN ADAMS APPROVED ITS FUCKING GROSS M8

**sickofurshit** : does this mean y'all forgot about the prank war?

**largebaguette** : SHIT!

**largebaguette** : THOMAS DON'T GO HOME

**macaroninfrance** : what?

**macaroninfrance** : I just pulled in the driveway

**largebaguette** : NO DON'T GO INSIDE

**macaroninfrance** : what did you do?

**dancingdoll** : I, too, want to know

**macaroninfrance** : MARIE-JOSEPH PAUL YVES ROCH GILBERT DU MOTIER, MARQUIS DE LAFAYETTE

**largebaguette** : shitshitshit i have to leave immediately

**g.wash** : Am I going to have to bail him out of jail?

**macaroninfrance** : no

**g.wash** : Visit him in a hospital?

**macaroninfrance** : that's a toss up

**g.wash** : Fair enough

**largebaguette** : GEORGE?!?!?! WHAT?!???!?!!

**g.wash** : I told you the prank war was bad news. These consequences are yours too keep.

**dungoofed** : JESUS DUCKING CHRIST WHAT DID HE DO

**hotfreckleboi** : autocorrect strikes again

**dungoofed** : SHUT THE DUCK UP

**macaroninfrance** : WHERE IS CLANCY LAF?

**largebaguette** : listen,,,

**macaroninfrance** : LAF.

**sickofurshit** : I thought you said you took him everywhere

**macaroninfrance** : I usually do but he needed to go to the vet and Laf offered to take him

**intenseninsane** : jesus Christ Laf why did  you take the BIRD

**largebaguette** : désolé je ne parle pas anglais

**macaroninfrance** : I'M GOING TO KILL YOU WHERE IS CLANCY

**daughtersnhorses** : wow I thought I was gonna have to retaliate but nah the universe did it for me

**largebaguette** : Clancy is… how you say…

**dungoofed** : YOU'RE FLUENT YOU FRENCH FUCKER

**largebaguette** : désolé je ne comprends pas

**macaroninfrance** : ça va, je parle français. où est Clancy?

**largebaguette** : FUCK

**poogle** : mood

**poogle** : you guys looking for Clancy?

**macaroninfrance** : YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS?

**poogle** : lol yeah

**macaroninfrance** : WHERE

**poogle** : japan lmfao

**macaroninfrance** : WHAT HE'S WHERE

**poogle** : just kidding laf gave him to me. you can have him back.

**macaroninfrance** : THANK GOD

**poogle** : for a ransom

**ayyelmao** : jesus Christ

**intenseninsane** : Peggy, please

**poogle** : You have to walk around town in heels and a jock strap, drunk, and sing “Dontcha Wish Ya Girl Was Hot Like Me”

**elizaBABE** : FUCK YEAH PEGS

**eLIESa** : YIKES™

**intenseninsane** : PEGGY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN THE MAN

**largebaguette** : oops.

**g.wash** : Oh my.

**dungoofed** : God Peggy is my Consistent Fave©

**hotfreckleboi** : o no

**daughtersnhorses** : I thought we agreed on nothing that can ruin careers?

**poogle** : that's how it is on this bitch of an earth

**daughtersnhorses** : … ok

**macaroninfrance** : inhale

**macaroninfrance** : fine.

**intenseninsane** : WHAT?!


	56. i can't believe james is the voice of reason here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peggy bout to goof.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 **macaroninfrance** : *booty pops*

 **dungoofed** : well good evening everyone except for Thomas Jefferson

 **poogle** : payback feels sweet ya kno

 **intenseninsane** : I can't believe he's going through with this

 **intenseninsane** : if Thotmas The Spank Engine hurt his career, this will assassinate it

 **macaroninfrance** : ASSassinate ;)

 **intenseninsane** : he's already drunk isn't he

 **largebaguette** : no

 **g.wash:** Don't take Laf’s word, he's drunk, too.

 **g.wash:** noi m not — lf

 **hotfreckleboi:** “lf”

 **dungoofed:** did you take his phone Wash?

 **g.wash:** Last time he got drunk, he accidentally sent nudes to everyone in his contact list. Of course, I did.

 **eLIESa:** I remember that. My virginal eyes.

 **fuckhamilton:** oh, don’t remind me

 **g.wash:** _That_ reminds me. Why do _you_ have his number?

 **fuckhamilton** has left the group chat

 **g.wash:** I’ll handle that problem later.

 **sickofurshit:** I can never look Laf in the eye again you know this right. nor you. ruined forever.

 **sigh:** After tonight, we won't be able to look Thomas in the eye either

 **intenseninsane:** Peggy just give him the damn bird back please

 **poogle:** what do I get in return?

 **intenseninsane:** my undying and forever lasting gratitude?

 **poogle:** …

 **poogle:** nah

 **intenseninsane:** PEGGY PLEASE

 **poogle:** this is payback for Herc

 **daughtersnhorses:** awwww, babe

 **intenseninsane:** HERCULES CALL THEM OFF

 **daughtersnhorses:** idk…

 **eLIESa:** REALLY, HERC?? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A R E S P O N S I B L E O N E

 **daughtersnhorses:** ik ik… but… the hentai

 **eLIESa:** HERCULES. PLEASE. CALL. THEM. OFF.

 **daughtersnhorses:** i’ll think about it

 **sickofurshit:** jesus h christ in heaven i hate u

 **largebaguette:** i hv ide

 **g.wash:** Whatever he says, say NO.

 **poogle:** of course laf continue

 **g.wash:** Goddamnit pEGGY!

 **dungoofed:** wait how the fuck did he get his phone back

 **eLIESa:** this is george washington we’re talking about. laf could bat his eyelashes in a cute manner and he’d give him the world.

 **largebaguette:** um i

 **largebaguette:** quel est le mot anglais pour le sacrifice 

 **dancingdoll:** the same thing as the french one

 **largebaguette:** then yes that

 **daughtersnhorses:** wait what

 **dungoofed:** oh my god

 **dungoofed:** lafayette wants to take thomas’ place

 **poogle:** holy shit this is an unexpected but delightful outcome

 **intenseninsane:** oh thank god

 **g.wash:** No, no, no ‘thank god’! Our wedding is in less than two months, we cannot afford something like this getting out! Not to mention press, press will have a goddamn field day!

 **largebaguette:** dosnt mttr

 **largebaguette:** hmm

 **largebaguette:** adrienne dit 'Thomas est plus important qu'une réputation' 

 **dungoofed:** awww

 **hotfreckleboi:** how the fuck can he type clearly in french but not english

 **dungoofed:** shut up you’re ruining something cute

 **dancingdoll:** he says that thomas is more important than a reputation

 **g.wash:** But…

 **largebaguette:** il n'y a pas d'argument ici je le fais

 **dancingdoll:** ‘there is no argument here, i’m doing this’

 **poogle:** i mean ok

 **daughtersnhorses:** idkkk

 **eLIESa:** HERC HES YOUR BEST FRIEND

 **macaroninfrance:** laf…

 **largebaguette:** tais-toi et viens me chercher 

 **g.wash:** Jesus Christ… Margarite, please.

 **poogle:** i want my ransom

 **sigh:** lets take a moment to remember all of this is happening for a fucking BIRD

 **sigh:** A BIRD, PEOPLE. THATS WHATS ON THE LINE HERE.

 **sickofurshit:** so did no one consider what peggy was going to do should they get their ransom

 **sickofurshit:** kill the bird? They used to be a vet tech, they’d never

 **sickofurshit:** give it away? Maybe. But to who?

 **sickofurshit:** literally no one has to do this

 **dungoofed:** huh

 **intenseninsane:** wow i didnt really think of it that way

 **hotfreckleboi:** that makes… yeah, that makes a lot of sense actually

 **largebaguette:** oh.

 **macaroninfrance:** OH. OHHOHOOHOH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TABLED

 **poogle:** i need to leave immediately

 **intenseninsane:** I AM FLYING TO NEW YORK IMMEDIATELY YOU KEEP YOUR ASS RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE

 **g.wash:** I’m not sure you’ll have anything to punish once I’m finished.

 **dungoofed:** sksksk im OMW to the mulligan/schuyler/sanders residence this is going on WORLDSTAR

 **largebaguette:** thomas,,,

 **macaroninfrance:** ??

 **largebaguette:** n'est-ce pas chaud comment ils défendraient notre nom comme ça? 

 **macaroninfrance:** baise ouais

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> baise ouais (fuck yeah)  
> n'est-ce pas chaud comment ils défendraient notre nom comme ça? (isn’t it hot how’d they’d defend their name like this?)  
> tais-toi et viens me chercher (shut up and come get me)  
> adrienne dit 'Thomas est plus important qu'une réputation' (adrienne say 'thomas is more important than a reputation')  
> quel est le mot anglais pour le sacrifice (whats the english word for sacrifice)


	57. i came as soon as i heard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the only acceptable time to make the the Reynolds Pamphlet meme.

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divprce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

**largebaguette** : now that i am sober and hungover boy do i have some words with my drunk self

**hotfreckleboi** : ??

**largebaguette** : first of all LISTEN TO GEORGE YOU FUCKING DICKWEED

**largebaguette** : second of all AVOID GC DRAMA WHEN DRUNK

**hotfreckleboi** : i can’t belive our boi herc was fr gonna sell u out like that lmfaooooo

**daughtersnhorses** : i wasn’t gonna sell him out, i was gonna call peggy off… eventually

**largebaguette** : you! you don’t even think of talking to me

**daughtersnhorses** : come on! PONY HENTAI! 

**largebaguette** : THOMAS’ WHOLE CAREER U FUCKING PISTACHIO 

**poogle** : oh man hey guys

**hotfreckleboi** : god, peggy, does it hurt?

**poogle** : does what hurt?

**hotfreckleboi** : to walk with those STEEL BALLS swinging between your legs i just wanna know

**eLIESa** : jesus pegs… 

**poogle** : honestly i’ve done worse

**eLIESa** : no its tru she has

**eLIESa** : asks her why i don’t like being tickled

**dungoofed** : oh man here it comes

**sigh** : why doesn’t she like being tickled, pegs?

**poogle** : eliza used to love being tickled when we were little, so much that she BEGGED people to tickle her. so one day i gave her what she wanted. thats all.

**shadenlibertea** : no, no, no. tell the whole story.

**poogle** : oh my god i held her down in public and tickled her until she wet herself its not even that big of a deal

**washingdone** : Who raised you?

**poogle** : Angelica, technically

**washingdone** : nvm that makes sense

**eLIESa** : not that big of a deal, they say… 

**eLIESa** : BIG ENOUGH OF A DEAL TO MY ENTIRE GRADUATING CLASS, PEGGY

**poogle** : jeez, am i that bad?

**dungoofed** : here’s some perspective

**dungoofed** : i am not afraid of george washington

**dungoofed** : hercules mulligan? piece of cake. lafayette? a puppy. angelica? about as scary as a slice of pie

**dungoofed** : I am TERRIFIED of your bad side

**poogle** : hm…  _ good _ .

**intenseninsane** : well. 

**intenseninsane** : i’m back in the city and i’m here to stay. and you know what i’m here to do.

**hotfreckleboi** : all the way from London? damn.

**macaroninfrance** : angelica?

**intenseninsane** : oh my sweet,  _ naive _ , husband

**intenseninsane** : i’m not here for you.

**poogle** : oh shit.

**poogle** : OH SHIT.

**macaroninfrance** : did my wife just call me naive?

**sickofurshit** : HA

**macaroninfrance** : “shut up james you sniveling fuck” i remember charles saying to you yesterday

**sickofurshit** : oh.

**dungoofed** : damn y’all sound toxic

**hotfreckleboi** : honey, honey…

**hotfreckleboi** : all of these couples are toxic in here

**hotfreckleboi** : healthy relationships forbidden in this household

**sigh** : eliza and maria?

**hotfreckleboi** : oh tru

**poogle** : SO WHO WANTS TO COME SAVE ME FROM MY SISTERS WRATH?

**macaroninfrance** : what was it they said, laf?

**largebaguette** : oh, yes, i remember now

**macaroninfrance** : nah

**largebaguette** : nah

**sunshinegirl** : yikes

**eLIESa** : ABIGAIL HI

**sunshinegirl** : hello, eliza!

**sunshinegirl** : i see i’ve come back at a weird time

**eLIESa** : oh boy, i’ll DM you

**hotfreckleboi** : aw, i’m glad abby is back

**daughtersnhorses** : me too

**largebaguette** : Hercules George says open the door

**daughtersnhorses** : what?

**elizaBABE** : omg laf why did you let him come here?

**largebaguette** : remember when he said you guys overestimate his ability to control me? yeah you  _ really _ overestimate my ability to control him

**largebaguette** : its fine tho i sent adri with him

**daughtersnhorses** : oh thank god

**largebaguette** : to record

**daughtersnhorses** : BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES

**sickofurshit** : hey charles check your phone

**ayyelmao** : is it nudes again

**sickofurshit** : what?! no.

**ayyelmao** : then nah

**sickofurshit** : its footage of angelica yelling at peggy in middle of the airport

**ayyelmao** : OH BOI

**dungoofed** : what, how?

**sickofurshit** : we shoved them into the car to go pick her up

**ayyelmao** : ha.vid

**hotfreckleboi** : GET HER JADE

**largebaguette** : hey Thomas

**macaroninfrance** : hey Gilbert

**largebaguette** : Peggy & Herc can handle themselves right?

**macaroninfrance** : I think so. Sushi?

**largebaguette** : Sushi.

**hotfreckleboi** : OOH I WANNA COME

**dungoofed** : me too

**shadenlibertea** : ooh i love sushi

**eLIESa** : shouldn't we…?

**elizaBABE** : nah, they'll be fine. james, Charles, abby?

**sickofurshit** : sure let's go

**ayyelmao** : yay sushiiiii


	58. first burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A SUPER NSFW Chapter ahead. If you're not afraid of the sexuals, I suggest a skip?

**Alexander Hamilton** : dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 

**dungoofed** : use table etiquette to eat my ass or don't eat my ass at all

**largebaguette** : ohhh my god yes we can finally talk about this

**largebaguette** : this is fine dining I've got here you don't just CHOW DOWN like its a chinese buffet

**dungoofed** : like treat my ass like a gourmet experience yanno

**g.wash** : I can't believe I'm going to marry you, Gilbert.

**hotfreckleboi** : you and me both, gwash, you and me both

**ayyelmao** : you guys actually eat ass?

**g.wash** : It's the polite thing to do. You don't?

**ayyelmao** : … I didn't know there was actually manners to this

**hotfreckleboi** : you just go around pulling into portholes you're not familiar with? 

**sickofurshit** : yes

**ayyelmao** : JAMES

**sickofurshit** : jAmEs

**eLIESa** : what the fuck

**daughtersnhorses** : this is gay content isn't it

**macaroninfrance** : bullshit. anyone can get their ass eaten. men, women, people in between, straight, circle, square

**dungoofed** : eating ass is the universal language of love

**dancingdoll** : the disrespect on the French language is appalling

**largebaguette** : eliza, mon cher, you've never had anyone take a dip in the back door?

**eLIESa** : no? 

**shadenlibertea** : oh honey you haven't LIVED

**macaroninfrance** : there's nothing more mindblowing than being tongue fucked until your legs can't move

**eLIESa** : I've been gone down on plenty of times, its the same thing, right?

**shadenlibertea** : as someone who's received and given both, yes and no. you see, here's a breakdown,

**poogle** : *loads shotgun* NONE OF THIS TALK ON MY CHRISTIAN SERVER

**sigh** : oh thank god for Peggy

**sigh** : why are we talking about this anyways

**hotfreckleboi** : i apparently don't have table manners smdh

**dungoofed** : you thank the chef after they prepare you a hearty meal, you can't thank me after eating my ass?

**hotfreckleboi** : let me remind you of the one that received those orgasms tonight

**dungoofed** : and it was goddamn privilege to let you give them to me

**largebaguette** : you give him the NUTRITION and VITAMINS he needs and this is how he thanks you?

**macaroninfrance** : its like people have no respect anymore

**daughtersnhorses** : ok i really can't relate to this but john it sounds like you were being rude

**hotfreckleboi** :  **_shut up straight_ **

**daughtersnhorses** : after all we've done for you

**hotfreckleboi** : jfc

**dungoofed** : you can't respect the meals i prepare for you? GO TO YOUR ROOM

**dungoofed** : I SHAVED MY HOLE FOR YOU

**largebaguette** : HIS HOLE, JOHN. SHAVED IT.

**macaroninfrance** : how did we end up this way y'all

**macaroninfrance** : remember when the shocking highlight of our day was peggy breaking into george’s house

**macaroninfrance** : what went wrong

**intenseninsane** : in other news, my hub is sof and smell good i love him & I missed him

**eLIESa** : that's wholesome

**eLIESa** : OH MAN THATS WHOLESOME

**largebaguette** : life goals

**largebaguette** : george,,,, be sof 

**g.wash** : I thought you liked it when I was sexy and scary and defended your honor?

**largebaguette** : u,,  ,, right

**dancingdoll** : UGH THERES SO MUCH GAY AND ROMANCE IN THE AIR IT REEKS

**sickofurshit** : YOU TELL EM ADRI

**ayyelmao** : you're playing in my hair right now you hush

**sickofurshit** : 

**sickofurshit** : damn

**elizaBABE** : WOW 20GAYTEEN really is in FULL EFFECT

**elizaBABE** : a stan :) 

**sunshinegirl** : hm. where's john?

**hotfreckleboi** : lmao right here bro

**sunshinegirl** : no… well hi but no not you

**sunshinegirl** : my john? 

**shadenlibertea** : aw that means laurens is alex’s john thats cute

**dancingdoll** : and our cousin is marthas john

**washingdone** : sHUt yr FCK

**dancingdoll** : martha everyone knows you went to London for a booty call honestly its fine

**washingdone** : hmph.

**g.wash** : He left, Abigail. The chat, I mean. He had Gil’s number for some reason and was very dodgy about it. Gil?

**largebaguette** : anyways back to eating ass

**sunshinegirl** : what, laf, do you know something we shouldn't?

**largebaguette** : huh?

**sunshinegirl** : he's been very quiet lately and I'm worried

**largebaguette** : girl… its not my place to tell

**poogle** : oh my goD LAF IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH JOHN ADAMS

**dungoofed** : WHAT

**hotfreckleboi** : this week just keeps getting wilder and wilder man

**shadenlibertea** : im going to go put on a kettle for tea

**dancingdoll** : IMGOINGTOGOPUTONAKETTLEFORTEA OHOHOHO CRUMPETS LONG LIVE THE QUEEN

**shadenlibertea** : you lead a sad, miserable life, Adri

**largebaguette** : whoa whoa wait what makes you think

**largebaguette** : me? john adams?

**poogle** : listen you fucked lee your standards are the level of a speed bump

**largebaguette** : very true

**washingdone** : please deny this so George can stop gripping his soda can like a movie villain

**largebaguette** : is he… jealous?

**sunshinegirl** : lafayette please

**largebaguette** : hold on is he jealous tho?

**largebaguette** : just tell me

**washingdone** : no, he's angry because he doesn't give a shit about you or your relationship or your family together

**largebaguette** : that's hot

**largebaguette** : I'm not having an affair calm down

**largebaguette** : but john and I had a talk

**g.wash** : That's Not Any Better.

**largebaguette** : about abby

**largebaguette** : honey take this up with your man. but you can be secure in knowing he's not fucking me. or anyone else for that matter.

**sunshinegirl** : … okay?

**dungoofed** : well we went from eating ass to affairs in two seconds so i need a coffee break

**eLIESa** : huh… sounds too familiar, I'm guessing, alex?

**hotfreckleboi** : OOF.

**hotfreckleboi** : burn? PLEASE

**hotfreckleboi** : this was third degree heat injury

**eLIESa** : a bit of a first burn am I rite

**dungoofed** has left the chat


	59. shut up straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're so mean to little Herc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter comes from that photo Lin quoted on Twitter of Chris Jackson looking like a fucking SNACK in that tight shirt with those muscles phew
> 
> a MAN

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** sigh — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** largebaguette — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** daughtersnhorses — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** intenseinsane — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** shadesnlibertea — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

**dungoofed** has been added to the group chat

**poogle** : so did all the men in the gc just get together and plan this or…?

**g.wash** : Maybe.

**daughtersnhorses** : there were some people we had to leave out

**poogle** : yeah I see that

**poogle** : lafayette looks piiiiiiiiiiissed

**g.wash** : He'll be fine.

**g.wash** : He can handle this.

**hotfreckleboi** : alex won't look at me this is hilarious

**ayyelmao** : alex? james tried to BITE me.

**macaroninfrance** : oh yeah he does that

**macaroninfrance** : did angie say anything?

**poogle** : no, but I'm willing to wait for it

**eLIESa** : what did you guys do?

**poogle** : pull up to the driveway

**shadenlibertea** : oh… my… god…

**shadenlibertea** : why. WHY.

**hotfreckleboi** : mr washington needed help washing down all his old timey cars, we’re being helpful. figured we could give our own cars a scrub down as well.

**eLIESa** : you guys did NOT

**intenseninsane** : oh. oh they DID.

**eLIESa** : i can't believe you mr wash. like you know…

**g.wash** : Shh.

**intenseninsane** : THIS ISN'T FAIR. YOU CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD LOOKING AT YOU?

**macaroninfrance** : what are you talking about, Angelica?

**dungoofed** : all the car washes in new york city but you had to wash your own, in the driveway, wearing white t-shirts and jean shorts that we KNOW you KNOW you're printing through

**largebaguette** : I'm going inside

**g.wash** : Aw, Laffy? Can't take the heat?

**largebaguette** : I

**largebaguette** :

**largebaguette** : I'll get you for this. You know that, right?

**intenseninsane** : this is like a punishment. what did we do to deserve this?!

**macaroninfrance** : i think wash was really just trying to get back at laf for that adams thing you guys are just collateral damage

**daughtersnhorses** : Beth just texted me that she's going to kill me Peggy you sent pictures didn't you

**poogle** : duh. the sexual tension in the house keeps you on your toes.

**daughtersnhorses** : you're so problematic

**sigh** : that's two days in a row you heathens have been sexual on our Christian server

**theoDOGEa** : ok aaron

**sigh** : what?!?!

**macaroninfrance** : he knows what he does

**intenseninsane** : he really does

**sickofurshit** : he thinks he's so pure, but i can bet you top dollar that he knows

**sigh** : what are you TALKING about

**eLIESa** : you mean to tell us you walk around in those skinny jeans that you get from the women's section because they don't make your ass look fantastic?

**eLIESa** : news to me

**ayyelmao** : all 4 of your exes in one GC and they all roasted you

**ayyelmao** : oof.

**dungoofed** : could you imagine?

**sickofurshit** : shut up three of your exes/boyfriend + 2 of your fuckbuddies + your old crush is in here

**g.wash** : What?

**sickofurshit** : Aaron John & Eliza, Laf & Maria, Angelica

**dungoofed** : alas, i am a thot

**poogle** : whispers

**poogle** : Thotmas The Spank Engine

**macaroninfrance** : HOOOOOOOH MY GOD LET IT DIE

**poogle** : Hunkules Muscleman

**daughtersnhorses** : why me

**daughtersnhorses** : what did I do to DESERVE

**elizaBABE** : shut up straight

**daughtersnhorses** : GODDAMNIT I'M NOT THE ONLY STRAIGHT PERSON IN HERE WHAT ABOUT MARTHA

**largebaguette** : we’re scared of martha tho

**daughtersnhorses** : angelica? theodosia? john adams?

**intenseninsane** : they're scared of me too

**theoDOGEa** : im pan actually fyi

**sunshinegirl** : yeah but he's not here

**hotfreckleboi** : yeah so shut up straight

**daughtersnhorses** : goddamnit

**daughtersnhorses** : this is heterophobia i am disgust

**largebaguette** : you'll live, straight

**daughtersnhorses** : no


	60. george pawsington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a development in the plot? really? i wasn't aware that was something a person could do.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** burrn — District Attorney  
 **John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** laffytaffy — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** zerotohero — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:**  unsatisfied — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
 **George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** maria(h) — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
 **Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 **dungoofed** : im,,,,,,, gay

 **hotfreckleboi** : shut up bi

 **largebaguette** has changed his username to **laffytaffy**

 **laffytaffy** : peggy gave me the great idea for a new user

 **poogle** : ur welc

 **intenseninsane** : you missed an opportunity for ‘lagayette’

 **laffytaffy** : thats just for the private chat

 **daughtersnhorses** : i’ve been wanting a new un

 **laffytaffy** : idk yours seems really fitting

 **daughtersnhorses** : fuck u

 **daughtersnhorses** has changed his username to **hunkulesmuscleman**

 **hunkulesmuscleman** : PEGGY NO

 **hunklesmuscleman** has changed his username to **zerotohero**

 **zerotohero** : has anyone made a hercules joke yet?

 **theoDOGEa** : me, once

 **zerotohero** : well i guess i’ll get it out of the way

 **poogle:** anyone else doing a name change?

 **dungoofed** : well…

 **sigh** : no, your name is too fitting it stays

 **intenseninsane** has changed her username to **unsatisfied**

 **theoDOGEa** : OOH SICK BURN

 **sigh** : HEY I GOT AN IDEA

 **sigh** has changed his username to **burrn**

 **burrn** : get it. burr. Burn.

 **eLIESa** : nice

 **g.wash:** Okay, okay, is everyone done?

 **sickofurshit:** yeah, yeah

 **shadenlibertea:** wait

 **shadenlibertea** has changed her username to **maria(h)**

 **maria(h):** so people know how to pronounce my name

 **g.wash:** Great. We’re all still going to the fair today, right?

 **laffytaffy:** i forgot about that!

 **eLIESa:** so did i

**Group Chat — Werq, Werq**

**angel** : girls I need your help

 **lizard** : what's up sis?

 **angel** : I took a pregnancy test and the second line came up and that bitch won't go away

 **pegleg** : OMGONGONG

 **lagayette** : SCREEEEEEEEEE

 **abbycat** : YOURE HAVING A BABY CONGRATULATIONS

 **angel** : I don't WANT a baby

 **pegleg** : o

 **dosingdosia** : oh dear

 **martymadgascar** : angelica, are you sure?

 **angel** : yes I'm positive

 **shmadrienne** : there are like… options… yknow? like you can give it up for adoption?

 **martymadgascar** : or you can… go to a clinic?

 **angel** : idk…

 **lagayette:** what are you gonna tell thomas. you cant keep this from him.

 **angel:** idk, idk, idk

**Group Chat — #JohnAdamsIsCancelled**

**dungoofed:** oh we can totally change that now

 **dungoofed** has changed the group chat name to **lonely losers club**

 **laffytaffy:** quoi? I do not understand mon amie, adrienne is the only lonely loser here

 **dancingdoll:** i’m going to set your kitten on fire

 **laffytaffy:** scandalizedgasp.gif

 **laffytaffy:** NOT GEORGE PAWSINGTON

 **g.wash:** I thought I asked you not to say his name aloud.

 **dungoofed:** george,,,,,, pawsington……

 **hotfreckleboi:** oh pls tell me how george pawsington came to be i gotta hear this

 **g.wash:** Laf, please don’t.

 **laffytaffy:** george found him on the side of the road and bought him home for me and georges

 **laffytaffy:** he’s a gray little kitty and he’s small and he likes george so we named him george pawsington

 **unsatisfied:** oh my god george washington is the worlds biggest softie

 **g.wash:** No. You all should be very afraid of me.

 **eLIESa:** WIDDLE PAWSINGTON I CAN’T BE AFRAID OF THAT

 **g.wash:** I cannot believe this.

 **g.wash:** Are we going to the fair?

 **laffytaffy:** can we bring pawsington?

 **g.wash:** No.

 **washingdone:** Yes.

 **shadenlibertea:** i’d be disgusted if you didn’t

 **theoDOGEa:** ABSOLUTELY

 **unsatisfied:** i think imma sit this one out, if you don’t mind

 **macaroninfrance:** but you love fairs!

 **unsatisfied:** yeah but i dont feel good

 **macaroninfrance:** but Angie pleeeeeeease

 **laffytaffy:** thomas, laisse-le

 **macaroninfrance:** ugh fine

**Private Messages — Werq, Werq**

**angel:** thank you laf

 **lagayette:** no problem, darling

 **lagayette:** please don't break thomas’ heart with this. im trusting you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thomas, laisse-le (thomas, leave it)


	61. deep fried twinkies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John Laurens is a mess pass it on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i,,, have returned,,,, with mor trsh

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** burrn — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** laffytaffy — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** zerotohero — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** unsatisfied — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** maria(h) — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 **laffytaffy:** george.vid

 **laffytaffy:** bonne merde b0nne mErde c'est une bonne merde juste là droite t ✔✔ si je dis donc moi-même je dis donc c'est ce que je parle juste là (refrain: juste là) mMMMM ᎷOНO0О ଠ OOOOOО ଠଠ Ooooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ Bonne merde

 **washingdone:** oh dear

 **maria(h):** i am a homosexual and even i blushed

 **g.wash:** Goddamnit, Laf.

 **dungoofed:** im sorry george are you on FUCKING STEROIDS. you are literally benching john’s weight

 **dungoofed:** and his fat ass is heavy

 **laffytaffy:** his dick game is on steroids

 **g.wash:** Gilbert. I'm begging you.

 **hotfreckleboi:** the only thing fat on me is my dick shut up

 **dungoofed:** oh i kno (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **zerotohero:** wow so anyways guys

 **zerotohero:** guess who just got his degree in fashion design

 **ayyelmao:** AYYE CONGRATS BRO

 **unsatisfied:** congratulations, Hercules

 **laffytaffy:** that's wonderful, mon amie!

 **g.wash:** I'm happy for you, Mr. Mulligan.

 **macaroninfrance:** we've gotta celebrate

 **dungoofed:** fuck yeah we do!

 **eLIESa:** uh oh

 **eLIESa:** we're not getting drunk again

 **maria(h):** uhhhh

 **maria(h):** duh

 **g.wash:** I want to go to the fair.

 **zerotohero:** me too

 **poogle:** we can't get drunk at the fair :(

 **laffytaffy:** we can't get drunk anywhere, pegs. you're 19, I'm 20

 **dungoofed:** you had your kid when you were 16?

 **laffytaffy:** long story

 **poogle:** fake ids?

 **laffytaffy:** lost mine

 **poogle:** :(

 **poogle:** fair it is

 **sunshinegirl** : ooh, Quincy loves the fair!

 **maria(h):** so does Susan!

 **eLIESa** : i love the fair I want a deep fried twinkie

 **hotfreckleboi** : a deep fried what

 **eLIESa** : twinkie

 **hotfreckleboi** : those are just a myth eliza

 **eLIESa** : no, actually, they're not!

 **theoDOGEa** : they're not. i know how to make them

 **hotfreckleboi** : bull shit

 **hotfreckleboi** : that's like saying you've seen bigfoot

 **dungoofed** : babe I can't believe I'm asking this but… you don't believe in deep fried twinkies?

 **hotfreckleboi** : they're just a european joke about how unhealthy America is I can't actually believe you guys do believe in them

 **laffytaffy** : i am european and… no, you're very wrong john

 **hotfreckleboi** : prove it

 **theoDOGEa** : how we do prove something like this

 **hotfreckleboi** : bring me a deep fried twinkie

 **dungoofed** : omg and im the problematic one

 **zerotohero** : john i swear deep fried twinkies are real

 **hotfreckleboi** : i dont believe u

 **macaroninfrance** : john you dont wanna go down this road take it from the guy that thought there were two alex trebeks

 **eLIESa:** guess we gotta go to the fair and get you a deep fried twinkie my southern skeptic

 **poogle** : zomg

 **poogle:** im such a slut for alliteration

 **maria(h):** eliza is rlly fckn good at it, right?

 **hotfreckleboi:** lets go then

 **sickofurshit:** well I'm ready

 **ayyelmao:** can someone help me talk james out of wearing a onesie to the fair

 **laffytaffy:** WHY WOULD WE DO THAT THAT'S A LOVELY IDEA I'M PUTTING ON A ONESIE

 **macaroninfrance:** ME TOO

 **dancingdoll:** ME THREE

 **ayyelmao:** no please don't encourage him he has a fever he's making it worse

 **sickofurshit:** I'm cold

 **ayyelmao:** okay yes baby honey sugar I know but you're sick you need to dress light

 **burrn:** he needs to stay home tf

 **ayyelmao:** we already had that argument and he bit me like eight times so

 **burrn:** James what's gotten into you?

 **sickofurshit:** i wanna go to the fair

 **theoDOGEa:** but you're sick darling

 **sickofurshit:** when aren't I sick?

 **burrn:** yougotmethere.gif

 **eLIESa:** guys maybe we should all stay home so james can rest

 **dungoofed:** but I wanna prove john wrong about the twinkies

 **eLIESa:** alexander :) we’re :) not :) going :)

 **laffytaffy:** awww

 **g.wash:** Aw, man.

 **sickofurshit:** eliza you don't have to

 **eLIESa:** EVERYONE MAKE YOUR WAY TO JAMES PLACE WE'RE WEARING ONESIES AND WATCHING HALLMARK MOVIES

 **poogle:**  can we get drunk?

 **eLIESa:** u can get drunk Peggy yes

 **poogle:** WHOOOO


	62. onesie party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen, I don't care how cringe it is. I'll die for onesies.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** burrn — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** laffytaffy — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** zerotohero — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** unsatisfied — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** eLIESa — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** maria(h) — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

**unsatisfied:** this onesie party was actually a better idea than the fair and im glad I came :)

**unsatisfied:** good job Eliza

**eLIESa:** thanks mom

**unsatisfied:** don't push it

**laffytaffy:** look at georges in his lil bear onesie

**laffytaffy:** look at his lil feetsies

**laffytaffy:** my pride  & joy

**dungoofed:**  john..

**dungoofed:** i said no alex jfc

**unsatisfied:** sigh

**Group Chat — Werq, Werq**

**angel:** well there goes that plan

**dosingdosia:** not necessarily

**lagayette:** yeah you'll never know for sure until you ask Angelica

**angel:** whatever 

**Group Chat** — lonely losers club

**g.wash:** I am uncomfortable. Whose onesie does this belong to, again? 

**macaroninfrance:** moi

**g.wash:** Why is it so tight around the crotch? 

**macaroninfrance:** its a kink thing

**g.wash:** And so hot?

**macaroninfrance:** it has a built in heater system. it reflects your body heat onto you to keep you warm.

**g.wash:** I don't like it.

**ayyelmao:** hey can u two like shut the fuck up Peter Rabbit is about to do some gangster shit

**dungoofed:** he's a fucking rabbit how gangster can he be

**ayyelmao:** put some respek on my mans name

**poogle:** heys guys um 

**poogle:** fuck is it just me or is that rabbit kind a hot

**eLIESa:** its really just u 

**unsatisfied:** stop rubbing off on my sister herc u nasty

**zerotohero:** GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fuck yourself lol 

**macaroninfrance:** !!!!!!! SQUARE UP M8

**zerotohero:** ok

**macaroninfrance:** …. on second thought

**unsatisfied:** thomas u wimp its because he's buff isn't it

**macaroninfrance:** yes I'm fucking terrified

**zerotohero:** nice

**eLIESa:** anyone seen aaron and theo? i think lil theo wants her mama

**dancingdoll:** no what brought you to that conclusion, eliza?

**dancingdoll:** the screaming baby ruining the movie?

**eLIESa:** why are you so mean

**dancingdoll:** my little brother is best friends with a group of inconsiderate assholes that walk all over him so I'm pressed

**laffytaffy:** Adrienne s'il te plait tais-toi chienne

**dancingdoll:** trouver de bons amis 

**laffytaffy:** you know what

**g.wash:** Nope, no you don't.

**washingdone:** gdi

**washingdone:** why do you do that to that poor boy

**g.wash:** Do what?

**washingdone:** you know what

**dungoofed:** you literally just picked him up by his collar like he's a rat

**dancingdoll:** he is a rat

**laffytaffy:** we'll see what my dads lawyers have to say about all this defamation :(

**dancingdoll:** your biological father is dead

**laffytaffy:** >:(

**hotfreckleboi:** one day i will be as heartless as adrienne de noailles I swear on it

**eLIESa:** so where are the crying baby's parents

**burrn:** lol @ home

**eLIESa:** what?!

**theoDOGEa:** ahhhhh we're horrible parents but we tricked y'all into babysitting

**theoDOGEa:** we had to do something

**dungoofed:** (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**burrn:** you're disgusting

**burrn:** we had to finish fixing her crib, she's been sleeping in our bed

**hotfreckleboi:** y'all really are fucked up parents

**dungoofed:** we’d be better ;)

**dungoofed:** don't make me block you

**unsatisfied:** sigh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations: trouver de bons amis - find good friends  
> Adrienne s'il te plait tais-toi chienne - adrienne please shut up bitch


	63. RAWR XD SNUGGLEZ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> elIZA plS

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
 **Aaron Burr:** burrn — District Attorney  
 **J** **ohn Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
 **Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** laffytaffy — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
 **Hercules Mulligan:** zerotohero — Fashion Design Student  
 **Angelica Schuyler:** unsatisfied — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
 **Elizabeth Schuyler:** elizard — Elementary School Teacher  
 **Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
 **George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
 **Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
 **Maria Reynolds:** maria(h) — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
 **James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
 **Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
 **Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
 **Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
 **Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
 **Charles Lee:** ayyelmao — D ivorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

**g.w** **ash:** Everyone repeat after me:

**g.wash:** Screaming ‘TOP ME DADDY’ while I'm giving an important government speech is wrong, and immature.

**dungoofed:** …

**laffytaffy:** I won't insult myself like this

**dungoofed:** me either

**dungoofed:** we have more bravery than the marines we deserve a fucking award for that

**unsatisfied:** Jesus fucking Christ you two

**hotfreckleboi:** why did you scream at george washington to ‘top me daddy’

**dungoofed:** i did it bc thomas said i wouldnt

**laffytaffy:** i did it bc imma slut

**unsatisfied:** I think I miss when Alex and Thomas hated each other they got in less trouble

**macaroninfrance:** yeah thanks alex you snitch she smacked me on the back of the head

**g.wash:** What will I do with you all? Its like herding a bunch of eighth graders. 

**laffytaffy:** well then that makes u gross for fucking me so hard

**laffytaffy:** i swear I was trying to say ‘so ha’ 

**g.wash:** No, you weren't.

**laffytaffy:** yeah no I wasn't

**hotfreckleboi:** sometimes I see you two playing with your son or cuddling or just being cute and I'm like “awww they're the sofest”

**hotfreckleboi:** and then Laf reminds me of the exact ways George fucks him and its ruined

**g.wash:** And he got mad at me for saying I wouldn't date a child in the beginning. Look. Look at where we are.

**laffytaffy:** okay first of all grandpa

**g.wash:** You're lucky you're cute.

**eLIESa:** so neways

**maria(h):** “neh-ways”

**eLIESa:** N E WAYS

**eLIESa:** aaron burr is now XxbaldbabyxX

**burrn:** no I'm not

**poogle:** yOU PROMISED

**burrn:** no i didn't

**theoDOGEa:** what did you promise

**dungoofed:** this gonna be good

**poogle:** if I hit 750k sub's he'd change his twitter user to XxbaldbabyxX

**burrn:** I didn't promise

**burrn:** I have a sound of acknowledgment so Peggy would leave me alone

**macaroninfrance:** thts basically the same thing

**burrn:** shut up you receive hate mail from a mister Jomas Tefferson and you still don't know who it is

**macaroninfrance:** I WILL FIND U JOMAS TEFFERSON AND I WILL STOP YOU FROM STEALING MY IDENTITY

**unsatisfied:** dear god

**sunshinegirl** has added  **adamant** to the group chat

**sunshinegirl:** i know this is a bad time

**sunshinegirl:** but i think you guys need some good news?

**dungoofed:** whos that.

**adamant:** its me. John Adams

**eLIESa:** o u changed your gross name good job

**sunshinegirl:** that's not all he did! 

**adamant:** me and Abby have a date tonight. with someone new.

**maria(h):** oh, congratulations, honey! 

**adamant:** Lafayette talked to me, and he helped convince me

**dancingdoll:** wow great for you literally no one cares

**eLIESa:** that's not true! i care :) 

**maria(h):** i do, too! happy for you guys

**dancingdoll:** ugh

**unsatisfied:** I still can't believe the man who can't figure out Jomas Tefferson is gonna be a

**Group Chat — Werq, Werq**

**angel:** CHRIST THAT WAS ALMOST FATAL

**lagayette:** almost???? HOW ARE YOU GONNA FINISH THAT SENTENCE WITHOUT BEING SUS??

**angel:** … shit…

**angel:** I guess its time we had a talk. I need to come clean

**lizard:** I'll be a distraction sis

**Group Chat — lonely losers club**

**eLIESa** has changed her name to  **elizard**

**elizard:** :3

**maria(h):** you're so cute

**dungoofed:** ew don't do that face u weeb

**elizard:** xD RAWR

**dungoofed:** ELIZA PLS

**elizard:** i was just trying to say I love you in dinosaur      /~\

**dungoofed:** E N O U G H

**poogle:** anyways burr are u gonna be bald baby or not

**zerotohero:** babe do you have a humiliation kink

**zerotohero:** cause you sure do love to publicly humiliate people

**elizaBABE:** yeah its v concerning

**elizaBABE:** are u okay?

**poogle:** i don't do it that much

**elizard:** you tickled me until I peed in front of my whole fifth grade class

**macaroninfrance:** you tried to get me to sing “don't cha” while drunk and wearing a jockstrap

**burrn:** and now you want me to change my professional twitter username to XxbaldbabyxX

**dungoofed:** yikes this is a call out

**hotfreckleboi:** jfc peggy ARE you okay

**zerotohero:** you wanna talk, my lil sociopath?

**poogle:** …

**poogle:** ……

**poogle:** ………

**poogle:** ew go away all of u

 

**Group Chat — IMPORTANT**

 

**a.schuy** has created a group chat

**a.schuy** has added  **t.jeff** ,  **a.ham** and  **j.laur**

**a.schuy** has named the group chat  **IMPORTANT**

**a.schuy** has changed her name to  **angelica**

**angelica:** positive.IMG

**angelica:** thomas… I'm pregnant

**angelica:** and I don't want to keep the baby


	64. "Im gay Jonathan"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Motherhood breeds savages should be an iconic quote.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** burrn — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** laffytaffy — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** zerotohero — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** unsatisfied — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** elizard — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** maria(h) — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** generalee — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 **ayyelmao** has changed his username to **generalee**

 **generalee** : get it

 **generalee** : generally, general lee

 **sickofurshit:** preston garvey just made him the general of the Minutemen in Fallout 4

 **sickofurshit:** ignore him

 **hotfreckleboi:** you know all about being a minuteman, don't you lee?

 **generalee** : don't start with me turtle fucker

 **laffytaffy** : bon soir, everyone!

 **g.wash** : Evening, beautiful.

 **laffytaffy:** *blows George a kiss*

 **g.wash:** *catches it*

 **laffytaffy:** <3

 **dancingdoll:** ha gay

 **generalee:** ooh i wanna try

 **sickofurshit:** no

 **generalee:** *blows James a kiss*

 **sickofurshit:** stop that

 **generalee:** you’re supposed to catch it

 **sickofurshit:** you're gonna catch these hands

 **sunshinegirl:** anyways, why so happy today, George  & Laf?

 **laffytaffy:** we have set an official date for our wedding!

 **g.wash:** December 22nd of this year.

 **g.wash:** Best Christmas present I am ever going to receive.

 **elizard:** ew you guys are so cute and fluffy and wholesome and sweet

 **elizard:** and pure and just

 **maria(h):** annnnnd she's crying

**Group Chat — IMPORTANT**

**t.jeff:** Angelica.

 **t.jeff:** This is not funny.

 **angelica:** Do I look like I'm fucking joking?

 **a.ham:** I mean congratulations guys but…

 **a.ham:** what does this have to do with us?

 **angelica:** jfc I don't want

 **angelica:** I'm not ready for this. For motherhood.

 **t.jeff:** Angelica…

**Group Chat — lonely losers club**

**hotfreckleboi:** ha gay

 **laffytaffy:** you're in a homosexual relationship

 **laffytaffy:** AN OPEN HOMOSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

 **laffytaffy:** leave immediately

 **hotfreckleboi** : :(

 **hotfreckleboi:** this is homophobia

 **laffytaffy:** tHiS iS hOmOpHoBiA

 **laffytaffy:** I'm gay Jonathan

 **hotfreckleboi:** that's not my name

 **dungoofed:** ANYWAYS

 **dungoofed:** how about adotham

 **burrn:** like that stupid text signature you had in high school? god no

 **dungoofed:** okay okay um

 **dungoofed:** neversleeps

 **hotfreckleboi:** accurate

 **hotfreckleboi:** but not as accurate as dungoofed

**Group Chat — IMPORTANT**

**t.jeff:** HOW ARE Y'ALL ACTING NORMAL IN THE GC? I'M HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK.

 **angelica:** baby just breathe! please!

 **j.laur:** it's not like we can be like “hey Thomas and Angelica are having a kid but we're gonna raise it” we gotta play it cool

 **a.ham:** I can't believe Thomas Jefferson trusts me to raise his spawn

 **t.jeff:** call it my spawn again and I'm asking Burr

 **angelica:** thank you… all btw

 **angelica:** Thomas, thank you for understanding I'm not ready for motherhood

 **t.jeff:** I'm not ever going to force you into something you're not ready for. As much as I want to be a father, I want to be your husband more. You're my angel.

 **j.laur:** barf

 **a.ham:** actually that was

 **a.ham:** okay that was fucking cute

 **angelica:** As soon as I get back to the States, I'm gonna make it up to you.

 **angelica:** and thank you guys for doing this. I… I know it's a tough decision. A big life step. Are you sure?

 **a.ham:** Angelica, if it's so important that you know that this child goes to loving parents, then I'll do my best to BE that loving parent. For you. I wouldn't agree to raise anyone else's adorable kid but yours

 **j.laur:** Plus, I think he's just happy we get a baby before Jefferson

 **a.ham:** well duh

 **t.jeff:** technically I had a baby first but whatever

**Group Chat — lonely losers club**

**dungoofed:** consider… hurricane

 **elizard:** again, accurate

 **elizard:** still not as accurate as dungoofed

 **theoDOGEa:** I think you're stick with that user Hamilton

 **dungoofed:** messdaddy™

 **laffytaffy:** only daddy in this GC is GEORGE FUCKING WASHINGTON

 **washingdone:** dear fucking god you were less annoying when you were depressed because he wouldn't give you a second glance

 **laffytaffy:** I'm not annoying

 **washingdone:** Yes Laf u are

 **washingdone:** taking about your sex life is losing its edge. it's not hot or shocking its repetitive and disgusting

 **laffytaffy:** but he's

 **unsatisfied:** a dilf, a daddy, hung like a horse, an Adonis yes we get it George Washington is your wet dream and you're getting married to him now stop

 **unsatisfied:** this childishness is why he didn't want you in the first place

 **laffytaffy:** oh.

 **dungoofed:** yikes

 **elizard:** geez you two

 **maria(h):** Jesus fucking Christ

 **sickofurshit:** I guess they got sick of ur shit Laf

 **generalee:** yeah I got burned like that once

 **g.wash:** You two made him sad. Thanks.

 **g.wash:** I have to be to be a good fiance, now, and cheer him up.

 **poogle:** Pregnancy made you a savage, Angelica. Motherhood breeds savages.

 **sigh:** WAIT WHAT

 **generalee:** WTF? PREGNANCY??

 **sickofurshit:** come again I must not have read that right

 **g.wash:** Why the fuck is the group chat Dad the last to hear about these things?!

 **dungoofed:** oh yeah lol

 **macaroninfrance:** surprise!


	65. it's always the quiet ones

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** burrn — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** laffytaffy — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** zerotohero — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** unsatisfied — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** elizard — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** maria(h) — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** generalee — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

**zerotohero** : you ever just wake up and look at your partner and think

**zerotohero** : I'm so glad you're my person

**zerotohero** : okay now imagine that x2

**laffytaffy** : I

**laffytaffy** : that's rlly fckn cute bb :’)

**zerotohero** : thank you bb I just love those two so much I'd like…. idk..  I'd miss a new season of Project Runway for them

**laffytaffy** : :’) pure

**hotfreckleboi** : omg is it just the revset awake

**laffytaffy** : wow we're tryna be pure about hercs signifs here

**dungoofed** : yes

**dungoofed** : wait

**burrn** : Alexander why the fuck are you calling my phone at 2am

**hotfreckleboi** : the whole revset is here uwu

**zerotohero** : I know uwu is a face and I register that but my head still goes “oowoo”

**hotfreckleboi** : owo

**hotfreckleboi** : that's a face too

**zerotohero** : anime nerd

**hotfreckleboi** : pony fucker

**laffytaffy** : wait no do it like we used to do

**zerotohero** : John u anime nerd

**hotfreckleboi** : Laf u massive hoe

**laffytaffy** : Alex u absolute wreck

**dungoofed** : Aaron u useless worm

**burrn** : sigh

**burrn** : Herc u pony fucker

**g.wash** : Lafayette your phone screen light is bothering me

**dungoofed** : he's laying right next to you why not just tell him

**g.wash** : I've been woken up at 2am by my fiance's phone light. I'm not thinking straight.

**g.wash** : I mean, I'm never thinking straight. Get it. Because I'm bisexual.

**hotfreckleboi** : straight enough to make puns tho

**laffytaffy** : omg babe ur embarrassing me

**laffytaffy** : goodnight guys

**poogle** : HERC. SNUGGLE. NOW. I woke up and it's cold cause ur ass is in the bathroom texting your nerd friends

**elizaBABE** : babe they're our nerd friends too

**elizaBABE** : but they're right you're supposed to be raising warmth from the middle so get back here

**zerotohero** : guess that's my cue

**burrn** : Theo told me to go back to sleep too. Gn again kids

**hotfreckleboi** : HA I'm marrying a fellow insomniac

**dungoofed** : nice

**dancingdoll** : go the fuck to bed before I come over there

**dungoofed** : :(

_ ✓Read 02:17 _

_ ✓Sent 13:05 _

**poogle:** awwwww herc :’’’’)

**elizaBABE:** I cry our baby is so sweet

**zerotohero:** huh?

**zerotohero:** oh shit I forgot I sent that

**zerotohero:** it's still true it's just

**zerotohero:** yikes that's public

**unsatisfied:** right where your partners older sisters can see

**maria(h):** yikes.

**elizard:** yeah -.-

**elizard:** jk it was rlly cute im glad Peggy found u

**dungoofed:** technically…

**burrn:** Alex if you say you're techincally the reason the couples in the GC exist again I'm gonna snap

**burrn** : I knew Theo before you!

**laffytaffy:** I met George before you introduced us, too

**unsatisfied:** Admittedly, I met Thomas through Alex but still

**macaroninfrance:** yeah you're a cougar Angelica

**unsatisfied:** shut up

**macaroninfrance:** yes ma'am ;)

**elizard:** I met Maria through Alex :)

**elizard:** cause he cheated on me with her :)

**elizard:** and told the whole world about it :)

**elizard:** lol

**maria(h):** yikes…

**dungoofed:** wow ok I'll take it

**zerotohero:** yeah I met Peggy through Eliza through Hamilton so fair

**zerotohero:** but Peggy and I met Beth on our own

**dungoofed:** half a point

**burrn:** stop encouraging him jfc

**sickofurshit:** met Charles at a bar. nope.

**dungoofed:** 2½ of these couples exist because me Burr eat it

**hotfreckleboi:** good god you're so arrogant

**hotfreckleboi:** like babe

**hotfreckleboi:** Jesus

**dungoofed:** I'm the source of Thomas, Angelica, Peggy, Herc, Eliza and Maria's happiness treat me as such

**adamant:** I mean… My old username would be really fitting here

**hotfreckleboi:** jfc where did you come from

**g.wash:** Hell.

**adamant:** Washington! What did I ever do to  _ you _ ?

**g.wash:** Talked to Lafayette.

**sunshinegirl:** to be fair he was trying to help us

**g.wash:** Yes. But I don't like homophobes entering his space. Too much negative energy, and he's impressionable.

**adamant:** Jesus Christ you can't win for losing

**adamant:** anyways don't be so bold Hamilton

**adamant:** if they're meant to be together, fate would've introduced them one way or another

**unsatisfied:** That's… ominously sweet.

**poogle:** yeah like what if we weren't meant to be together and we're just wasting our time with each other

**adamant:** that's NOT what I meant

**dungoofed:** but it's what you said so what're you trying to say Adams??

**zerotohero:** jfc cut him a break Alex he's trying

**dungoofed:** suuuuuure

**dungoofed:** hey guys I'm gonna be a dad

**generalee:** I feel like no one is really freaking out about a pregnancy as they should

**sickofurshit:** we already went through it with Theo, and experienced new babies with Georges and Susan. we're used to it.

**generalee:** speak for yourself I'm not used to it

**burrn:** o Lord

**burrn:** who made the awful decision to let Hamilton adopt?

**unsatisfied:** I did.

**burrn:** Nvm great choice Alex is gonna do great

**theoDOGEa:** Burr is only ever scared of women. A man once threatened to shoot him and all he said was “god please do” but I glare at him for a dirty dish and he trembles like a Chihuahua

**burrn:** wow :( exposed :( by :(  the :( mother :( of :( my :( only child :(

**sickofurshit:** LMFAO BURR THICC MOOD

**sickofurshit:** “god please do” SAME AMIRITE GUYS

**maria(h):** WHEEZE I FORGOT ABOUT THICC MOODS

**hotfreckleboi:** James would you like a hug

**sickofurshit:** dear God please it's been so long

**generalee:** don't listen to him I'm hugging him right now he's a hug whore

**unsatisfied:** this is like those things where it's like “please don't listen to the cats meows it's already been fed”

**macaroninfrance:** “please do not listen to James cries for help he's already been hugged”

**sickofurshit:** fckn rood :(

**elizard:** I'll still give you hugs James

**maria(h):** well babe if you're giving out hugs

**elizard:** yes yes of course you get all of my hugs baby girl

**unsatisfied:** unsatisfied? more like uncomfortable amirite

**elizard:** what? why?

**theoDOGEa:** baby girl just sounds… Idk

**generalee:** dom-ish

**elizard:** oh lmao

**elizard:** that's because it is

**dungoofed:** WHAT

**maria(h):** Eliza is actually a huge top?? Who knew???

**dungoofed:** CERTAINLY NOT ME. BURR?

**burrn:** I never slept with her, I wouldn't know

**poogle:** it's always the ones you least expect

**sickofurshit:** the quiet ones

**elizard:** it's not a big deal. you guys didn't know because it's a private part of our life. but we experiment, yeah, and I usually top. anyways.

**unsatisfied:** I need to lie down

**laffytaffy:** oh c'mon.  _ they _ get to talk about their Dom/sub experiences?

**g.wash:** Let it go, honey. Let it go.


	66. is that a fuckin gremlin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> October 11th marks the one year anniversary of this shit show. Happy Anniversary, kids.

**Alexander Hamilton:** dungoofed — Assistant District Attorney  
**Aaron Burr:** burrn — District Attorney  
**John Laurens:** hotfreckleboi — Resident / Doctor In Training  
**Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette:** laffytaffy — Cosmetology Student/YouTube MUA  
**Hercules Mulligan:** zerotohero — Fashion Design Student  
**Angelica Schuyler:** unsatisfied — Sergeant Major in the Navy  
**Elizabeth Schuyler:** elizard — Elementary School Teacher  
**Margarite Schuyler:** poogle — Journalism Student  
**George Washington:** g.wash — Judge  
**Martha Washington:** washingdone — Middle School Teacher  
**Maria Reynolds:** maria(h) — Gender Studies/Sociology Student, Bartender  
**James Madison:** sickofurshit — Flower Shop Owner  
**Thomas Jefferson:** macaroninfrance — Political Sciences Major  
**Adrienne de Noailles:** dancingdoll — Professional Dancer / Elementary School Dance Teacher  
**Theodosia Bartow:** theoDOGEa — Psychology Student  
**Elizabeth Sanders:** elizaBABE — Forensic Science Student/Cashier At Jewelry Store  
**Charles Lee:** generalee — Divorce Lawyer/YouTube Gamer

* * *

 **dungoofed** : inhale

 **dungoofed** : SCREAMS

 **burrn** : oh!

 **hotfreckleboi** : oh no what's wrong with him now

 **dungoofed** : S C R E A M S

 **laffytaffy** : aw i love this song

 **g.wash** : Alexander, what's wrong?

 **washingdone** : a more fitting question to be what isn't wrong with that boy

 **maria(h):** alex that's a thicc ass mood

 **macaroninfrance** : i can’t fucKEN BREATHE SHFJSKDJ

 **unsatisfied** : what happened?!?!

 **dungoofed** : I introduced myself to my clients mother and she said ‘jesus christ is that fucken gremlin’

 **zerotohero** : oh my fucking god alex

 **macaroninfrance** : lol i was there because i took him to lunch and to be fair, he looked like a fucking rat

 **macaroninfrance** : his hair is so greasy and he has so many bags he’s an airport cargo hold at this point

 **unsatisfied** : ah. my husband and my sisters ex having lunch together. Pleasant.

 **elizard** : I’m just baffled that THOMAS to ALEX to LUNCH

 **elizard** : AND THEY SURVIVED IT

 **maria(h):** awww my son Alex is maturing my bb

 **g.wash** : Well, I hope you told her the truth.

 **laffytaffy** : wait what

 **g.wash** : That he is a fucking gremlin, and don’t feed him after midnight.

 **zerotohero** : GWASH COMIN W/ THE SICK BURNS

 **dancingdoll** : this is so sad

 **dancingdoll** : Alexa play despacito

 **laffytaffy** : owo despasenpai

 **dungoofed** : laf what the fuck

 **laffytaffy** : … shut up gremlin

 **dungoofed** : good god I wanna die

 **sickofurshit** : LMFAO saaaaaaame

 **sickofurshit** : put me out of my misery, yanno?

 **sickofurshit** : end this meaningless existence boi

 **g.wash** : Are… are you okay?

 **sickofurshit** : LOL NO I WANNA BE FUCKING GUILLOTINED

 **maria(h):** Jesus Christ James

 **generalee** : guillotine this PHAT BUSSY DADDY

 **elizard** : Charles what the fuck

 **theoDOGEa** : god,,,,, it burns,,,, my eyes

 **burrn** : maybe I should've kept sigh as a un

 **laffytaffy** : what the fuck is going on am I misunderstanding the English language again

 **laffytaffy** : _@g.wash_ babe what the fuck is a bussy

 **g.wash** : I don't know. Why are you asking me?

 **laffytaffy** : bc you're smart and american :(

 **hotfreckleboi** : do you have a phat bussy g wash

 **g.wash** : I don't know what that means.

 **dancingdoll** : JOHN DJDHDVAJ DID YOU JUST

 **dungoofed** : NOOOOO JOHN WHY

 **poogle** : pssst, g wash say you got a phat bussy

 **g.wash** : … No?

 **zerotohero** : GUISE LEAVE HIM ALONE

 **g.wash** : What the fuck is a bussy?

 **laffytaffy** : BOY PUSSY

 **elizaBABE** : GOOD NIGHT I'M FUCKING DECEASED

 **g.wash** : Jesus Christ…


End file.
